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‘Fine, but only if you promise not to say anything to me on the way there. And I mean not a word. I don’t want to talk about. . .us any more.’

‘Gladly.’

In silence, he walked me to the spare bedroom next door to his, in a villa that’s almost identical to ours, escorting me gallantly like a knight to a lady. The corridor was dark and the only light within was coming from the large windows casting columns of moon on the terracotta tile. When we got to the door, he held a hand up, signalling for me to wait, before holding up a single finger–one minute. In a quarter of that time, he returned with a large clean black T-shirt for me to wear to bed. Malakai can’t help it. He has to frustrate all decisions to be angry at him.

‘Thank you.’

Malakai didn’t say anything. He just inclined his head and turned to return to his room.

This should have been fine. It is fine. Except I can’t sleep. Every stem of argument Malakai and I have ever had is whirring in my head alongside every single vignette of Malakai and I laughing together, having sex, crying together, till they all tangle. I can’t see where the good times end and the ‘hard times’ start any more because they all feed into each other. They’re all us.Us.Us, living life, goingthroughlife together. I’ve never fought with anyone like I have with Malakai, because I’ve never felt like this about anyone else. My heart stutters a new knowledge; I’m not fighting with him. I’m fighting this living thing between us and it is futile.

I don’t know how to reconcile that with my fear, the stinging, sore spots that are still hurting. The problem is he’s my favourite kind of trouble and I’ve never known how to resist. I’ve said so much, but still so much of our conversation is unfinished– we are unfinished– and I need to stop running from it, stop letting the Unsaids fester and become dank in our minds because I’m scared of what will come when the Unsaid is no longer Unsaid, when they are left to grow outside the confines of our complications and cowardice.

How will I know if they’ll blossom or gnarl if I don’t let them out? So I get up, feet landing in a light slap on the cool tile, make my way to the door, barely giving myself time to think and frankly I am quite over thinking, chewing my thoughts till they become distorted, distended versions of what they’re supposed to be. I open my door to step out just as Malakai has opened his door to step out, shirtless, in boxers, momentarily disoriented and deliciously disorienting and perennially glorious, and we both look at each other in the corridor, moonlight shining between us, a column between our feet, and isn’t the moon a reflection of the sun anyway? So we meet in the middle, stand in it.

‘Scotch.’ It’s a low, burning burr. ‘I need you to know that you could never be a mistake, a glitch, or a blip. You’re the only thing that makes sense to me. You’re everything. Every fucking thing to me, and leaving you broke something inside me, but you have to understand that I thought I was already broken. I felt like I didn’t have anything to give you. The thing is, Keeks, you see me. You always have. It’s always made me feel safe, but I’ve always been shook of it, if I’m honest. Which I think I haven’t been, not enough, not with you.’ He steps closer to me. ‘You’re right– I did leave. I ran away, but it wasn’t from you. God, Scotch,’ he shakes his head, releases a huff of surrender, ‘you’re the only thing on earth I want to run to. I can’t run from you– you’re part of me. The best part of me. The only person I’m sure I’ll find in the dark. And I did. In my darkest moments, I still saw you. Still knew I was capable of feeling something because of you. You’re the only person I’ve ever chosen, but it never felt like a choice, it felt like instinct. Loving you was like muscle memory from a time before . . . shit, I even knew I existed.’ He pauses, fortifying himself, ‘But back then. . . when everything went down, I was running from myself, Scotch. I’m not proud of it, but I didn’t want to look at my pain. I was scared of it. It felt weak to me. I was scared to feel weak. And I knew you would give me a safe place to feel. I didn’t want to feel. I felt like feeling would like. . .incapacitate me. And it’s impossible to be numb with you. All my senses, all my cells, are wired to feel you. Like they’re at. . .optimum capacity around you. So I hid from you.’

