Page 21 of A Lord in Want of a Wife (Daring Debutantes #2)

L ucy hid herself away in Cedric’s berth.

She knew he would come down here eventually.

Knew too that this was the only way she could speak privately to him.

Grace would spend the night in the crow’s nest, trying to sort through her thoughts after that disaster of a proposal.

Lucy had seen her father retire for the night.

No one would know that Lucy hid herself in the pitch-black corner of Cedric’s bed until he came in.

She waited in silence, feeling and hearing his foul mood. No man liked being refused. And the way he stormed into his room made her fear he’d wake her father.

His emotions blew through him quickly, his only violence done to himself when he banged his elbow against a crate. He cursed then, quickly and efficiently. But in time, he pulled himself together and maneuvered into his berth.

She had placed herself very specifically there, and it was no surprise to her when he dropped backwards into her lap.

He, however, was shocked into sputtering. ‘Wh-ahh!’

‘Shhhh. You’ll wake my father.’

‘Lucy! You should not be here!’

‘And where else should I be when you have worked so hard to avoid me? I have been waiting for a private word with you, but—’

‘Damn it, Lucy, there is no point. This only tortures us both.’

There was a wealth of meaning in his words, but what Lucy focused on was that he felt as tortured as she. Which meant he had feelings for her. How deep those feelings were, she didn’t know. But that was why she was here.

‘I wouldn’t have to resort to these things if you weren’t such an idiot.’

He tried to sit up, but she held him down with both hands on his shoulders. This was a very small space, and she liked him exactly where he was. And he was too much of a gentleman to fight her. One of them would certainly get hurt.

‘I’m not an idiot,’ he huffed. ‘I’m trying to do what’s right. I can’t marry you. My family—’

‘Needs the money. Yes, I know. You’ve told me.’

‘So why—’

‘Hush,’ she said as she pressed her fingers to his mouth. ‘Listen to me.’

He quieted because he had no choice. And she took a moment to relish the feel of his lips against her fingers and the weight of his head in her lap.

It was a casual position despite the tension between them.

And neither of them could distract themselves with each other’s bodies.

She would need to fold herself in half to effectively kiss him.

And he would have to drag her down his body and twist her around somehow for anything that they both would enjoy.

That too was by design, though part of her regretted it. Especially since they had the time for an intimate encounter, and she missed his hands on her body.

She refocused her attention on what she wanted to say. Unfortunately, some of her irritation came out instead. ‘I have had to sit for weeks, watching in misery while you courted my sister for her dowry. And now—finally—she has refused you—’

‘It wasn’t a refusal,’ he groused. ‘She said she needed more time.’

Lucy winced, though she’d known that would be her sister’s response.

She had spoken with Grace about it nearly every day and night since the man had begun courting her.

She knew her sister felt no strong passion for Cedric.

At least nothing like what Lucy felt, but that mattered little to either woman.

They had both been raised to expect little from life. They had been taught that passion was a danger that always ended in tragedy. And that the best any girl could hope for was a man who treated them kindly.

Cedric was a kind man. Even more than that, he was honourable. If he were less honourable, Lucy would not be a virgin right now. Which meant he was a good husband candidate for them both.

The two women had dissected every one of Grace’s encounters with him, from the way he climbed the sails to his grumbles when he didn’t remember which kind of knot went where. They discussed his finances and their own. And they examined every minute detail of his character that they could discern.

Fortunately, Grace had spent hours every day with him, so there was plenty to discuss. Which allowed Lucy to keep silent about what she had done with him. Her experiences were too intimate, too intense for her to confess.

And so Grace was ignorant of Lucy’s feelings, which was exactly how Lucy wanted it. If Grace chose him, then she would not stand in her sister’s way. She loved Grace that much.

But her sister was undecided, and now they were out of time. The ship would make port in an hour, and Lucy wanted one last private discussion with him. So she needed to be brave and say exactly what was on her mind.

Still, it was hard, so damned hard to bare her heart.

‘What I feel for you is powerful,’ she whispered. ‘It does not fade and…’ She decided to use his word. ‘It tortures me. Don’t you feel that too?’

He sighed and the sound filled their tiny space with despair. ‘It doesn’t matter what I feel, Lucy. It cannot be.’

‘But—’

‘You are young in this.’ He tried to sit up again, but she still held him down.

And she kept holding him while he spoke words that hurt.

The only reason she listened was because they were also true.

‘You have never been free like you are now. You will go to London as the daughter of a wealthy, titled man. You will meet dozens of men. You might even fall in love with one of them.’

