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He takes a deep breath, and steps closer to me, ‘The second thing, babe, is this. I’ve thought about the probability of meeting someone as great as you in the future, and it’s extremely unlikely. You’re intelligent, good-looking, kind with great morals. And though those morals may be. . .impractical sometimes, ultimately I’m glad you have them. Like, it’s better that you have them than not have them. And I feel like we really needed this break to think and be certain that we’re supposed to be together. I’ve missed your company, Kiki, and I really think we can build a long-lasting partnership together. Look, I know you were at M’s party with Malakai. I was there. I saw you together.’

I frown, my mind sharpening around various points of his words, not bothering to elucidate the fact that though we were together, we weren’ttogether.‘And why didn’t you say anything?’

‘Because it doesn’t matter to me, Kiki.’ His demeanour is odd, casual. And it’s not that I needed any performative macho nonsense about the fact that he saw me with my ex, but I would at least expectsomesort of emotional response that would put rest to the idea that he is, in fact, a robot. ‘The past doesn’t matter. Look, I wanted a break so we can both clarify our relationship, and this is what it’s done—’

‘Wait. Hold up.’ I laugh blithely, holding up a hand in realisation. ‘You didn’t say anything, because you were with someone too, weren’t you? At the party?’ I tilt my head in gentle enquiry and a non-accusatory smile and Bakari looks uncomfortable.

‘Look, Kiki, we’re adults. We were both exploring our options—’

I snort, and my hand flies to my mouth, because, really, this is hilarious. My man has been going totown. Why haven’t I been going to town? Instead, I’ve been wasting time doing an erotic emotional dance with one (1) man.

‘Options? As inplural? Shit, you’ve been busy—’

‘And I feel like we needed to do that to know for sure that we’re right together. We work well together. Both determined Black professionals.’ Ew, why is he talking about us like we’re statistics? ‘Also, I’ve actually nominated you for next year’s 30 Under 30—’

Slowly, a picture is beginning to form in my mind, questions adding shade and colour to Bakari’s Big Romantic Gesture. ‘How generous of you. Is Kitty’s podcast doing well?’

Bakari does an amazing job of looking confused. ‘Well, no. They actually cancelled it. Obviously, I mean, she’s not you—’

I nod with deep understanding. ‘Obviously. So actually it would benefit SoundSugar to have me back, now they have that slot open in their roster. Also I’ve been getting quite a few messages on social media from listeners asking why the podcast isn’t coming back. I’m sure it’s leaked to SoundSugar’s socials too. Having me back would be a PR blessing. Smooth over any whispers of nasty business. Right?’

‘Well, sure, but I don’t know how that’s relevant—’

‘. . . and if it benefits SoundSugar, it benefits you. Sweetens your deal with your new parent company if you can get me back, right?’

‘I mean, of course, but that’s nothing to do with—’

‘And it would be so powerful if I had a big podcast in SoundSugar, and of course you have Oynx. We would be great. A Black power couple.’

Bakari smiles and picks up my hand. ‘Exactly, babe. Think of how it would grow our personal brands?’

My eyes widen in delight, because, really, nothing is more euphoric than having complete and utter clarity on a decision. Here I have a man who wants to be with me, bringing up ourpersonal brands.How could a girl say no?

‘My personal brand was the first thing I thought of, actually. And, lowkey, you kind of love that I was at M’s party, don’t you?’

‘Well, M’s a major player in culture. Being at that party says something about who you are–’ seriously, who thehellis M?–‘and the fact that we were both there shows that we’re both at the same stage of life. We’realigned,Kiki.’

I shake my head. ‘Oh man, Bakari, babes, I don’t think we are.’ I pull my hand from his. ‘I think you’re deceptively shallow and you hide it underneath bullshit tech-founder speak aboutvision,andcommunitywhen actually all you give a shit about is yourself. How you appear. I’m not trying to be mean–I’m just. . .I feel like I need to tell you the complete truth for once. The worst of it all is that I don’t think you’re a bad guy. I just think you’re a good guy who doesn’t have the guts or the sense of self to live in his truth, and to me that’s sadder. Because I know who you could be–that’s who I liked and thought I loved. It’s just... I don’t know... you’ve kind of mutated as you’ve got more successful. And I don’t even blame you for the end of us. I really don’t. I just wanted adequate to beenoughfor me and it isn’t.’ I pause and squint into the air as I realise something. ‘Which is actually kind of ironic considering how obsessed you are with being the best.’

