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Sixteen

15th July, Sunday

Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom, but she can be very truthful and honest sometimes. Like how she knows I love you and am too scared to admit it because I am too scared to ruin our friendship.

Only if it was easy to admit what we feel and stop overthinking every decision we make. It would be so damn easy to confess my genuine feelings for you, E.

Speaking of, you don’t appreciate my dry humor, Ethan.

When you asked me to swim with you, I replied that I needed the swim lessons. You got that angry look on your face saying that it was Liam’s fault that he pushed me in the pool.

But how could I ever tell you it was my fault?

In his weird Liam way, he was trying to help me. He was right. You saved me. But it’s sad that I didn’t let you save me again as you are reading this.

As soon as you said it was his fault, I pushed you away. Even Katherine. Because that’s all I know. Pushing away. Running away. And just . . . jumping. Which I already tried, haha.

The truth is, I am drowning. I want you to save me again and again. I am so caught up in feeling each emotion that I don’t know what’s happening around me. But sometimes, I forget that you are a human and you need saving too.

So, I pushed those feelings away and tried to be happy around you, for your sake. You looked so happy and sad when you talked with Eveline yesterday on my phone. I tried my best to swim around you without having a panic attack, thinking about the last time.

Do you know how happy you looked when you were swimming? Or the time when you were cuddling with my stomach with your head on my lap? I don’t care if you put on an intimidating, angry mask for the world because you were hurt in the past by those bullies. But when you’re with me, it slips away and you turn into a beautiful, goofy guy who needs all the love he deserves.

I am sorry that those children bullied you and I wasn’t always there for you, but I promise you I will always love you. Even when you’re reading this, I want you to know that wherever I am, I may be happy—away from those horrible voices and I will love you.

Love,

Kiara

P.S. Do you know you purr adorably when I run my hand through your hair? Looking at your smile with a dizzy look on your face, I realized that I took a fart on my heart.