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He cleared his throat, and something about his silence spoke novels. “I, uh. Never mind.” There was a story there, but I wasn’t going to ask him to tell it to me. “I don’t know what the intimacy coordinator is going to be like on set, but I want to make sure I can be myself.”
“You’re supposed to bemyself,” I reminded him.
He rolled his eyes. “You know what I mean.”
“Actually, I don’t. I’m not an actor. I’ve never even tried to be one.”
Blowing out a puff of air, he tilted his gaze up toward the sky in thought. His slightly prominent front teeth sank into hisbottom lip, and for a very brief, very wild moment, I wanted to pull his lip away from that bite and soothe it with my tongue.
Fuck. No. No, no, absolutely not. I was just horny, and like Erik said, I needed to get laid ASAP. I needed to call Roget, like, yesterday.
“I just mean, I want it to look natural, and if I know how it works for you, then I won’t have to use as much direction.”
That made sense…sort of. But it was hard to explain. “It’s emotional for me now. The brain is clever. It rewires a lot when you lose sensation, but I think it’s still the same concept.”
He frowned. “How?”
“I mean, if I were to reach over right now and grab your dick, you wouldn’t get turned on, right? It would just feel like a random person rubbing your crotch.”
His eyes went a little hazy and distant. He didn’t answer me. The silence stretched on and on, and I was starting to worry.
“Aleric?”
He blinked. He still wasn’t entirely with it.
“You good, dude? Or are you overwhelmed with too much information? I mean, I figured you weren’t a virgin, but you can tell me where I lost you.”
He bristled. “I’m not stupid, you know. I—I know what I’m doing. Just because I’m not as experienced as people think I am doesn’t mean I don’t get it.” His tone was sharp and angry, and it immediately crawled under my skin.
How dare he speak to me like that?
“You’re so damnsensitive.” Fuck. Why did I say that? Why did he crawl under my skin like this? “Nobody likes a prude.”
His eyes went wide, and he stiffened like I’d slapped him. “I should go. Thanks for your help.”
He stood up and walked off without looking back, and I settled deeper into my chair. Christ, I’d fucked up badly. Ishould have read his tone. I knew it too well—the feeling when someone’s getting too close to tender scars.
But instead of backing off the way I wanted people to do with me, instead, I dug in with sharp nails and made sure it hurt. I wasn’t sure of many things, but one thing was always for certain: I was amazing at sabotage. It was why I would never marry. It was why no relationship had ever lasted more than a few months after…well. After the first disaster.
I knew I should call him back. Or at least text to apologize. Instead, I waited until I was sure I wouldn’t meet him on the path, then gripped my wheels and headed back to my car.
Alone.
The way I always would be.
Seven
ALERIC
“It’s hard being totally friendless.”
“I know it is.” Callie’s voice was always soothing, and though I preferred being face-to-face with her, that wasn’t going to happen for the next little while. Filming was beginning, and I was going to eat, sleep, and breathe set and script for the next six weeks before our first break. It meant everything got put on hold, and therapy became a phone call or, if I was very lucky, a quick video chat.
“And I know what you’re going to say,” I told her as I rocked back in my chair. I was in my trailer with my feet up on the little table they’d provided. It was not as posh as the ones I’d had when I was younger, but I was a star back then. Right now, I was a liability, and no one trusted which way the tides would turn on that, no matter what I said.
“What am I going to say?”
“That it’s my fault I’m friendless.”