Page 20

And it’s not like Wyatt doesn’t try throughout the day. I store up six texts and three emails—variations on are you okay? and what did I do wrong?—throughout our shift. The answer is so obvious, I could type it up in a split-second email, but it’s like my fingertips have lost the muscle memory to spell it out. A defense mechanism, maybe? Because it feels obvious to me.

But I know I’m not straight now. For one of the first times since coming out, I feel that in my bones. Wyatt can like girls all he wants, but he’ll never know what goes into liking girls as a girl. We can never again relate to the same banal privilege of being straight white Jews. Understanding that new barrier between usmakes my chest tighten.

Today there has been an irreversible change in this environment.

Alice is making sure that’s drilled into my brain; she made me order rainbow pride decals for her office door. She is genuinely being nicer to me because she found out I’m gay, but I don’t think she even knows what pansexual is. I always knew Alice was scheming and that she used every tool in her arsenal to advance her career and reputation. I knew Alice saw diversity in the industry as a trend to capitalize on. But this change is making my skin crawl. It’s like I’ve stopped being human for her.

Needless to say, when I walk to the parking lot that evening, I’m not happy.

“Luna!” Wyatt says, his clobbering footsteps sounding behind me. “Wait up!”

I slow down—a little bit. “What?”

He reaches my stride. “Please, will you talk to me? Are you mad at me? I got you the interview! This is going amazingly.”

Heat simmers my insides, from my face to my stomach. “You outed me.”

“I what?”

Now I stop. Turn to look him in the eye. “You outed me. I hadn’t come out to anyone in the office. You don’t get to do it for me!”

Wyatt frowns, darting his gaze around the parking lot. Like he’s not sure how he got here. “But you—when you told us—”

“No one but you and Romy and my therapist knew before this. That hasn’t just changed.”

“But I thought you tell everyone at once. You haven’t told your parents?”

A lump forms in my throat. “It’s not that simple. No, I haven’t. But we’re talking about you. You have to ask me about that, even if it was for my benefit.”

Wyatt digs his hands into his pants pockets. “But you would’ve had to tell Valeria sooner or later. How would you ever get with her if she doesn’t know you’re into girls?”

“It didn’t need to be right then. It didn’t need to be so loud that Alice heard!”

“And again! Look, Luna, I’m sorry I outed you, but this is good. Alice is treating you better! Valeria knows you’re gay and wants to interview you. Could you just chill for a minute? It’s not the end of the world.”

It’s like talking to a wall or an unfortunate YouTube comment section. One of my best friends, my only ex-boyfriend, and what the hell is he saying? “It’s not the end of the world”? Fuck that. I don’t need this right now.

But he’s also my only connection to Valeria right now. And my friend, I think as my anger dissolves from a solid heat to a gelatinous uncertainty.

“I have to go,” I say. “Long commute, y’know. Thanks for setting up the interview.”

The minute I’m in the car, tears burning in my eyes, I get a text from my mom just saying to call her later to chat. Is it weird that I haven’t come out to my parents? Julia said it wasn’t, but Julia’s also trying to prevent me from having a mental breakdown twice a week. What if what Wyatt’s saying is right—

No. I squeeze the steering wheel. I’m not having a crisis about my decisions surrounding coming out. I know exactly why I haven’t told them yet. Why I will continue to not tell them.

It’s not like they’re blatantly homophobic. It’s not like they have an actual problem with queer people. They just don’t get it. They literally don’t understand what bisexual is. They don’t understand why queer rep is important. They occasionally make comments about how hard it must be to be in a gay relationship. At one point my mom said I was “lucky” to be straight, that my life would be easier for it.

They are just part of a generation where queerness couldn’t be open, where it was seen as a deviation from the norm and not ideal. When they grew up, it was something that existed in pockets, nothing they’d go out of their way to prevent but something they were comfortable not having to deal with. They’ve always just lived their lives a certain way. Until a roadblock comes up that makes them challenge their views, they simply won’t challenge them. I don’t doubt that Mom and Dad have the capacity to change and become more aware people; they just don’t seek out personal evolution.

The problem with that is the roadblock here, the teacher for them, is a person. Is me. And I don’t want to be a lesson for them. I just want them to have already had the epiphany, because that’s what you have to do to be a compassionate person in this world.

But those aren’t the parents I was blessed with. So they’re not being blessed with being among the first five people I come out to. Maybe not even the first ten. Maybe not the first fifty.

Although now Valeria is among my first five.

It wasn’t my choice, but I’m going to make it worthwhile.

chapter six