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want to be ungrateful or take advantage—”

“Mom. Mom, I know.” I uncurl my fingers when I

realize that’s exactly where Mom is looking. At my white

knuckles and nails mashed into the countertop. I lift my head,

but it’s not easy to look her in the eye. It’s not easy to tell her

like this, when I haven’t prepared.

I’ve had years to do that. How much time did I really

need? I should have done this a long time ago.

“I did take someone with me to a hotel. That’s true. I

did treat her. But she’s not just a friend.”

Mom’s hand grasps for the counter now. She’s a strong

woman, otherwise I’d rush around to the other side to support

her if she went down or fainted or something. As it is, her jaw

sets and she studies me without blinking. She’s mastered this

business face. The face that she gives to people who are being

dicks or who are questioning her authority or saying stupid

crap about my dad to her. She puts on this unreadable face so

that people can’t see what she’s feeling underneath of it.

“Mom! I wanted to tell you. I should have told you. I

was going to! I just…I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know

how to say it. I know that you and Dad are really conservative.

I know that you don’t hate anyone or judge other people, but

you have these ideas about how the world should work. I

know you do. I was scared. I tried to be normal! No, I’m not

going to use that word. I tried to be like most people. I tried to

convince myself that it was just a phase—”

“It is just a phase! You have no idea what you’re

talking about! You’re still young. You’re just experimenting.

Trying to get in your time before you have to settle down and

get married. I’m sorry. I pushed you too hard. I was butting in.