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“Why are you here?”
He regards me silently for a few minutes. Morgan knows me better than anyone. He also knows why I let her leave. “It had to happen.”
“Had to happen?” He snorts. “The fuck it did. That’s like saying me fucking Lillian had to happen.”
I stare at him, wondering where he’s going with this.
He’s quiet for a second before his thoughts contort his expression. He relaxes and unfolds his arms, his palms flat on the counter as he leans in. “I told myself not to touch Lil. I did. But then I realized I was never meant to be with Carly. She knew it too. Now she’s pregnant with some other dude’s baby, and I’m left with the realization that what I wanted had been right in front of me the entire time. So I’m taking my chance with Lil because I can’t stand to be away from her anymore. I ain’t been through the shit you’ve been through, and I know y’alls shit cut ya pretty deep. But Kacy—” He pauses, shaking his head. There’s determination in his voice, like he’s trying to convince me to take him seriously. “That girl was meant to be. You never looked at Tara that way.”
He’s right. I didn’t. I close my eyes, wishing he’d leave so I won’t have to face reality any longer. I want to curl up next to a bottle of whiskey, and that pisses me off even more because it reminds me of Kacy.
He hits my elbow, and I look up at him. “I know you think you can’t keep love, but I’m going to let you in on some older-brother wisdom. You can. The only person keeping you from trusting the love you feel for Kacy isyou. The way I see it, if you don’t let yourself see what’s standing right in front of you out of fear of history repeating itself, it’s the same as Tara winning. She left, never looked back, and moved on. You’re still in the same place as you were three years ago, spinning your wheels, afraid to put it in drive.”
I draw in a breath, knowing he’s right. I was afraid to show Kacy my scars. It doesn’t change the fact that I can’t ask her to stay. I won’t do that to her.
Somewhere there’s a place for me.
KACY
Two days of driving and I’m still in Texas, but I have no idea what city I’m in. I got on the highway and started driving. Maybe I’ll hit water soon and find peace. I have no idea. What I do know is that Rapunzel fell in love finding herself, so why can’t I?
I’m crying so hard I keep jerking the wheel, and at some point, I’m going to be pulled over if I keep this up or crash into the side of a building. The thought makes me cry even harder.
That’s when Lillian calls me. I take that call so fast you probably would have thought I called her. “I’m an idiot!” I scream into my car, hoping it’s actually her calling and not someone else. “What was I thinking? Find myself. Ha. Who needs to find themselves besides gypsies? I’m not a gypsy. I don’t even like driving!”
Lillian is quiet, and for a moment, I think maybe she butt-dialed me, and I just said all that shit to her ass. But then I hear the sigh and the light laughter. “Turn around and come back. He’s miserable.”
I brush tears from my cheeks. “What? Did he say anything?”
“He didn’t have to. He was quiet at work all day and then left early. That’s how I know something’s up with him.”
Barron left work early? That’s not like him.
“Are you going to come back? You didn’t even tell me goodbye.”
“I know.” I sob. “I’m sorry.” I look up at a passing road sign that says twenty-five miles to Austin. “Shit.”
“What?”
“I thought I was going east. I’m twenty-five miles from Austin.”
She laughs. “Turn around. Come back.”
I take the nearest exit and sit in silence at a closed gas station, still on the phone with Lillian.
I stare at my hands and miss the way they felt gripping Barron’s flannel and his kisses that tasted like Coors Light. I miss the way his presence lingers long after he’s left the room.
In hindsight, I knew what I did was wrong, deceitful even, but I didn’t regret meeting him. I wouldn’t, ever. But what did all this mean for me? Besides being homeless, jobless, and, loveless.
I spent years praying for freedom only to be given it and destroy it just as easily.
There had to be a place for me in this world where I felt like me. A place where your past didn’t follow you and your shitty decisions didn’t matter. Where you could find the gentleness of a man and have him love you for you. A home where firelight dances on your skin and everything else didn’t matter.
“Come home,” Lillian whispers into the line. “You belong here.”
She’s right. It’s then I realize my place was right there on that ranch.
I pull my journal out of my bag and flip to a new page.