Malakai’s eyes meet mine, overfull, heavy with a reflection of the sun, of our sun, the one I thought had died with us. ‘And I didn’t tell you about the situation with Jade because I was so used to hiding. I should have told you and I’m sorry. No excuses. And I know I didn’t give you a reason to trust me. I should have fought for you, but the truth was I didn’t want to fight for you and let you down. Scotch, I really did think I was doing right by you by letting you go. I couldn’t think straight. My mind didn’t feel right. I felt heavy. And I even told myself that ultimately you were relieved. When Aminah let slip–at the shoot–how cut up about it you were, it fucked me up. Really, really bad, Kiki. I never wanted to hurt you. I’m so fucking sorry. It would have destroyed me if I’d thought I was. I told myself that I was ripping a plaster off for you. I thought you deserved a version of me that was fixed. I thought I could bury myself and emerge like a new version of myself, but I didn’t realise that I was isolating you. And then when I thought a new version would never come, I left. Told myself fucked up lies about how you never really wanted this, that only your ego was bruised.’ He swallows, ‘I was a coward, Keeks. I didn’t want to believe that I’d broken your heart. Didn’t want to believe I was capable of that. Look, I love my dad, but you were right. I was making the same mistakes he did. He shut himself out. When he finally stopped, there was already. . .’ Malakai’s voice falters, pain lacing through, ‘. . . so much time wasted. I don’t want to do that. Scotch, I will never forgive myself for making you feel lonely within us. This–’ he steps closer to me, points to the space between us– ‘here, is the one place you should never feel lonely. And I’m so ashamed of it. Because the truth is there were three things that got me through the darkest months. It was the thought of you, my mum and Muyiwa. And I never properly thanked you. You were there for me even when I couldn’t be there for myself. You were brave when I couldn’t be. You were brave enough for the both of us.’

Malakai pauses, takes a breath that I forgot to take.

It rocks me, loosens something in me that causes tears to stream. When I speak, my words are so soft they feel like they will fall apart once they touch theusbound up in energy between us, hot, taut.

‘Malakai, I never wanted anything more from you thanyou.I need you to know that you were always more than enough. Kai, you’re the most. You’remostto me. And you are strong. You were there for your mum and brother whilst dealing with your own pain. Feeling that pain doesn’t make you weak, Kai. It’s real. And one of the best things about you is how much you feel. That’s your strength. Don’t run from it. If you can’t feel the bad, then you can’t feel the good. Everything you are is most and enough andrightand you make me feel most and enough and right.And, yeah, it sucks that you locked me out, but I never told you that. I probably made the issue worse for myself by not telling you that on time. And I should have trusted you enough to know that if I told you that you would have listened. I’m sorry I didn’t. Because you’ve never once stopped having my back. I get it now. Even when we broke up, I. . . I realise that in your grief-haze you thought you were having my back.’

‘But it came out so fucked, Scotch. I just. . . I didn’t know what to do. . . how to tell you. . . I could barely keep myself together—’

‘We both messed up at some point, Kai. Neither of us trusted each other enough. I’m not saying I would have done it perfectly, but I think I could have tried to leave some grace, some space for that for what was going on in your head. You must have been so lonely. I locked you out in a way too. And if I had let you in maybe you would have let me in. I was just so scared. You had so much on and I didn’t want to add to it—’ I stop and catch myself. I’m terrified, again, of being turned inside out, flesh hitting the air, heart exposed to the atmosphere.

‘Scotch,’ Malakai says as he brushes his thumb across my lips and sends a jolt through my entire body, ‘I never want you to feel like that again. Who you are is an abundance, not a burden.’ His gaze blazes into me. ‘You’remyabundance.’

It breaks something open inside of me, lets all the light in. I bite my lip to control my emotions. ‘I want all of you always, Kai. Give me all of it always.’

The look Malakai directs my way sears through the fear and heats all the coldest corners in me. Now that I feel us coming together again, I see that these bit parts, broken pieces of what we were, were making me famished. All they did was remind me of how hungry I am for more of him, for more of us. I pull back and stare at him. Truth pumps through my body, making my ears pound, the warmth that barely bubbled under the heavy surface of fear, of hurt, bursts through, blooming. It affirms what I’ve been trying to run away from: there was never any falling out of this. I never stopped loving Malakai, beinginlove with Malakai, there was just a repression, a pretension that I had what it took to stop loving a man that looked at me like I was the universe poured into form, who reminded me to feel the power I have at my fingertips. Who was smart, and sensitive, and did things like secretly help me save the thing that was most important to me in the world. Even if it were possible to stop loving him, I wouldn’t want to.

