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“I am,” I repeated firmly, clasping my hands in front of me and falling forward with them over my head. Hanging upside down was good for the vestibular system. I needed that right now. I could feel the blood in my body everywhere but in my brain where I needed it. It was knocking me off balance.
My vision started to go hazy again, and I stretched my sides again.
Delia moved from the wall and walked over to me. She looked at me gently and asked, “May I?” as she put her palm flat against my chest. “Close your eyes.”
I glared at her for a second before doing as she said, but I felt nothing except the buzzing beneath my skin. She continued, “Imagine that the anxiety you feel is a ball of light in your chest.”
“This is stupid,” I told her, opening my eyes.
She was standing in front of me, so close that I could smell the hints of vanilla in her perfume.
“Just try,” she whispered, looking up at me from under long and curled eyelashes. “Please?”
We maintained eye contact for a moment before I closed my eyes again, and she said, “Okay, imagine that anxiety and panic you feel as a ball of light in your chest. That’s where you feel your anxiety, right? In your chest?”
I nodded, keeping my eyes closed.
“Okay. Do you see the light?” I nodded again.
“Good, now I want you to breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth, and when you do, on the out breath, the light travels, and on the in breath, the light stays still.”
I peeked at her through one eye and asked, “Do you hear yourself?”
“Hey, I’m not the one who goes through an army role-play every time a car backfires,” she said playfully, raising a blonde eyebrow.
“Navy,” I corrected her.
“What?”
“I wasn’t in the Army. I was in the Navy.”
She rolled her eyes and physically used one of her hands to shut my eyelids.
“There we go, perfect. Now, are you ready? Okay, I want you to breathe in through your nose, and can you feel that light getting bigger? Like a flame? Now, in a moment, you’re going to breathe out through your mouth. Make that breath last as long as possible. Ready, and go.”
I breathed out through my mouth, a slow trickle, and Delia said, “Good, the light should be moving. It’s a ball, but it’s flattening,like a ball of dough. Some parts of the light are moving into your arms, and some are going down to your stomach. Do you feel it?”
I did. It was stupid, but I felt it. The panic was subsiding as I felt it move into the rest of my body in a more manageable way.
I nodded, and Delia’s hand started to move away from my chest as she said, “Do you feel better?”
With my eyes still closed, I took her wrist and clamped it where it was, murmuring, “Wait. Please, just a little longer.”
“Okay, let’s do it once more. Remember, the ball is already flat like dough. Hold onto where that light is. Now breathe in through your nose, and you should see that light flickering with the energy you’re giving it. And now breathe out…and it should travel, maybe it travels down to your legs, or maybe to your hands. Wherever it goes, it’s okay if it moves. It lives inside you. It’s always there.”
“Should I let it out?” I asked breathlessly.
“No, no, there’s no reason,” she whispered.
Her voice was gentle and comforting. It reminded me of the way someone might read a children’s book to a child who was falling asleep.
“It’s okay for it to be there. It just got tangled up, is all. You need it to live all throughout. It’s too much when it’s in one spot.”
“Okay,” I whispered back, enjoying the sensation as I pictured the light traveling to my toes and settling.
“How long has this been happening?” Delia asked, her hand still flat against my chest. “The panic attacks?”
“For ten years,” I told her, enjoying the sensation of her touch a little too much.