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26

CLEM

My phone vibrates against my mattress, and I don’t need to check the screen to know it’s Zara. We’re very much in a predictable routine of calling each other before bed and Zara hanging up every time I fall asleep mid-conversation.

“Hey,” I answer.

“Hey, sweetheart.” Despite the endearment, Zara’s voice is uncharacteristically flat. “How are you?”

“Fine,” I answer cautiously. “How are you?”

“I’m okay,” she says a little too quickly. “How was your day?”

When I don’t answer, the silence shifts, now awkward and uncomfortable. I know I can fill the quiet, but I don’t do well with miscommunication, and I don’t enjoy that her decision to not share things with me makes me feel like I’ve done something wrong, even though IknowI haven’t.

Eventually, she lets out a long exhale. “I’m sorry. I’ve just got a lot on my mind.”

The tension in my shoulders eases only slightly at her words. “Anything I can do to help?” I ask.

“No.” She sighs. “But I can’t do that weekend with you at Nina’s place.”

“Oh.” Disappointment settles in my chest, but I quickly cover it up, my voice a little too high pitched now. “That’s okay, things come up.”

Instinct tells me she wouldn’t bail on me unless it’s something important, and more specifically something to do with Raine, and if that’s the case, I’m willing to let it go. I’m not in competition with Raine, and until I find my big girl panties and tell her about my relationship with Zara, this will be how the cookie crumbles for the foreseeable future.

“I have to go to Seattle with Raine,” she states. “I got my dates confused and thought it would be the weekend after.”

She sounds so defeated, I can’t be sure if she’s upset about missing out on a weekend with me or about going to Seattle. She doesn’t talk much about Lola, but I know she came here, to L.A., for a fresh start after what happened, and my intuition tells me she isn’t too pleased to be going back. The only problem is, I don’t know why. She keeps her cards close to her chest, and I respect that, but I also want to know everything about her and be there for her if I can. I guess I just can’t do that if she doesn’t want me to.

“I wish you were going with me.” As if she could hear my doubts, her revelation has them all disappearing. It wasn’t an invitation, because we both know I’ve already agreed to help Nina out, and Raine still doesn’t know about us, but it’s enough to make me feel wanted and needed by her.

And Iwantto be wanted and needed by her.

“Maybe it’s time we talk to Raine,” I suggest. “That way, next time, maybe I can go with you.”

“I think we should wait,” Zara says, completely blindsiding me.

“What?” I practically spit out. This whole conversation is giving me whiplash. “Am I missing something here?”

“Fuck,” she breathes out. “No, it’s nothing like that. She’s just going through a lot right now, and I think we should wait.”

It wasn’t truly awkward having Raine as a friend and dating her mother until this very moment, because I know things about Raine, and I know things about Zara, but they both know one another better than I would ever know either of them.

It makes sense.

It’s normal.

And yet, I feel like I’m on the outskirts of it all, and I don’t like that feeling at all.

“I guess I can wait,” I eventually manage to say. “Maybe you can tell me when you think it’ll be a good time.”

“Of course it’ll be good to tell her,” she agrees. “Just not yet.”

Zara is undoubtedly distracted from the conversation, and the unease I felt when I first heard her voice returns tenfold.

“Are you sure you’re okay? Is Raine okay?” I ask again, my mind toggling between concern and annoyance. “You know you can tell me whatever it is that’s bothering you.”

“I know.”