Page 84

I reached for her hand, folding her small fingers into mine and then setting them onto my stomach so she could feel the hard ridges where feet sometimes pressed against it.
“Sometimes you will. Everyone messes up sometimes. But sometimes you’ll be really nervous and then surprise yourself by being amazing. Like tonight.”
Corinne looked at my stomach with her mouth open, then looked up at me uncertainly. “What if I mostly mess up?”
I shook my head. “Oh, you won’t. Because you’re kind and brave, and you care about the people you love. That’s what makes someone a good big sister. And you already have all of that.”
She sniffled, considering my words. “You really think so?”
“I do. And you know what? We could decorate the baby’s room together and pick out clothes, and maybe you could even help pick out a name.”
Corinne sat up a little straighter, brushing her curls out of her face. She looked a little softer, a little more curious. “Could his name be Benny if he’s a boy?”
I smiled at her and said, “Sure, Benny’s a good name.”
She giggled softly, wiping at her cheeks with the back of her hand. “Okay,” she said, sounding a little steadier now. “What kind of stuff does a baby need?”
For the next half hour, we stayed sprawled out on the classroom floor, in the middle of the carpet that she sat on every day, and we talked about what colors the baby’s room could be and what the baby would need. How the baby could have walls with polka dots or a zoo mural, and the baby could have a wall of shelving with stuffed animals, and she could even share the stuffed animals if she wanted.
Her enthusiasm was contagious, and it was hard to imagine that just two months ago, I’d been terrified for this baby, thinking that it would ruin everything for Robert.
For a little while, I forgot all about my nerves and fears. She was a bright light, and I could see so much of Robert in her—the fierce determination, the gentleness behind her eyes.
Just as we were finishing up, I heard the sound of the door opening. My stomach flipped, and Corinne sprang up from our spot on the floor.
“Daddy!” She hugged him around the middle, and he gave me a tense look over her head. He closed his eyes and melted into her hug while she told him all about her ideas for the baby’s room.
I could see the way he set aside whatever had happened with Jeremy so that she could have her moment. He took her handand mine, and we walked out of the room, and I had this feeling that filled me like sunlight.
Maybe this was what family felt like. Helping each other. Emboldened by the thought, I glanced at Robert and asked, “Hey, I think I could use your help after all. With my hours. If you’re still offering, that is.”
He looked surprised, but a smile spread across his face. “Of course I’m still offering. I’m always still offering.”
“Thank you. But let’s talk about it later. Tonight is about Corinne and getting her the most delicious dessert a big sister could have.”
Corinne beamed up at me, and I beamed back. Nothing I was dealing with felt as big with these two by my side.
forty
Robert
It took about two weeks for Alan, one of my lawyers, to have any time to properly talk to me about Delia’s predicament, but when he finally did, I wasn’t happy with what he had to say.
I sat on the edge of my desk, the phone pressed to my ear, staring out at nothing. The skyline of Seattle stretched beyond the floor-to-ceiling window, snow clouds looming over the city like a warning.
Alan had been droning on in my ear, reciting legalese and processes I hadn’t had the patience for at the time. What I needed were straight answers from him.
“Robert, I’ll need to pull all the files. That’ll take time,” Alan had said calmly. Too calmly.
“Time?” I snapped, rubbing my temples. “She doesn’t have time, Alan. This is her career. Her future.”
“I understand, but—"
“If you understood, you’d have been prioritizing your paycheck,” I barked, gripping the phone tighter, feeling the tension in my forearm. “I needed you to make it happen, and I don’t have time for you to fuck around, driving up your hourly, Alan!”
There had been a pause. Alan had sighed and said, “Look, Rob. I didn’t want to say this until I knew for sure, but there’s no way this is a fluke.”
My heart had stilled. My breathing had turned ragged, and I had trouble slowing down the world so that I could think straight. “What do you mean?” I had asked.