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I sat up on the bed, my lower belly aching with unbearable cramps. Tears welled in my eyes when I saw the mattress and my sweatpants were covered in my blood. Ethan was kneeling beside me on the edge of the bed trying to say that little bleeding was normal. But I knew it was not normal.

Something was wrong.

“It’s alright, sweetheart.Shh, don’t cry, I will talk to the doctor.”

He wiped the silent tears from my face and helped me stand up. He gave me some space in the washroom while he changed the sheets and asked me to call for him if it hurt too much.

We were silent on our drive to the hospital. I was clutching his hand tightly with both hands while he silently drove the car. We both didn’t know what to say, especially after we had just decided on names.

It’s my fault.

No, no, no, don’t think like that, Kiara.The baby is fine.

I can’t lose another child.

“It will be alright, Bella,” Ethan whispered, squeezing my hand while I sat patiently on the bed. The nurse and doctor had checked up on me and we were waiting for the doctor.

I nodded and tried to smile at him, but I couldn’t smile. I straightened up when the doctor came in, and looking at her face, I knew what she was going to say. My heart broke into tiny pieces. My throat ached and a soundless sob escaped my mouth. I shook my head, not wanting to hear what she was going to say. Wanting to deny the truth. Tears blurred my eyes and pooled down my face.

“We are sorry for your loss,” she said, trying to be polite as she held my shoulder. Ethan squeezed my hand. He looked like he was about to cry when he scooted to the bed and hugged me to his chest.

My sobs pierced through the room, and the doctor left us alone, closing the door behind her. It was hard listening to myself cry while I felt the hospital gown getting wet over my shoulder. Ethan was crying too, but didn’t want to make a sound.

I kept muttering, ‘I am sorry’ through the heaving sobs as I clutched my stomach and squeezed my eyes shut, wanting to stop the pain.

* * *

It had been a week since the death of my second unborn child and it was taking a toll on me. I tried to be the best teacher I could, focusing on my job even though it made me cry every time I was alone. Ethan had tried asking me to go to therapy, but I didn’t dare to speak up about it. I kept the façade up that I was alright. That I was fine. But both Ethan and I knew I wasn’t.

“Morning, Bella,” I heard Ethan’s hoarse voice and tensed up. I served the eggs on a plate for him, keeping it on the island.

“Morning,” I mumbled and moved my head, closing my eyes when he pecked my cheek.

I heard him sigh, and my hands balled in fists when he sat down on the stool, his unmatched eyes searching for mine.

“Where’s your breakfast, Kiara? Come on, we can share,” he nodded at the stool next to his.

I shook my head as I removed the apron, “I already had breakfast.” I said. I had a glass of protein shake.

“You’re lying,” he glared at me, pain flashing in his eyes. “Please come and sit beside me. Let’s talk.”

I ignored him, my feet taking me to my bedroom, ready to hide. He followed me.

“Look at me, Bella.”

I did and noticed the bags underneath his eyes, remnants of pain behind those diamond eyes. I remembered the tears leaking from them after hearing the news.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and shook my head. “I am going to take a shower.”

“Do you want me to—”

“No, Ethan.”

I didn’t let him reply as I rushed to the washroom and turned on the shower, throwing up in the toilet.There goes my breakfast.I wiped the tears and flushed the toilet as I finally looked at myself in the mirror, hating what stared back at me. Sullen, gleamy eyes, pale face, and my cheekbones and jaw looked sharper than ever. Hollow. I stripped out of my clothes and whimpered, cupping my mouth when I saw my pale skin. Tears brimmed my eyes when I saw how thin my body looked.

This is what I did to myself.

Still silently crying, I turned on the warm water to shower, swallowing the sobs and whimpers that threatened to escape.