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‘It is, actually. It is. And I’m sorry. I should have known.’ I pick up his hand, and his gaze glazes over. I pull him towards me, wrap his arms round me as I wind mine round his back. For a beat, his arms hang loose as if resisting submission to a nameless enemy. Then they tighten, tighten so hard it’s as if he’s using me for gravity. His hands press firmly into my skin, as if he’s been looking for somewhere to lean for some time, as if he’s exhausted. He buries his head in my neck and I smooth my hand across his back.

‘Let’s sit,’ I say.

Malakai releases me, his eyes cloudy, jaw pulled taut. ‘The others will be wondering where we are.’

‘So let them wonder. I don’t give a fuck. Let’s sit down, Malakai. Talk to me.’

Malakai maintains my stare for a beat, before deciding obedience is best. He settles down on the wicker lounge chair, and he leans forward, elbows on his knees, staring at the slithers of night through the branches. He slowly worries at the knuckles of his left hand with the thumb of his right. ‘It was his birthday the day I first met Taré. I just wanted to forget. It was a cumulation of things. Losing you. Losing him. Being angry at myself because leaving you was voluntary. Knowing I had to didn’t make it easier. With my dad, it’s got easier every year in the same way it’s got harder. I learn to manage my emotions better, but it’s harder because it’s, like. . .it’s weird. The longer it is the more it’s, like, cemented into fact. Life. That he’s not here. And every time I’m reminded it knocks the wind out of me.’ He glances sideways at me, as if he’s not sure if he can trust himself to show too much. ‘His birthday is a massive reminder. This year would have been his sixtieth.’

He’s speaking in sharp, stark sentences, stripped of as much emotion as he can, as if he’s avoiding words so heavy that they may break him. ‘And, Scotch, I’m mad. So, so angry that he left. That he left just as we were getting good. He was trying. Nothing could ever erase how badly he fucked up with us, but he was putting in the work with mum. She forgave him, and wanted me to, so I tried. They were figuring it out, planning to move to Lagos together. He was putting in effort with Muyiwa, taking an interest in me. He told me he wasproudof me, Scotch. Proud of what I was creating for myself.’ He laughs and rubs his chin. ‘He was even proud of me for being with you. Called you my “Giant Tiny Warrior”. Big mouth, small frame. Said you were smarter than me, and that he was shook of you, that you were good for me. Said to make sure I don’t make the same mistakes he did; to not let you go, not break your heart.’ His voice cracks and slices into me, just as pieces come together, building a picture I never imagined I would see. ‘And finally,’ Malakai’s eyes blaze with anguished fury, ‘he decides to be dad, be a better husband, be a better man, and then he just fuckingleaves,Scotch. It’s messed up. It’s typical. Cliché. How is that fair? How is it fair that I get him just to lose him again?’

I curve my arm round him and rock him against me, kissing his head, his neck, his back. ‘It’s not.’

My voice is thick, but I try to keep the tears out, because they are his, but I miss Mr Korede too. He and I had built up a rapport in the couple of years before he passed. I went from being the mouthy girl who told him off in his son’s uni room for being a shitty father, to his sparring and debate partner at family gatherings, where he’d be affectionately lamenting, ‘OK, so what is Kikiola going to bully me about today? Why my goal to own a private jet is “problematic”?’

He’d tried. He’d put in the work for redemption. I’d welcomed it if only for Malakai’s sake.

Malakai looks at me, his lip tucked into his teeth as his knees jounce. ‘I uh, started going to that therapist you sent me. Thank you. For ignoring me and not leaving that alone. He’s cool. It’s tough as fuck though . . . he’s so inner.’ He breaks off in a ragged laugh, ‘but I think it’s helping. It’s loosening some stuff for me.’ A jolt of surprise blossoms into a ferocious warmth, ‘I’m glad, Kai. It takes a lot to go there. I’m proud of you.’ His smile is faint, and it disappears as he clears his throat, and rubs his jaw. ‘I uh, wasn’t late to the engagement party because my flight was delayed. I had a panic attack before I left for the airport and missed my flight.’ My heart immediately twists. ‘I think the idea of coming back . . . it put me into the same headspace I was in just before I left. Kiki, I didn’t let you in because I wanted to protect you from this. From me.You were so good to me after my dad died. You deserved more than a mess. I didn’t ever want you to see me like this.’

It’s a relief to know that he was purposely shutting me out, but it’s also infuriating, and I battle with my rage.

‘Malakai, who do you think I am?Lookat me.’ I straighten, and so does he. I grab his chin. ‘I wantedallof your mess. What about me,us, told you that I didn’t want to carry it with you?’ Something hot and molten pumps through me furiously. ‘Malakai, you broke up withme.You remember that? And I know I said some mad things. You did too, but it wasyouthat ended our relationship—’

‘Kiki, you didn’t trust me. We weren’t gonna survive.’