‘I am in love with you.’

She felt his body react to her words. Shock. Pain. Not revulsion, as far as she could tell. But he didn’t welcome it, and that was agony enough.

‘You don’t know what that is, Lucy,’ he finally said. His voice was tight, his body even more so. ‘You will have opportunities you’ve never had before. You cannot know what they are or how you will feel in a month or a year. Especially after you’ve had a Season.’

‘I do not care about that. I know what I feel now. Don’t you feel it, too?’ A plaintive note had entered her voice, a desperate hope that he wanted her as much as she wanted him.

‘I care. And I know.’ His breath seemed ragged, but he kept speaking anyway, his words harsh with self-condemnation. ‘I know that I have hurt you. I did not mean to, and I am so deeply sorry for that. I thought…’ He exhaled. ‘I was wrong. And this…this conversation does us no good.’

She swallowed, hurt making her voice brittle. ‘I don’t want you to be sorry. I want you to fix it.’

He snorted. ‘Fix it? My God, what do you think I’ve been doing all my life? I’m trying to fix my family’s problems! I’m trying to—’

‘Listen!’ she hissed as she squeezed his shoulders. ‘Didn’t you hear what Grace said? She needs more time.’

‘Yes—’

‘And so do you. You have been gone a long time. What if your sisters have found their own solution? What if things aren’t as bad as you thought?’

‘I don’t know how that would be possible.’

Men! Sometimes they could be so stupid.

‘Are they smart women?’

‘Of course they are.’

‘Then they know better than to wait for someone else to save them. They will have found a solution of their own.’

He was silent a long moment, clearly thinking. But in the end, he shook his head. ‘I don’t see how that is possible.’

‘Did you see me sitting in your bed here?’

He jolted. ‘Of course not!’

‘Then perhaps you do not see everything you should.’

He snorted, amused despite the seriousness of the conversation.

‘We will dock soon,’ she said.

‘I know.’

‘Grace needs more time.’

‘I know,’ he said, irritation in the words.

‘Use the time to go home. Go see your clever sisters and discover how they have solved their problem.’

He blew out a slow breath. ‘I suppose it’s possible.’ Hope had entered his tone, and she smiled to hear it.

‘Then afterwards,’ she said as she stroked her fingers across his lips. ‘Come find me and see what clever solution I have found.’

He caught her wrist and held it still as he pressed kisses to her fingers. They were slow, gentle presses of his mouth. And then his tongue stroked lazy circles around her flesh. Her body tightened in response. Her head swam as her heart accelerated.

Suddenly she was cursing this position they were in. How could she maneuver herself beside him? Underneath him?

But then he stopped. He pushed her hand away and spoke, his words a whisper in their dark alcove.

‘Why do you love me?’ he asked. ‘Why do you think I am the only one for you?’

She thought of all the things she knew about him.

His kindness to the street boy in India.

The way he saw her skills and was willing to learn from her.

She knew, too, that he was diligent in his work and a friend to every sailor on board.

She had paid attention to everything he’d done since they’d met.

She heard when he had broken up fights between sailors or done extra work when someone was ill.

She saw, too, that even though he had no official status on board, all the sailors deferred to him, even Captain Banakos when it was not critical to the ship.

No one obeyed his orders because he gave none.

But they took time to teach him, they praised him when he learned and they trusted him with their friendship.

That was no small thing among men. And it was the mark of a good man.

She thought of all those things, but none of them were the full answer.

‘Lucy?’

‘I love you,’ she said, ‘because you see me. And you love me, too.’

It was a risk to say that. A risk and a fervent prayer. Her words might as well have been, Please, say you love me, too .

‘No,’ he said, the word sharp. Then he caught her arm and levered himself up, twisting so he could face her awkwardly. ‘I will not say that, Lucy. I cannot!’

‘But—’

‘What kind of man would I be?’ he rasped.

‘What kind of man would say he loves a woman he cannot marry? That man would be the worst kind of cad. He would attach a woman when there is no hope. He would catch her when he could do nothing with her.’ He scooted away from her until he put his feet on the floor.

‘I am not so cruel nor so lost as to do that.’

She swallowed, hearing the anger in his tone. Seeing that he meant to leave right away.

‘Don’t go,’ she pleaded. ‘There is time still. We haven’t yet reached port.’

‘We have already done too much,’ he said. ‘You need to see London and meet more gentlemen. And I…’ He put his satchel on his shoulder. ‘I need to see my sisters.’

Then he was gone.