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A sob pierced out of my throat. I closed my eyes and let the tears wash along with the soap. I slid down on the floor, hiding my face and wondered if I was ever enough for him that he had to hide that he was a father. And he wanted to take Ben away from Stacy, his mother. My head felt heavy with all the overthinking and my heart crumpled. I didn’t want to do anything. I wanted the water to wash away the sadness.

A knock on the door snapped me out of the whirlpool of my thoughts. I turned off the shower and stood up. I walked out of the shower stall which was steamed with fog and covered myself in a thick, towel robe.

Opening the door, I saw Ethan. His eyes drilled into my face, and I didn’t avert my red eyes because he would know if I had cried or not anyway. He always knows.

He clenched his jaw, trying to hide his anger, and swallowed the lump in his throat. “When you get ready, come and join us. I made Italian hot chocolate for you.”

I gave him a small smile and watched him walk out of the door, closing it shut. I sighed and looked at my almost empty room. All the boxes were still there, as I had been way too busy to move them to Jake’s house, and I was thankful for that. At least I wouldn’t have to face him again.

But where am I going to go?

Changing into sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt, I combed my wet hair and wondered about all the apartments I had looked through when I came back to San Diego. Maybe some of them are still empty? I shook my head. That was a fool’s wish. Looking at my tired reflection, I decided. I would only mope around for two days at the most. Then I would start looking for apartments because I didn’t want Anya Wu to let me stay here as long as I wanted, because I knew she would do that. No, I would find a way, I wouldn’t let this breakup affect me.

* * *

I was lying. It affected me too much.

After stuffing my face with pizza with Anya, Andrew and Ethan, we all had Italian hot chocolate for dessert and watched a mafia action movie with me sobbing and whining at the heroine who fell for the mob boss just because he saved her life from a bullet. Ethan had to calm me down while Andrew Wu asked his mom what was wrong with me.

I started crying all over again. But this time it was ugly sobbing, and my body shook and trembled so hard that I puked out my dinner in the toilet.

Ethan held my hair, stroking my back. “It’s okay, Bella. Get it out. It’s alright.”

My friend checked up on me when I brushed my teeth and handed me aspirin, ordering me to go to sleep. I did it without arguing because I was exhausted and my body felt numb. Ethan stayed by my side, flipping pages of my book in my desk chair and glancing at me every five minutes just to make sure I was there. I don’t know how I managed to tell him to cuddle with me, but he did.

My heart calmed down when I laid my head on his chest, his arm wrapped around me and gently rubbing my back, soothing me. Taking a deep breath, I peered up at his face, “Ethan, why are you so nice to me?”

He furrowed his brows at me. “What do you mean?”

I licked my lips and looked away from him. “I left you. I chose myself over our relationship and yet you are . . .here. Why don’t you hate me?”

He didn’t reply for a while, and his heartbeat increased under my palm. He cupped my face and made me look at him, his blue-green eyes intense.

“I can never hate you, Bella. You would do the same if I were in your place.” He paused and gave me a small smile, “And you are my best friend.”

Hearing those words did something weird to my stomach. I grinned and kissed his palm, tucking my head in his chest. Ethan was asleep with his arm loosely wrapped around my waist when I thought about all the events that happened that day.

I knew that I needed to stay away from any close romantic relationships. Either I would hurt that person, or that person would end up hurting me. It wasn’t worth it for all the pain and hurt. All I wanted was to feel normal again without having any romantic feelings for anyone at all. I needed to be stronger than before and not fall for it. I don’t want anyone to hurt me like that again.

Like Paul had when we were thirteen. Like the passing of my mom, my family pushing me away, and leaving Ethan when I was eighteen. Like how Jake hid being a father. I won’t allow it anymore. I will be stronger even though I have to keep people at arm’s length.

I clutched my heart, curling into a ball, the void getting bigger and bigger, and fell asleep with warm tears staining my pillow.