‘And how the hell do you know that?’ My voice cracks. ‘You nevertried,Malakai. You never even looked back. You were waiting for me to give you permission to leave and am I an idiot to try and hold a man who don’t want to stay? And all of this now . . . how am I supposed to believe that you want more when you were able to let go so easily? How do I know this isn’t just nostalgia? Maybe you just want something familiar, because it’s comforting. I just want you to be honest with yourself, Kai. Did you ever really want to be with me for real? Because you said it yourself, you’re notbuiltfor a long-term relationship. So what does that make me, then? A glitch? A blip in your life? A gap-year relationship? And what does that makethishere, this thing between us right now?’ I gesture to the tiny space between us, ‘How can I trust it? Look, if you wanted to stay you could have. Don’t give me bullshit about protecting me. This was about you. Which is fine, but please don’t act like breaking my heart was an act of benevolence. I will never accept that.’

Malakai pauses, eyes glistening before he speaks, voice raspy. ‘Fine, Kiki. And I will never accept that you couldn’t have trusted me more. That you can’ttrust me more. ’

‘So maybe we just leave this where we left it in the first place, then.’

Malakai nods tersely. ‘Right. A mistake.’

Shanti bustles into our section, sunglasses askew, and a random spray of glitter on her right cheek. ‘Yo! Mum and Dad! The crew are waiting by the gates. Villa afterparty neowwwwwwwww!’

Exactly what I need after a meticulous emotional evisceration.

Chapter 18

Dancing in the Moonlight

I’m in a bed that isn’t my own. At 4a.m. in the boys’ villa, in the midst of pizza and a dancehall and bashment session as DJ’d by Shanti, someone (Laide) yelled, ‘Pool party!’ We ended up dripping, laughing, splashing, tossing each other in the water, under the moon, as speakers proclaimed that we were so special, so special, so special. Even Aminah seemed to be brighter, lighter. Her previous doubts–wherever they had come from–had vanished.

‘I’m sorry about this.’ We were floating next to each other in a pool, after a very vigorous race between her and Shanti (I’m pretty sure Shanti had let Aminah win– she used to run in school). ‘I know it was meant to be a girl’s trip—’

Aminah laughed, her ponytail piled on top of her head in a bun. Further proof of her carefree state is further negligence of her silk press. ‘Are you joking? Babes, we’re in the boujiest place with our best friends,’ she said, looking out at the squawking and the splashing of both parties. ‘This is special to me. How often are we all together like this these days? The Blackwell crew, my sister, Kofi’s guys. The love here. . .’ Her eyes were sparkling with joy. ‘This is perfect. The wedding itself is going to be so hectic and I don’t know when the next time is that this can happen. Everything’s changing so fast, you know? It’s good to have moments like this. And also this is a result of your new job! I’m so proud of you, Keeks. You’re progressing, evolving–Shit,Shanti!I’m going to have your ass for that!’ she shouted as our friend splashed us, saying, ‘Oh my God, guys, get a room.’

Aminah floundered after her, while my mind replayed Aminah’s declaration.Evolving.I wondered if there’s any definition of emotional evolution that involves a tense situationship with the man who broke your heart. I don’t think I ever spoke about that on the podcast. The party raged on while Malakai and I raged on inside, remaining on opposite sides of a pool, a room, a conversation until Kofi threw Aminah over his shoulder and announced the end of the gathering. It wasn’t till I’d finished collecting the girls’ discarded bags and shoes from the boys’ villa to take over to our own that I’d realised that I was locked out, and everyone was either knocked out, having sex, or with a dead battery. I called every single one of the girls and pleaded in the group chat, but everyone appeared to be preoccupied and unable to save me from the now custom humiliation of crying in front of my ex. I whispered a string of swearwords that magicked the word ‘Scotch?’ behind me, like some kind of curse.

I was forced to slowly turn round. ‘So it seems–’ I cleared my throat– ‘that my friends have locked me out of the villa because they’re too busy sleeping or having sex, but it’s fine. I think we left a downstairs window open. I can shimmy through. I’ve always wanted to do that. I was a good kid and never got to sneak out of the house, so.’

The corner of Malakai’s mouth twitched slightly at this, which was quite irritating because I was being serious. ‘Nerd. Well, to avoid injury,’ he said, ‘I just wanna put it out there that we have a spare room. One of the guys couldn’t make it in the end.’

‘That’s OK. I’ll, uh, throw rocks at Chioma’s window.’

‘Kiki.’

Why?