Page 25 of A Lord in Want of a Wife (Daring Debutantes #2)

C edric walked the London streets. He knew he was risking his life, moving through dark places where villains lurked. No one touched him. Perhaps because they recognised a fellow soul with nothing left. Or perhaps his feet knew better than him where he should go.

It was two days after the debacle in Almack’s. But it was weeks since he’d left his sisters, filled with a desperation that became madness. Looking back, he could see all the mistakes in his courtship with Grace.

They stemmed from the moment he’d ceased thinking of her as a person. She’d been a prize to win, a chit atop a mountain of gold that he’d take by hook or crook. She was the means by which he’d repair the roof on his sisters’ house and provide a decent home for the coming niece or nephew.

What a fool he was. Shame filled him, and he knew he needed to try to make recompense somehow. He needed to apologise. That wouldn’t fix what he had done, but it was a beginning. And it was the only thing he could think of to do.

He wrote formal letters to Grace, Declan and Lord Wenshire, expressing deep remorse for what he had done.

It had taken all of his strength to write out his shame, but once done, he felt cleaner somehow.

He would have written to Lucy as well, but she was an unwed girl, not even officially ‘out’ yet.

It was not proper for him to write to her.

His only option was a face-to-face apology.

It took him three more days to work up the nerve, and even then it was not a conscious choice. His feet took him to her home, as they often did. But tonight, the house wasn’t dark.

He stood there, unresolved as to what to do. It was too late for callers, and he wasn’t dressed for a visit anyway. But if she were home, then this was his best chance to speak to her. He needed to beg for her forgiveness and to feel the well-deserved pain when she refused to give it.

He had just begun to approach when she opened the door. She wasn’t surprised. Indeed, she quietly swung the door wide and stepped back, silently bidding him enter.

He meant to refuse, but once he’d seen her face, he knew he had to speak to her. He needed to make things right between them. He stepped inside, pulling off his hat and gloves. But there was no butler to take his things, and so he set them aside on the table designed for such things.

‘Where are your servants?’ he asked.

‘The butler has been dismissed.’ She shrugged. ‘We have had trouble hiring good servants.’

He nodded. It took training to learn who to hire and who was a blighter. He could help her with that, but of course, she wouldn’t want his help. ‘What about your nurse or maid? One should stand as chaperone.’

‘I sent them home for the night.’

‘You—’

‘I knew you would come, Cedric. Once I saw the apologies you wrote to my sister and father, I knew you would seek me out.’

She knew him better than anyone, it seemed. Even himself. ‘Then get your father, please. He should stand as chaperone.’

‘He and Grace are out for the night.’ She faced him squarely. ‘I knew you would come.’

‘You waited for me.’ It wasn’t a question.

And then he remembered how they would speak at night on the ship.

Before he’d hatched his ridiculous plan to pursue Grace, he and Lucy would find each other in the darkness of the ship.

They’d stare into the inky blackness of the water or up at the starlit sky and talk of so many things.

That’s how he’d learned of her first love, Ah-Lan. And he’d told her of his gambling days at school and the misery of returning home during the summers. His home had never been happy until both his parents left to reside in London.

But this wasn’t a ship in the middle of the Arabian Sea. They were in London now and proper apologies required proper behaviour.

‘I came to apologise to you,’ he said. ‘But I cannot be here without your chaperone. It would only compound my crime.’ He reached for his hat.

She stopped him by shutting the front door and putting herself between him and it. ‘I would speak with you.’

‘I can come back. When there are—’

‘Now,’ she interrupted. ‘We must speak.’

Alarm warred with surprise inside him. ‘Has something happened? Is there a problem?’ He didn’t know what he could do to help, but he certainly had more resources than her. Or at least more friends in London whom he could call upon.

‘There is no problem,’ she reassured him. ‘But I would say my piece.’

Ah. Yes. He deserved no less. He squared his shoulders and faced her, part of him dreading her words, part of him praying she destroyed him. Indeed, if she took a knife to his chest, he would allow it. He felt that guilty for his actions.

‘I am a foreigner in this land,’ she began, her tone hard. ‘I am here because a stranger took pity on me. I went with him because there is no home for me in China. Grace and I have no one but him. Do you know what happens to women who are alone in a strange country? With no money, no food?’

‘You are not alone!’ he said, the words coming out with the force of a vow. ‘I would help you. Others—’

‘Do you think I trust you now?’ she scoffed. She looked at him, then stepped away. She was pacing off her fury, moving back and forth in the narrow foyer as she spoke. ‘I have seen what it takes to survive,’ she said. ‘You think it is easy for a girl to spread her legs for coin?’

