Page 71

‘I know. I just said that.’

‘This is entirely my fault.’

‘I know that too.’

‘OK.’ Malakai nodded, a tiny smile on his face, even though this shit wasn’t funny. I could feel my anger receding despite myself, the irrevocable truth cooling it down. Malakai wouldn’t willingly keep things from me. ‘So, last month Matthew came to us with the opportunity to go for six months. He would pay for accommodation for two months, money would be more and. . . and there would be a chance to carve a career out there. He wants us to help out with his next project, but then someone just tried to scout me in front of him, like, just now. One of his frenemy director friends wanted me to work under him. Then he offered to pay my rent for six months. I mean it’s mainly just ego, but, still, it’s a huge shift. Anyway, even before now, I just wanted to think on it. At a work lunch– a group lunch, by the way– I’d mentioned, casually that I hadn’t even told you yet. Jade was there. She just wants to stir—’

I was still confused. ‘Malakai, it’s objectively good news. Matthew believes in you; he wants toinvestin you. It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity. And now he’s basically paying your way? Why didn’t you tell me?’

Malakai’s face was casual, his eyes darting to something beyond my head. ‘Because there’s nothing to tell. I’m not going.’

I snatched my wrists from his hands in shock. ‘Why?’

Malakai shrugged. ‘I’m not doing anything that’s going to take me away from you.’

My heart lurched. I got it. I was terrified too. I already felt our paths diverging slightly, our worlds overlapping less and less and a whole new country would add a whole new dimension to it. Still, my hand flew to his face, forcing him to look at me. ‘OK, but you do know nothing could, right? Remember how I went to New York after uni for my internship that summer? You encouraged me, even though it was going to be our first summer together, and I’m so grateful for tha—’

Malakai’s thumb swept across my cheek. ‘That was six weeks, Scotch. This is six months—’

The perspective made me momentarily dizzy, but I was still held down by the conviction of what we had. ‘We’ll figure it out. I can get some time off, visit you for a few days? If anything changes at the end of the six months, we’ll reassess. Maybe I can look for something out there.’ I swallowed as the reality of it dawned. Since that first summer, Malakai and I hadn’t been apart for longer than three weeks. ‘The idea of you leaving makes me sick, only because I’ll miss you, but, Malakai–’ I took his hand from my face, squeezed it, needing to impress how much I meant what I was saying– ‘You have so much to do and I’ll never forgive myself for getting in your way. I’mexcitedfor you. And you don’t get to make decisions on my behalf. You don’t have that right. Now, do you want to go?’

Malakai’s eyes shone. ‘Yeah. I do.’ I nodded and kissed him lightly on the lips. ‘So you go. And we’re not just gonna survive, we’ll thrive. You’ll see. I’ll hold it down, building over here, and you’ll be over there chopping it up at some Rich Black Guy brunch or some shit.’ Malakai chuckled and I lifted his knuckles to my lips. ‘It will be good for both of us. I promise.’

That was five months ago. That was Before. Before his dad died, before Malakai started retreating from me. Now, he had the audacity to step closer to me calmly despite the clear nerves jouncing in his eyes.

His voice was even as he recounted the evening. ‘OK, we were all out for after-work drinks. All six of us, including Jade. Someone introduced shots. I lost track of time, realised it was time to go so I went outside, decided to get an Uber to get here, thought it would be quicker. I’m waiting outside for it, and she joins me. She’s making conversation, just chatting shit really. She starts talking about how gassed she is that we’re going to LA. That we’d be living in the same building. I don’t really respond. I’m barely listening. I swear, Scotch, I don’t say shit. My car comes, she moves to hug me goodbye, which she’s never done before, but I think nothing of it.’ His eyes squared with mine, and his jaw tensed. ‘Then she tried to kiss me. I put an end to it quick. She apologised. I said I had to go.’

I sat down on the bed, the weight of my heart in my stomach disrupting every gut feeling I thought I had. I felt sick. I stared ahead. ‘Cool.’

‘Kiki. Kiki look at me.’ He bent in front of me, on his knees. ‘I didn’t kiss her back. I would never disrespect you like that. Come on, you know me—’

I swivelled my heavy eyes to him. ‘Do I?’

Malakai stilled, audacious hurt skittering across his face. ‘Kiki,nothinghappened—’

‘Nah, Malakai, something happened. You lied to me. You fuckinglied,’ and I hated my voice for cracking, hated the hefty tear that slipped down my cheek. ‘Something you were never supposed to do. You were never supposed to be that guy. When did you become that guy?’

Malakai shook his head, his eyes flaming. ‘Kiki, I’m sorry I hid it from you, but I didn’t lie to you. I would never lie to you. I just didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to get upset over someone who is so fucking irrelevant to me. It’s not important. She’s not important to me. She’s a non-factor—’

Was heseriouswith acting like it wasn’t something worth saying? As if she was a random girl who made a pass at him at a bar? I was beginning to rage, my voice hardening, the aloofness evaporating and forming a steam coming from my ears.

‘Yeah, she’s a non-factor you’re gonna be living in the same building with for six months, Malakai.Ooh, Malakai Korede.’ I smiled about absolutely nothing. ‘Do not act like I’m stupid. I beg you do not. It will not end well for you. Why did she even feel comfortable to move to you—’

‘Really, Kiki? You’re gonna ask me what I did to encourage her? You can’t just trust there’s never a situation where I would actively let a girl know that was OK to do—’

‘How am I supposed to trust you in that situation when you couldn’t even tell me?’

‘You’re supposed to trust me because I’m me, Kiki!’ He pounded his chest with a flat palm. ‘You’re supposed to trust me because that’s what we do.’

I shook my head with disbelief that he wasn’t understanding. I got up and spun round, as he rose to meet me, putting my hands together in prayer and pointing them in his direction. ‘Malakai, it’s so crazy that you’re talking about trust and how I’m supposed to know you when I have tobegto see you these days. Do you know howhumiliatingthat is? It’s like you’re running away from me—’

‘Kiki, this shit ain’t about you—’

‘Yeah, I’ve gathered.’

‘I’ve told you why I’m busy. Youknowwhy. Scotch.’ He stepped closer to me, controlling his breathing, his eyes pleading, ‘Please.Pleaselet’s not fight over this random girl trying it. Let’s not insult what we have by doing that—’

I released a little screech of frustration, an unleashing of months of pent-up feeling, ‘Oh my God, you don’t get it, Malakai! It’s not about her. I don’t give a shit about her and her ugly nude glitter nails. She could try and give you a handy in Leicester Square for all I care– hitting on an openly loyal person with a girlfriend is a kind of humiliation kink I can’t fathom– but it’s aboutyou.If I felt secure about where we were, this wouldn’t even be a thing! It’s about the fact that you’re pulling away from me when you’re moving away in a month. It’s the fact that, a year ago, you would have come in laughing about how that girl tried it on with you, made a joke about how you still got it, not hid it from me—’