This feeling of being known so deeply that every part of you seems to sink deeper into its place around that person, the feeling of stubborn ease that overrides animosity, of feeling capable, powerful,enjoyed, of enjoyingthem,that feeling is euphoric. Fuck physics– we’re transcendental. Our sun is generated from our heat and can’t burn out, can’t be destroyed. It just rests, even in the face of the terror that you might lose it all again, waiting to rise again, to create something anew, shining light on the debris and revealing precious stone, metals, minerals, things to rebuild. We could do this together, I think, maybe we can work this ruin, because how disastrous could our ruin really be when the nature of what we had was wondrous?

‘Everything that’s me is yours, Scotch.’

My hands have found their way to his chest and then his own hands spread on my waist, spanning everything it takes to hold me, to grip me tight. Our lips bump and the kiss isn’t so much an explosion as a delicious sweet-slow burn that’s even better, exquisite, heavy and confident in knowledge, our tongues taking time to lave and relish. I want more, and Kai will give me more, I believe that.

He pulls away only to ask a question: ‘What else did you want when you came to knock on my door, Kiki?’ His eyes are quartz, and the question hooks into my stomach. My body answers for me, because I lift a leg and wrap it round his waist and Malakai picks it up, and then the other, as my mouth replies as well, in tautological emphasis: ‘You, you, you,’ in between deep, ravenous kisses that make my eyes blur. All I can think isKai, Kai, Kai,the sound of my heartbeat thrumming between my legs, which have tightened around him, hips bucking against his growing need, hard and hot and pulsing, and he moans into my mouth. He pushes his door open and carries me inside, wisely shutting the door, because I have a lot to say, to sigh, to scream. He lays me in the bed like I’m delicate, long-sought-after treasure. Slowly, he lifts my shirt up and discards it on the floor, before tugging my underwear down my legs, looking at my bared self like I am the first sunrise.

‘Look at you,’ he says, his voice a low hum of wonder. ‘Thank God for you,’ and it makes me feel like a soulful note, suspended in the air, the kind that makes you want to close your eyes and sit in the sweet of your spirit, the kind that raises goosebumps on the skin.

I have goosebumps all over mine as he runs his hands over my body lightly, skimming just under my breasts, dancing and brushing and taking their time, chasing his touches with feathery kisses. His mouth is on my stomach and it lingers, in tropical suction, nipping, like he’s ensuring he’s relished every part of me, and I wonder how an innocuous area can feel so charged? The kiss on my belly fans a flame, and I moan, and the kiss rises to my breasts where he rolls my nipples in his mouth, in maddening circles that spiral down to my pussy. At my sigh, he lightly grazes it with his teeth, then sucking, flicking, teasing me with his tongue, before moving to do the same on the other bud. Might Kai be the death of me? No, he’s part of the life of me.

Everything feels too good to bear, and I need to get my revenge, so I say, ‘Get over here,’ and then he’s licking at my neck as I slip my hand into his boxers and curve it around the impressive heft of him, enjoying the power of him getting improbably firmer in my hand, before I stroke the velvety heat slowly at first, the way I remember he likes, and Malakai swears, asks me what I’m trying to do to him, and I reply, ‘Exactly what you do to me.’

My kiss is messy, swiping at his lip before biting, opposing the deliberate touch, the contrast amping up the static between us. I crave him. I push his boxers down and increase the pace of my strokes, stoking my own thirst as Malakai bucks his hard length into my hand to meet my touch and begs me, calls me a ‘very–’ a bite on the base of my throat– ‘wicked woman’.

I nip his shoulder back, show my fangs as I whisper, ‘Kai. . .just so you know, I’m good. Still got my IUD and got tested before I came out here. Just to be sure.’

Malakai’s eyes flash. ‘Me too. I’m all clear. Got tested before I came to London. I haven’t been with anyone but you, since that night.’

This sends an entirely ego-driven thrill through me and I try and fail to curb a cocky smile. ‘You knew no one would compare, huh?’

‘Something like that,’ Malakai’s eyes dance across my face like he’s cataloguing every cell and his thumb sweeps my lips before tugging my mouth open. ‘Exactly like that,’ he says before he kisses me again, licking into my mouth ferociously, which has the immediate effect of pushing my legs further apart, grinding shamelessly against his arousal as my own tongue meets his hunger.