Page 74 of A Cock and Bull Story

Think, brain, think—where’s my passport?

“I remember!” I yell triumphantly. “It’s inside my box of butt plugs, under the user manual!”

Jude coughs.

“Butt plugs come with a user’s manual?” he queries.

“Of course! You shove that sucker in wrong, and you could be walking sideways for a week—not to mention if you shove it up too far into the rectal abyss. I’ve heard true horror stories of people needing to surgically remove things that got stuck up there.”

“Right,” Jude says solemnly. “And this butt plug box is where?”

“In the hall closet underneath my container of flavored lubes. Oh, tell Sian and Elise to grab the small white bottle. It’s piña colada flavored. I need a drink after the shit I’ve seen.”

“Is it. . . alcoholic?” Arthur asks, scratching his dark red beard.

“Not sure—there might be booze in it.”

“And you’re just going todrink it?” Jude prompts.

“Well, I would prefer to slurp it off of someone’s cock, but no one offered.”

The four men—including Jack—turn to stare at me.

“Just have them pick it up,” I sigh.

Airports allow me two ounces or less of carry-on liquid, and I’m going to capitalize on this golden opportunity.

Arthur texts the girls and waits until his phone dings with a response.

“Fuck,” he curses.

I startle—I've never heard Arthur use that word before.

It's super hot with his Scottish accent.

“What's wrong now,” I sigh.

“Elise says that your entire flat is taped off and there are bizzies everywhere,” Arthur announces.

“Fuck is right,” Jack agrees, running a hand through his grayish brown hair.

“Dean Hardwick must have sent somebody—that man really has it out for me, and all because Iwouldn'tsleep with his men!”

Thefuckingirony, right?

“Can’t Sian or Elise fly in?” I suggest.

“Sian’s titmouse is smaller and flies better—maybe she could get the passport, but it would be difficult for her to get in and out,” Arthur mumbles. “Jude would be better suited since he’s the smallest and can crawl through cracks and holes.”

“Then, we’ll send Jude in once we get to campus,” I decree.

“That still isn’t the solution. Even if Jude enters your flat because he's an inconspicuous insect, he would still have to shift back into a human to take your passport—a naked human. Don’t you think that would set off some proverbial alarms?” Arthur jokes.

“Honestly, any other day, I really don't think anyone would blink,” I laugh.

The four men exchange a look.

“I kind of forgot that that was normal for you,” Jack jokes. “Notthat I'm judging!” he quickly adds.