Page 17

Seventeen

16th July, Monday

Lots of things happened yesterday. I gave you a blow job, tried to do your rough sketch and when I was about to give last touches—Karan came and ruined it explaining to me how it was the worst thing I’ve ever done and showed me my mistakes. I let him. I wanted to scream at him for ruining the sketch I had worked hard on for hours.

When I went to his room to give him a piece of my mind, I saw that he was crying. I thought Rachel was ‘The One’ for Karan, so much to my surprise when he said that she broke up with him.

After crying with him, I realized something, Ethan. Everyone in this world is suffering from something. Life itself is suffering. But it’s our choice if we want to show our suffering to the world or not. Like me, some hide the pain behind their smile because that would make them forget about their own suffering. Even for a little while.

Then, there are some like Karan. The bullies. Maybe in his own crazy way, he forgot about his suffering by ruining my sketch and hurting me ten times more in the process.

You know, everything was going smoothly. I was trying to be happy with you—no; I was happy. More than happy. I found my happiness with you, Ethan. I considered this as a ray of hope. A small step ahead toward a bright and happy future. But then, there it is. Always lurking behind my happiness.

One small step forward . . . ten huge steps backward.

The worst part was that Karan didn’t even realize why I was crying with him, so I let him believe whatever he wanted. I was on the verge of an anxiety attack when I got back to my room. Feeling brave, I wanted to tell Karan that I was having an anxiety attack and I needed his help. When I went back to his room to tell him, I stumbled on my words.

Before I could tell him, his friend called, and he said, ‘We will talk later. This is important.’ Guess what I did? I smiled. Brightly. When he closed the door in my face.

I sat on the edge of my bed and I don’t know how many tears left my eyes, but I knew they weren’t enough to let anyone know how I felt during that moment. I helped him but when I needed help . . . he left me broken. He didn’t even see how numb and void my eyes were. How numb and void I was. I am.

I knew no one would care, so I wiped the tears and grinned like I was a perfectly normal person. I mean . . . that’s what I do, eh? Pretend.

So, pretending I am happy, I came to your room, and I hated every inch of my body as you looked at me as if there was something worth looking at. You saw past me, Ethan. Like I was transparent, and you knew what I was feeling every fucking time, and I hated that.

So, I lied. Again.

Telling you about Karan and Rachel’s breakup. You believed me because I was crying on your shoulder, hiding my face from you. Because I was scared that if I let you see me, you would hate what you’re looking at and you would know.

I am sad, Ethan. So sad . . . it hurts. Why does it hurt so much?

Maybe because I feel everything and nothing.

Love,

Kiara