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“We’ll get her back, Tovi. Then you can apologize and tell her you love her. Or I will punch you in the tit like I wanted to the other week.”

“You wanted to punch me in the tit?” she asks incredulously, a smile tugging at the corner of one lip.

I wave my hand at her, scrunching up my nose. “Yes. For that whole betrayal thing.”

“That’s it?” she laughs. “That’s all you wanted to do?”

I shrug. She’s got big tits, so it would definitely hurt. “It might be an idea to stop sleeping with her brother, though,” I say as nonchalantly as I can, ignoring the jealousy that roars in my ears with my rage.

“I haven’t slept with that wanker in revs. Too cold and broody,” she laughs.

“What about while we were traveling? You guys snuck off together…”

Tovi makes a loud “ha” sound and goes to say something, but then her face crumbles. “We weren’t going off to fuck if that’s what you’re suggesting. But we were trying to get away from the rest of you for some peace. He’s my best friend, and…it’s nice to be alone together, just existing. But I was using that time to convince him you were not to be trusted.” She winces, and we fall into silence again.

We tidy up our dinner plates, which are almost licked clean. Even though it was cold, royal meals are always delicious. Tonight’s fare was roasted quail stuffed with lemon and tarragon brown rice, a side of honeyed carrots, and wilted greens with butter. Two small, sweet custard tarts sit uneaten, as neither of us wanted dessert.

When someone knocks on our doors, we assume it’s a servant to collect our dinner plates. But the man says Prince Eryn has requested my company again tonight, and I am to be ready within the hour.

I’m dizzy. It’s not only rage in my chest, or at least not as it usually is. I don’t know what this feeling is, but it’s telling me I cannot do this.

“Tovi, I can’t,” I plead. “I can’t tonight. I can’t go. Just in case…”

“Just in case what?” she demands with narrowed eyes, knowing I’m keeping something from her.

“I promise I’ll tell you. But I can’t yet. None of it makes sense.” I’m getting jittery, my voice is rising. “There’s literally nothing wrong!” I yell at myself more than Tovi.

She gives me an unconvinced look and tells me to go to bed. We will say that I’m unwell and that Tovi will happily attend to the prince’s needs instead.

After she leaves, I try to imagine all the possible scenarios of what will happen when she reaches Eryn’s room while I lie here faking illness. Is Riley there, and now he knows I’m avoiding him like a coward? Has Tovi figured out what’s going on? Has Eryn figured it out? Or is there actually something wrong, and I’m so selfishly stuck in whatever this is that I am risking everything because I’m…sad? Angry? Nothing? All I feel is rage.

Who is this person? I don’t recognize myself. Before I left Osraed, I knew who I was. Someone who can kill and not think anything of it. A nanny who cares for children and embraces them freely, sharing the joy that I keep from everyone else. I could, and would, beat the shit out of anyone for any and all reasons. I didn’t cry. I was only my rage. And I was happy with my solitary life.

Happy.

Was that happiness?

CHAPTER FORTY-ONE

I’m staring at the ceiling in bed while listening to what I can only assume is another windstorm raging outside, as it matches the torrent inside me as I wait for Tovi. When I hear the procession of guards escorting her back, I jump up and peek out of the bedroom door.

Tovi swans in dramatically as the doors close behind her. I tentatively start walking toward her, trying to guess what’s happened based on what I can glean from her body language.

“What’s hap?—”

“What is going on with you?” Tovi demands, whirling to face me with her cold, hard stare.

“Wh—"

“Don’t give me the bullshit version, tell me what the fuck is going on.”

I close my mouth and raise my brows at her.

“I’ll kill him,” she spits.

I’m lost. This didn’t start the way I thought it would. "Kill who?” I ask with trepidation, unsure of what’s been said and by who.

Exasperated, Tovi asks, “What did Riley do?”