Page 78

He drops it before I can really wonder, though.

chapter nineteen

“It’s just like, it’s actually different,” I say from my spot on the floor. “I don’t know if it’s just luck of the draw, but I’ve never been with someone who’s so…sensual? Like she was just kissing up my leg and found this point behind my knee, and I didn’t even know that was an erogenous zone, but Jesus. Just that felt better than how guys used to touch my boobs. It’s just like, I’m lying there like, Holy shit, if she’s doing this to my leg, what the hell can she do to my clit. She made a pass toward doing oral, and I swear I could’ve orgasmed from the thought—”

I look up, make eye contact with Julia. She’s straight-faced, hands folded in her lap, and she’s not writing anything down.

“Oh my god, am I being too graphic?” I ask.

Julia breaks out into a wry smile. “You can process it however you like, including being explicit.”

I blush hard-core. When did my anecdotes in therapy become explicit?

“So overall, you had a positive first ‘girl kiss’?” she continues.

My chest fills with warmth. I almost don’t even need these kids’ toys. I’m just blissed out, even calmer than I was on the Xanax.

Which is something I’m still not sure if I’ll be mentioning.

“Yeah. It was better than I could’ve imagined.”

Julia smiles. “See? It didn’t ruin your entire experience with girls.”

“I don’t know why I didn’t do this earlier. I think she’s liked me for a while.”

“But you might not have been ready before. Even when we want to do things, sometimes it’s better to wait, especially when everything is new, like it is for you. You said you had your first kiss at nineteen, right? Did you have opportunities to do that earlier that you didn’t take?”

I shrug. “I never went to parties or knew how to flirt, so it just never happened.”

I still can’t even do it that well. In fact, Romy’s the only one I can keep up witty banter with.

“Whether it feels deliberate or not, I think you unconsciously knew you weren’t ready and so you weren’t seeking out opportunities. It’s similar with queer experiences. You mentioned that you’d been thinking about kissing non-men for years before you came out. You said that Romy probably would’ve even done it. But you never asked. And you might’ve even been attracted to Romy then like you are to Valeria now.”

I think about Romy, just for a moment. I never vocalized it, but when I saw Valeria’s haircut, the first thing I’d truly thought was that she kinda looked like Romy. And I’d been dying over Valeria’s hair when we first kissed…

My chest tightens. “I don’t like Romy. Not like that.”

Something in Julia’s face twitches. “I’m just using that as an example. I’m saying that I think it’s healthy to take things at your own pace. Societal pressure can be a detriment to everyone’s healthy growth, but it’s especially difficult for queer teens and twentysomethings.”

I go back to playing with the toy blocks. “I think Val and I are gonna have sex, though. Soon. Maybe even after the wrap party on Sunday. I’m ready.”

“So you’ve continued to see her?”

“Yeah. We’ve been hanging out almost every day. I go to her place, we get dinner, watch movies, fool around. I’ve”—I blush—“finally orgasmed with someone. I’ve made her come too.”

And it’s only built on everything I thought this could be. We haven’t even gone down on each other or broken out a strap or used any of the other advanced sex techniques Romy mentioned. Hell, we haven’t even taken each other’s clothes off, and somehow I’ve had more orgasms in a week than I’ve had the entire time I was dating men.

But I’m ready for the next step.

She smiles at me. “I’m glad you’re getting the experience you wanted.”

I smile back. “It’s…it’s really nice. Better than I thought itwould be.”

“So is she your girlfriend?”

A bolt of cold runs through me. “We haven’t talked about it.”

“Does she take you out on dates?”