Page 65

chapter sixteen

By Friday afternoon, I’ve slept for twelve hours total all week and have no clear memory of what happened during the last few days of the shoot. I definitely got to do one more scene as first A.C., I think Valeria promised I’d get credit for that, and I think Brendan said he got my email and that he will have a response for me by the wrap party. But the only clear memories I have are of the hours upon hours I’ve spent trying to confirm that Valeria is out and wants to be with me.

Julia opens the door and invites me in. Her blue eyes travel across the room with me as I drag my feet to my usual spot, the black couch. I grab the bowl of brightly colored connector toys she has out for children. I momentarily consider flopping onto the sofa, but I don’t need her to be concerned. That, and I’ll probably fall asleep and waste the $150 for this session.

“How’re you feeling?” she asks as she settles into her chair.

I start constructing a fancy cube out of the toys. “I’ve been driving Romy so insane that she told me to emergency schedule you, but she said that yesterday, so…”

She frowns. A soft frown. I’ve never really seen her display big negative emotions in here. I can get her to laugh or smile fairly regularly, but she never really expresses sadness or anger. Maybe it’s a therapist thing. “Is something going on with you and Romy?”

“Oh, no, no. I think she was just annoyed I stayed up all night the past few nights combing through Valeria’s and my messages to decide if she likes me.”

Her eyes light up. “Oh, right, your actress friend.” She pauses, shaking her head. “I still can’t wrap my head around how you went from that session where you were crushing on her to this.”

“It’s gotten worse.”

“The crush?”

“She told me she’s gay. Which means there’s a chance she actually wants to sleep with me. But that doesn’t mean she likes me.” I wedge the toy pieces together faster and resist rubbing my arms. “I think I told you about that. I’m trying to catch up on the sex front.”

She’s taking notes. I can’t imagine what she’s got on that pad about me. “Let’s remember coming out doesn’t have a deadline. But okay. Remind me, weren’t you going on dating apps to try out flirtation with women?”

“I did, but they were weird. Valeria and I have an established thing; it’s a lot more comfortable.”

She nods. “Okay. So you’re romantically pursuing Valeria, and it’s stressed you out to the point of losing sleep and irking your friend. Why are you so interested in knowing if she likes you right now?”

I take a deep breath. “Because I asked her on a date and then invited my friends, so I guess it’s not a date anymore, but…I don’t know, I just got so nervous and it seemed like they’d make it better, but now I want to kiss her, which is why I’m poring over these texts, but then why’d I invite Romy and Wyatt too?”

“Oh, wow. So she said yes to a date?”

“A kind-of date.”

“So it sounds like you have two concerns with this. One: ‘Does Valeria like me romantically?’ Two: ‘Is the environment I created even ideal for the romance to happen?’ ”

“Yeah.”

“I’m curious about what compelled you to create this safety blanket with Romy and Wyatt. If you want to date Valeria, what about her intimidated you away from asking her on a traditional date? Is it that she’s famous and seems unattainable?”

Faster with the toys. “No. I’ve done one-on-one stuff with her before. I don’t know what’s different about this.” I set the toys on the free space on the couch.

“Keep trying to articulate it. We have time.”

“I don’t know. I mean, I pretty much am. It’s just—I try to think out scenarios where this happens, and what if I lean in to kiss her and she doesn’t like me back?”

“And what would be so catastrophic about that?”

I return to my toys. “I just…This is all so new, and I don’t feel ready for that kind of rejection.”

There’s a long pause. “I’m struck by what you’re saying about not feeling ready. I was going to bring that up. It seems very telling that you’d invite Romy and Wyatt on a date with you. Are you sure you really want to go on this date? Does it feel like you’re not ready for that? Perhaps the reason you were at ease before with Valeria is that you didn’t have any romantic intentions. Has Valeria given you any unquestionable indication she’s interested besides saying yes to the date?”

I think back to Sunken City. “Well, when we were doing a photo shoot alone, she almost kissed me.”

Julia’s eyes widen for just a moment. “So this isn’t actually that unclear to you. The real issue is whether you feel ready to put that romantic interest between the two of you to the test. When is the date?”

“Tomorrow.”

“Okay. So I think I get it. This is huge for you. You could get your first kiss with a non-man tomorrow. For argument’s sake, let’s ignore the extra baggage with the fame. This is your first date with an older woman whose intelligence and artistic talent you really admire. She likely has more experience than you. It’s a huge leap. I’m so excited for you to explore, but do you think this is the pace you want?”