Bakari looks like I’ve punched him in the face, and while I do feel marginally bad about that, I’m really having an epiphany and I can’t stop now. I haven’t really had time to think about mine and Bakari’s relationship over the past few months and the opportunity releases a surge of realisation. I feel lighter, freer, during my pavement confessional. ‘Anyway. Iamsorry that I dragged us out for so long when, really, I was emotionally coasting. I wasn’t challenged, and I liked that. I was so. . .terrified of feeling too much that I told myself that I was OK with not being known—’

Bakari finally speaks, frowning. ‘Kiki. Come on. I know you—’ Interestingly, he’s only taking offence to the accusation that he isn’t The Best At Relationships.

‘Bakari, I don’t really like roses. I think they’re, like, the equivalent of a slogan T-shirt costing £60 that reads “divine feminine energy”. I don’t know how to explain that further. Anyway, I should have told you that. I’m sorry, but you also never asked. Also, I think it’s sad that you read summaries of all the books on the Booker shortlist so you can have something to talk about at fundraisers instead of reading something youactuallylike. I mean one that isn’t a self-help book calledHow to Make Friends and Fire People. I just want you to take some time to figure out who you really are and what you really like without thinking about who you’resupposedto be, you know? I feel like you became this super-successful person super early, and then let that dictate who you are instead of the other way round. And I think who you really are is cool. Like I said, I liked you. I really liked you, Bakari. And I think you liked me too, in the beginning, but I think at some point you liked the idea of me better than me. Which I’m not taking personally, by the way. I mean, I know I’m fantastic. I just think you were too busy to like anyone other than yourself in any real way. I fit into your vision of a “good life”, but I don’t actually think you want to build one with me. Also, this job isn’t something I’m doing while I “find my feet”. I love being creative. I love that my heart steers my mind. It’s who I am. And also, just by the way, it’s like,patentlyobvious that you’re fucking Amelie.’

Bakari blinks several times and pinches the front of his neck. He coughs and glances at the ground.

‘It wasn’t before we broke up.’

I smile cheerily. ‘Ah yeah, but you were getting there, weren’t you.’

Bakari says nothing. I should feel sad. There is a space in me where sadness should be and I’m waiting for it to fill up, but it’s dry. Maybe there’s some vague disappointment there, a touch of disillusionment, but overall I think I’m fine. Actually, I think I might be great. I feel unburdened, like even when we weren’t together I was keeping a contorted version of myself alive, one that let herself call arid monochrome plains love, when I knew I was capable of a tropical rainforest, plush soil, plump fruit. Malakai and I didn’t last, and maybe we weren’t meant to, but what I felt was real, and not even he can take that away from me. That love is still mine to give.

‘You know, in that whole speech–really gaveWhen Harry Met Sallya run for its money there, by the way, especially the bit when you spoke about having a long-lasting partnership like you’re a world leader of a global superpower looking to form a treaty with me–you never said you loved me once.’

Bakari’s face softens. Not like he’s sorry, but more like he feels sorry for me. ‘Kiki, love is. . .whatever you make it out to be, as long as you have the same objectives as the other person, but. . .I get now that our objectives are different.’

‘No, see, I disagree, Bakari. I mean I agree that our objectives are different, but I don’t think love is “whatever”. I think it’s a definitive, persistent thing, that you can feel and touch and bite into, and it colours everything.Everything.You can’t fold it away in a convenient place. You can’t work around it. You choose it, and you keep choosing it and it becomes part of who you are and that’s a good thing because, if it’s right, it’s built from who you are anyway– parts of your spirit and parts of the other person’s spirit coming together to make this little world for you both. It helps to power you, navigating the world around you.’