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“Why are you going back?”he whined.

Charlie explained the plan that her sisters and she came up with to try to figure out her mom’s motives for ending her own life.

“Isn’t it obvious?Carla was depressed,” Rick said.

“But she wasn’t.”Charlie turned away; she’d cried enough to him on the phone over the past week.

Rick shook his head.“Does it matter at this point?She’s gone.Wouldn’t it be better for you and your sisters to accept it so you can grieve and move on?”

Despite her best efforts, Charlie began sobbing.“I can’t grieve until I know why she did it.”She wasn’t surprised that Rick didn’t understand.He wasn’t close to his parents; he only talked to them on birthdays and holidays.

Rick took her in his arms again.“Let it out.It’s okay, I’m here for you.”Charlie continued to cry into his chest, knowing she was probably staining his shirt with her mascara.

“So, you’ll stay home?”he asked.

Charlie pulled away and looked at him.“Seriously?”

“What?”he said.“Most women would love it if their boyfriend missed them that much.”

His attempt to make his clinginess a positive made her want to smack him.“I’ll only be gone for a week,” she said.He doesn’t need to know that I’m going to be away for however long it takes.

Realizing it was non-negotiable, Rick relented.“Okay, I can live without you for a week.”He kissed her forehead.“I hope you and your sisters find the answers you’re looking for.”He kissed her one more time and then headed to the kitchen.Charlie followed him.

“Thank you for restocking my fridge last night,” he said, taking out her milk and pouring himself a glass.“For the future, I’ve decided no more two percent milk, it’s either skim or nothing.I need to get rid of this jiggly belly.”He patted his six-pack abs beneath his shirt.

That evening, Rick took her out for dinner.As they talked about their day at work and a movie they both wanted to see, Charlie looked at him over the fake rose in the middle of the white tablecloth.She told herself that having him to talk to was better than being alone.She reached across the table and took his hand in hers.

“I love you a lot,” he said, then lightly kissed her hand.

“I love you, too,” she said, and right then, she needed to believe it.

After dinner they went back to Charlie’s condo.Rick turned on CNN and played Angry Birds on his phone.Charlie headed to her bedroom.

She pulled out her largest suitcase and scanned her closet for what items she wanted to pack.She had a few more days to figure it out, but she’d rather pack than sit with Rick and listen to a bunch of correspondents contemplating why the world was falling apart when hers had already imploded.

Charlie took out several tops and pants in various colors.Even if she was in mourning, she didn’t want to wear black every day she was there.She wished she was one of those women who bought every item in one or two colors so all the pieces would work together and she could stop overpacking.

I wonder if we should be sitting shiva, even though we aren’t religious,she thought.Carla hadn’t been a pious Jew, but she was a cultural one.She raised the girls according to Jewish traditions, lighting candles on Hanukkah and having a Passover seder in the spring.Charlie would also fast on Yom Kippur, although she would’ve had to admit that she mostly did it to jump-start a diet.

After packing enough and closing her suitcase, she suddenly remembered her favorite pink flowered dress.Don’t forget about me, she imagined it saying.Charlie took the dress off its hanger;I’ll need it if we go somewhere nice.She reopened her suitcase and neatly placed it inside.

But is it appropriate to go out when we’re grieving?She pulled the dress out of the suitcase and held it in her arms.Her eyes darted around the room as if someone would give her a hard time for even considering going out.However, the only person who had ever made Charlie feel bad about anything besides Charlie herself was Morgan.

Charlie remembered the time when they were kids, and she and Morgan made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.Not only did Morgan yell at Charlie for not spreading the preserves correctly, but she also blamed her for not paying attention to Abby, who had grabbed the olive oil out of the cabinet and spilled it all over the floor.Morgan made Charlie clean up the mess.

Another time, Morgan took Charlie to a parking lot so she could practice driving.When Charlie was working on parking, Morgan suddenly started screaming and flailing at a bee that had flown into the car.Charlie, startled, crashed into a post.Morgan told Charlie that she would never be a good driver, and for years, Charlie believed her.

Charlie looked at the flowered dress in her hand, then let it slip and fall gently into the suitcase.It wants to come with me and doesn’t care what Morgan would say.

CHAPTER 11

Abby

When Abby left Carla’s house, she had to make the two-hour drive to her home near San Diego, which took almost three and a half hours.When she walked through the front door, she didn’t hear the usual hurricane of rambunctious activity that usually greeted her.It’s quiet--too quiet, she thought, her maternal antennae quickly going up.

She tiptoed to the kids’ playroom and peeked in.Her daughters, Addison and Emma, were sitting on two tiny chairs.Hudson and Levi were standing behind them, each holding scissors to one of their siblings’ hair.

As Hudson and Levi counted down, “Four…three… two…” Abby raced in and, in one smooth motion, simultaneously grabbed the scissors out of both boys’ hands before they reached “one.”