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He smiled and walked over, flipping the kettle’s switch on like he’d read my mind. It glowed with the blue LED light at the bottom. “I know. Except when you forget I’m standing just outside an actor’s trailer, and even with my shit hearing”—he tapped his hearing aids, which became necessary after combat—“I can still hear noises like those.”
I flushed down past where I could feel it, and my cheeks began to tingle. “How many people know?”
“Two, and I’m sure that pretty little PA isn’t going to say a word if he wants to keep his job.”
Pretty little PA? I was filing that away for later. I rolled to the table and grabbed another pastry. I didn’t even look. I just shoveled it in my mouth and started chewing. It wasn’t helping the way it normally did.
This was becoming a goddamn problem.
Thinking aboutAlericwas becoming a goddamn problem.
“We can talk, you know.” He pulled out one of the chef’s stools and sat, kicking his feet along the sides. “I’m not going to judge you. He’s good-looking.”
“Yes.” That wasn’t up for debate. He’d been a tween dream and a teenage heartthrob, and he was going to become everyone’s favorite love interest once people realized that he wasn’t some has-been. He was raw, but he was talented. Watching him all day had killed me because it was like watching someone be better at my own life than I was.
It had taken hours for me to find one thing to pick at, and I’d only done that to get on his nerves because, goddamn it, I needed him to be worse at living than I was.
“What’s that face?”
Before I could answer, the kettle clicked off, and Cillian hopped up, rummaging around until he found the clay jar full of rooibos tea that the staff kept on hand, which was all I could drink. I indulged in caffeine during the day, but any more than that, and my heart went off the rails.
“Milk and sugar?”
“See if there’s any of that white chocolate creamer in the fridge. And don’t give me that bitch face. Save your Irish tea sensibilities for someone who isn’t trying to soothe their frayed nerves with sugar.”
“We listen and we don’t judge,” he recited.
“And stop letting your nieces ruin you with social media,” I snapped.
He burst into laughter as he fixed my cup. “So…we’re not going to mention howyouknow the trend?” Walking over, he gestured me closer to the table and set the mug on the edge where I could reach it and more pastries. I didn’t bother though.I wasn’t hungry, and it wasn’t helping. “Seriously, Cam. Are you angry at me for interrupting you and him?”
“I’m angry at myself for letting it get that far.” And I was angry at him—at Aleric—for being everything I’d ever wanted in a man because he was the one person I couldn’t have.
“He wasn’t…unkind, was he?” Cillian’s voice was low and full of warning. He’d been around for him—the man who had nearly destroyed me—but he hadn’t seen what happened, and I still refused to talk about it.
I knew it was one of his big regrets.
“No. He was the furthest thing from unkind.”
“Has he texted?”
I covered my eyes with one hand and sipped my tea with the other. It was too hot and not strong enough, but what the fuck did I really care this late in the night.
“Ah. Soyouwere the asshole.”
I set the mug down so hard it sloshed over the rim and burnt my hand. Pain where I could feel it tended to be worse than it was before the accident. And after kissing Aleric, all my nerves felt like they’d been flayed alive.
“I think I hate myself. I swear I’m going to spend every moment until I die sabotaging my chances at being happy.”
“You could always say sorry. I’ve found that works pretty well when you fuck up.”
I gave him a flat look. “This isn’t about me being sorry. This is about me wanting to fuck a man I have no business fucking.”
“Because?”
“He’s an actor? He’s literally in the media all the time? He’s a?—”
“Commoner?”