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Here for a moment, loved for all of eternity.

Raine sits down in front of her sister, and Jesse and Leo crouch down on either side of her. My heart aches and mourns for what they lost, and it simultaneously beats with pride for how much they have overcome.

But as usual, I’m on the outskirts—by choice and by default—and I can’t stop the tears from falling down my face if I tried. Selfishly thinking I’m nowhere and nothing. I don’t exist in their circle, and Lola isn’t a daughter or a sister to me.

I cover my mouth to hide the sob that threatens to slip from between my lips as an avalanche of shame and heartache washes over me. Not wanting to interrupt their moment, I take a few steps back and unexpectedly collide with somebody. I’m about to open my mouth, when familiar arms wrap around me, stopping me.

“I’m so sorry I’m late.”

Clementine’s voice in my ear obliterates any control I thought I had on my emotions, and I completely fall apart. It isn’t silent or stealthy or even a little bit subtle. I turn in her welcoming arms and let her hold me and shield me from the rest of the world.

I’d been holding it all in for too long, and now she’s here, and I can let it all out. I’m not alone. Not anymore.

“What are you doing here?” I ask through sobs.

I notice she glances behind me, and for the first time ever, I don’t care who witnesses my breakdown. I’m knee deep in my own grief and there’s no turning back. I notice Clementine doesn’t answer my question, just runs her hand up and down my back, soothing me instead.

My cries quiet and the fog eventually clears, awareness prickling my skin. The one thing I didn’t want to do, I’ve done.

I made it about me.

I glance up and meet Clementine’s eyes. They’re full of sadness and pain and hurt; a hurt that I can see isn’tforme butbecauseof me. Nervously, I turn and find Jesse, Leo, and Raine staring at me.

Shit. Raine.

“Raine,” I start, but Clementine’s hand on the small of my back stops me.

“I told her,” she says quietly. “I wouldn’t spring this on her like that. I wouldn’t do that to you.”

I don’t know if she’s having a dig at me, but I feel guilty either way. My eyes take in the three sets staring back at me, all soft and full of empathy, the judgment and resentment I expected at ruining Lola’s day nowhere to be found.

With my index fingers, I wipe at the excess tears underneath my eyes and straighten my stance. “I’m so sor?—”

Leo raises his hand and steps forward. “No,we’resorry.”

Jesse places his hand on Leo’s shoulder, as if to show his solidarity. “He’s right,” he echoes. “We didn’t know you were still struggling.”

Surprising me, Clementine steps forward. “Is it okay if Zara and I hang back here and meet you at the restaurant in a bit?”

“How about the three of us go and pick up some food so we can eat at home instead?” Leo suggests. “That way you can come back home whenever you’re ready.”

Struggling to find my voice, I let Clementine make the decisions for us. I watch as she and Raine have a quiet exchange, before Raine picks up a bag I’m assuming is Clementine’s, and plants a kiss on my cheek. “I love you, Mom.”

The air turns cold as they leave, Clementine and I, shoulder to shoulder, both staring at Lola’s headstone.

It’s her voice that breaks the silence first. “Why didn’t you tell me why you were coming to Seattle?”

Grateful we’re not looking at one another, I give her the answer I gave myself. “You had already committed to?—”

“Try again,” she interjects. “Why didn’t you tell me why you were coming to Seattle?”

31

CLEM

The anger brewing in my veins surprises me, and I try to rein it in, because despite how hurt I am, I also hate how broken Zara looks right now. We’re standing side by side but the distance between us feels endless, like we’re no longer the same couple we’d been only forty-eight hours before.

The silence stretches and my mind goes haywire trying to find ways and things to say to fill it.