Page 55 of A Cock and Bull Story

“It’s Wonker,” the crochety secretary from the counselor’s office corrects.

“My B,” I non-apologize. “Can I see Mr. Fields?”

Mrs. Wonker purses her lips in a thin line and glares at me—she’s not a particular fan of mine. I might have seduced way too many people in her office and never tried to seduce her.

She’s bitter, not better.

“Can I please speak with my counselor?”

“Mr. Fields is out of the office.”

“Well, it's an emergency,” I insist, smoothing my gorgeous rainbow pastel maxi skirt.

I’ve paired it with a white tank and some cute sandals. I look bangin’—peeps better watch out.

“Unfortunately, Ms. Harper, they're gone until term starts.”

“I'm not going to be here for term,” I mumble.

Mrs. Wonker perks up.

“Why not?” she demands, hungry for gossip.

“It's personal,” I snap in a hoity-toity tone.

“You're up the duff, aren't you?!” the secretary cackles with glee.

I look around confused.

“What duff?”

“It means you're pregnant,” she explains with an eye roll.

I instinctively place a hand on my flat stomach.

“I doubt it—I swallow all my kids.”

Mrs. Wonker blanches.

“How incredibly crass, Ms. Harper.”

“Whelp, being crass is what gets me ass,” I sing. “So, back to my emergency—is there a counselor I can speak to? I really need to get back home.”

She looks me over again.

“You do terrible things,” the old witch judges, “but let me go see what I can do.”

She fluffs her hair and walks off into the back, only to return fairly quickly—so quickly, I doubt she actually did much but mentally flip me off.

“I'm sorry, but no one can help you,” she tells me with sickly sweet insincerity.

“Listen, Mrs.Wanker, I'm getting on a plane to go back home today, so I really would like to do this in person because I have my concerns about the person who handles the calls.”

It's a direct insult sinceshe'sthe one who handles the calls.

“Well, it looks like there’s nothing I can do,” she says tightly. “I guess you better just leave.”

Suddenly, the door chimes and in steps Dean Hardwick.