Page 136 of Riding the Sugar High

He brings a hand to his face, rubbing his beard as his eyes bounce left and right over the floor, and tears sting at the back of my eyes, but for once, I refuse to cry. I know what it’ll do to him if I start sobbing, and the last thing I want is to hurt him. Actually, the last thing I want is to lose him, but I’m afraid that ship has sailed.

“I’mreallysorry,” I insist. “I hope you know?—”

“I know.” His lips lift in a bitter smile. “And you’re right. I do have a lot to work through. I understand that you didn’t sign up for any of it.”

“But maybe at some point...” God, I don’t want this to be the last time I see him. What I want is to go back to the farm. Sleep against his chest. Wake up with his beard scratching my skin as he kisses me.

“Yeah. Maybe.” He takes a step back, and it feels like my heart rips with the new inches between us. Then he takes one forward, and his arms spread. “Should we...uh...”

With a nod, I hide my face in his shirt and wrap my arms around him. His smell is comforting like it’s always been, but I wonder if it will remind me of pain and heartbreak from now on.

“I’ll work on it, okay?” he whispers into my hair. “On being a better man for you. And then I’ll call you, and if you still want to see me, I’ll come to you, wherever you are.”

Don’t cry. Please, don’t cry until you’re alone in your room.

“Thank you,” he says as his hold tightens. “For everything.” He breathes hard against my hair, then lets me go, and it feels against any logic to untangle my arms from behind him, but I do.

He needs to talk to Josie and make sure he has no feelings for her. He needs to process his emotions, as unpleasant as they may be, before I can trust him with myself. After being hidden by men, lied to, and used, I can’t live my life thinking I’m his second choice.

Even though he’s never made me feel like one.

“Bye,” he says, and this time, he looks into my eyes for the briefest of moments. But it’s enough for me to see the light in them dim.

For me to see him hate himself just a little bit more.

* * *

I settle on the chair and wait for my laptop to turn on. The hotel room is small, but still better than a porch for a meeting with Chloe. Of course, I’d rather be on that porch, smoking weed with Logan. In his kitchen, making candy, or in his bed, tracing the shape of his muscles with my fingers.

God, I miss Lola and Paco so much.

I open the video conference room and watch myself in the left corner. My skin is almost gray, the purple and blue hues under my eyes testifying to hours of crying. No amount of makeup could have covered this, and anyway, I left most of it at Logan’s. At least Kyle promised to swing by and bring me my stuff later today.

Did Josie talk to Logan already? Are they back together, or did he reject her? Maybe I could ask Kyle.

“Hello?” Chloe’s face fills the screen, and with a happy wave, she says, “Hi, Primrose! How are you?”

“I’m good, Chloe, thank you. How are you?”

She’s joined by Jessica, whom I recognize as part of their HR department from previous interactions. “We’re having a sunny day in Mayfield, so we can’t complain.” Jessica sits, and pulling her dark hair into a ponytail, she juts her chin forward. “When will you be back?”

“In four days,” I say with a forced smile.

“Okay, Primrose, let me tell you,” She chuckles on my laptop screen. “This recipe is incredible. We asked one of our cooks to make it for us, and”—she bumps Jessica’s shoulder—“Tell her what I said.”

Jessica’s eyes widen. “‘No way is this vegan.’”

My smile wavers, but I slide it back on. “I’m so glad you like it.”

“It’s brilliant.”

Chloe nods. “This isn’t candy—it’s art.”

“Look—” Jessica holds a hand up, her eyes narrowing—“we’ve seen some crazy flavor combinations on your page, so when you saidstrawberry?”

“Yeah, we were skeptical at best.”

“Believe it or not,” Jessica says as she smacks a hand against the white table. “This is my new all-time favorite.”