Page 59 of Riding the Sugar High

“He might act like he cares about you, but trust me, he doesn’t, Derek insists. “And he’ll be grossed out too when he eventually agrees to throw you one.”

Without another word, I turn around and open the door, his words reaching me once more.

“But only an idiot would fall for the same scheme twice, right?”

* * *

Tears run down my cheeks faster than I can stop them, my mouth twisting as I sob harder and harder. It’s like all the tension and doubt of the last few days have shifted to pain, and now that I’ve opened the faucet, it’s impossible to stop the flow.

I hate it. I’ve always hated being a crier, but it keeps being my go-to response to any strong emotions. I cry when I’m happy, sad, angry, frustrated. I cry when I see something cute, when I’m on my period, when I’m in pain. It’s inconvenient, especially when I need to pretend I don’t care, and it makes me look weak.

“Strong girls cry when they’re angry,” I mumble to myself for the millionth time.

It’s fine. Nothing of what Derek said is new, since he didnottry to hide his contempt for me when we slept together. I’m perfectly aware that’s the reason he decided to end our relationship. The way my naked body looks.

I’ve tried not to let it matter. I told myself I can’t expect to be everyone’s cup of tea, and I consoled myself with hopeful lies like ‘someone, one day, will care about what’s on the inside.’ But the truth is that I want someone to desire me. To crave me. And I’m terrified no one ever will.

Sitting on the couch, I cry into a tissue until it turns black with mascara, and my nose feels stuffy and uncomfortable. Then I cry some more.

When something cold and moist taps on my leg, I flinch and see the piglet looking up at me.

It touched me.

I look down to confirm there’s no bite, though I guess I would have felt it, as I quickly pull my leg away, but it just stays there, small black eyes staring at me.

Small, black, soft eyes.

“Do you want cuddles?” I ask, my voice hoarse. I’ve seen Logan pet the piglets several times, either behind their ears or on their backs and bellies. “I’m sorry, I’m not sure I...” It keeps staring at me, so I cautiously approach it with my hand.

Its tiny snout wiggles, and once my fingers are close enough, the piglet sniffs it tentatively. I hold back a whimper when its velvety snout nuzzles my hand, and feeling the softness of its fur, a gentle warmth spreads through my chest. Its oinks become smoother, more content, and slowly, I lower myself to the ground. With an endearing waddle, the piglet approaches me, and I find myself smiling down at it as it twists and turns to get me to pet its whole back.

Noticing a small brown spot on its ear, I lightly gasp. I’m pretty sure she’s the girl. Now I’ll be able to tell them apart.

The low rumbling of an engine startles me, and with a squelch, the pig rushes into the corridor. I follow it, then run to close the bedroom door behind me as I wipe my tears with the back of my hands. Logan is home early—today of all days.

I pace, holding my breath until I hear the front door open and close. There are steps, but I can’t make out much else. That is, until I lean with my ear against the door, and a knock almost deafens me. I bolt back and let out a shaky breath. “Yeah?”

God, my voice sounds all nasal.

“All good?”

“Y-yeah, I’m fine.”

I wait to hear him retreat, but nothing comes.

“What’s wrong with your voice? Did something happen?”

“No, I—” Come on, Prim. Reasonable excuse. “I just got out of the shower.”

“Really? Did you need to wash off after falling into a puddle of lies?”

Eyes rolling, I look at the ceiling.

“I don’t want to talk about it, Logan. I’m fine,” I say, though my voice breaks on the last word.

“You don’t sound fine.”

I’m not. Oh, and something else? Not wanting to talk about it is a lie too. I’d love to dump all my issues on him. To cry and whine about how the world is unfair, and men are the worst, and to have him soothe me and tell me that things are going to be okay. That what anyone else says doesn’t matter if I love myself, especially not when Derek is the one to say it.