‘Of course not!’

She glared at him. ‘That is the easiest part of it. Five minutes and it is done. But the beatings, the disease, the pregnancies, bringing another reviled child into the world.’ Fury burned in her eyes. ‘Do you know the terror of that? Of starvation? Of fighting with rats for food?’

He shook his head. He could not comprehend the way she was raised, and it made him sick to think of it.

‘You risked everything when you told our secret. If he had reviled us, if he had cast us aside, where would we go? What would we do?’

He swallowed, feeling the magnitude of what he had done.

In his desperation, he had risked her life as surely as if he’d shot her with a pistol.

That it had turned out well was merely luck and a measure of Lord Wenshire’s goodness.

He could have easily tossed them aside. And then what would she and Grace have done?

At the time, he’d imagined that they’d turn to him for salvation. Even then, he wanted to stand by them. But his rash words had risked everything, and he could not be more ashamed.

He wanted to say something. He wanted to express the depth of his shame. But what words could he offer that would mitigate what he had done?

‘I am beyond sorry,’ he said miserably. ‘I—’

‘How can I forgive you after what you did?’ she asked. ‘How can I look at you without thinking of what could have happened?’

Obviously, she could not. Indeed, he doubted he could look himself in the mirror and not think the same things.

‘I do not ask for forgiveness,’ he finally said. ‘I see that is impossible. But how can I make this better for you? What can I do to make you feel safe? Your father loves you. Your sister will be a duchess. You need not fear—’

‘And yet I keep food secreted away in my bedroom. I have items in a satchel that I can sell.’ She stepped up to him. ‘I lived in fear all my life. I was finally feeling secure here and with one sentence, you ripped all that away!’

‘Lu-Jing!’ he cried, daring to touch her hand.

She whipped it away from him, but he stood there nonetheless with his hand outstretched.

‘Do not let me—or anyone—tear away your peace! You are not alone. Declan will see to it if no one else.’ He dropped to his knees before her.

He wasn’t even sure why except that he had no right to stand tall before her.

‘I was ten thousand times a fool, but you are safe.’

She looked at him, tears shimmering in her eyes. ‘I trusted you,’ she whispered. ‘I loved you.’

She could not have hit him harder if she’d stabbed him. It was even worse because he knew he deserved the wounds. ‘I will go,’ he finally whispered. ‘You need never think of me again.’

Then he stood without looking at her. He grabbed his hat, and he left. He heard the door shut behind him and knew that whatever his future held, it would not include her. It could not.

That knowledge destroyed him.

The reason was obvious. It wasn’t even a surprise to him. And yet, the truth of it echoed in his mind over and over as he walked the streets of London.

He was in love.

He loved Lucy.

Lucy might very well be his one true love.

And if he were a baker or a sailor or the lowest bootblack, nothing would stop him from pursuing her.

But he would be an earl someday, and some things were expected of his title.

Chief among those requirements was to support the estate and the people who lived upon it.

Not just his family, but the tenants, the village and of course, his blighted parents.

He could not stop thinking about what she’d said or that he could not convince her that she was safe.

She had people who cared for her now. People who loved her, including him.

And even if he could never speak of it to her, could never show her how much she was valued, the truth of it was all around her.

She was loved.

And he…

He…

He wanted to drown himself in self-pity. He was alone. No one cared for him. No one protected him.

Except that wasn’t true, was it? Just like her, he had friends. A great many of them. And the protection of his title, if nothing else.

In fact, many of them would be all too willing to help him ease the pain of a lost love. They thought he mourned Grace. He did not need to correct them.

So he sought them out. What else could he do? And they brought him in, plied him with drink and let him grieve however he willed. Since he refused to gamble, they gathered in other haunts, their own bachelor accommodations, and even Carlton House with the Prince Regent.

Yes, he got royally drunk with Prinny himself. And when he got sick of talking about lost loves and incompetent fathers, he turned the conversation to commerce. It wasn’t a polite thing to discuss money like this. But they were all drunk, and men liked to talk about making money.

So he did. He told them all what he had learned aboard The Integrity .

He said he knew he could find more markets for English goods.

He could find things other than tea to bring back from the Orient.

He could do these things, he said, if only he had a ship, investors in his cargo and a roof to cover his sisters’ heads.

By morning, he had all three. Or at least the coin to see it done.

This time, he swore as he cleaned himself up, he wouldn’t fail. His only wish was to see Lucy one last time before he left.

One month later, he got his wish, though not at all in the way he intended.