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Sweet Girl doesn’t visit me tonight, and I miss her. My rage sluggishly uncoils from its sleepy position in my belly, a gentle flutter in my chest. It’s only the fact that I can’t see any of the horses that I don’t let it consume me. They had intended to sell her before getting the cart. Surely, they wouldn’t put her down—they’d at least sell her. But I wish I could confirm that she’s okay with my own eyes.

Kino fills the metal cup that I had tea in last night with water. Someone else takes me to the small cave entrance to the right, confirming that it’s the privy. It is the most revolting one I’ve ever been into; I would have preferred going next to my tree. I swear I’m dirtier coming out than when I went in.

Tied back to my tree, I slump to the ground and sit. The earth is cool as I dig my toes down into it, a sandy type of soil squishing between them. Something sharp catches my toes and I pull my foot back with a wince. I dig around to find the sharp object and discover what looks to be a piece of broken ceramic. It’s pointed but not overly sharp, having been out here for a while. But it could be sharp again.

Finding a flat stone, I move to sit beside the tree. I gently scrape the small piece of ceramic, the size of a gold coin, along the stone, sharpening an edge. I haven’t decided if I’m using this to kill someone or cut my binds. Hopefully both.

Arpi comes to retrieve me not long after I’m satisfied the piece of ceramic is sharp, already testing it against a small bit of the rope. Without a word, he undoes my leash, leaving me only bound at the wrists. I’m holding the piece of ceramic as inconspicuously as I can as he tugs me toward the cave entrance. Inside is a winding tunnel with small cave alcoves dotted along it, eventually opening into a larger cave at the end, shaped like a peanut. To our left is a low table with cushions strewn about, and to the right is a dirty mattress with pillows and a blanket. A bed.

Arpi takes me over to the bed, and the fluttering that began in my chest at the entrance of the cave turns into a roar. Near the ground on the cave wall is a metal bracket, and my wrists are bound to it. No one else is here but him and me. I can’t reach him with my hands bound to the ground like this.

“Since you won’t be with us much longer, I thought we could get to know each other a little better.” His voice sends shivers down my spine. He reaches out to trail a finger down my calf where my pants have gotten caught up and exposed the skin.

I kick at his hand and snarl. “Don’t touch me, you disgusting fuck!”

He lunges forward with a growl, grabbing the hem of my pants and yanks them off roughly, scraping my skin with the awkward way he pulls at them. He is panting, looking at me with undisguised hatred in his eyes as he clutches my pants, when Kino comes in.

“Uh, sorry, sir. The men are outside, ready for you.” His eyes dart to the pants in Arpi’s hands and then to me briefly, looking straight back up to Arpi.

They both leave, and Arpi takes my pants with him.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

As soon as they leave, I maneuver my piece of ceramic into position and begin working on my bindings. While I only sharpened one side of it for this purpose, the other edges are cutting at my fingers with the pressure and movement. Not wanting my blood to give me away, I growl in frustration as I try to be more careful. I get through one piece of the rope, but the way I’m bound, I’ll need to cut through two more to be free. I’m working through the second piece when I hear someone coming. I shove the piece of ceramic between the folds of the rope and relax against the wall.

Arpi stomps in, making a beeline for me. He grabs my ankles—though I try to kick him away—roughly pulling me down and flipping me onto my stomach. His knife scrapes along my hip in warning. I have to stop fighting. My bindings are not near enough to breaking, and my tiny makeshift blade is no match for Arpi’s knife. I have to stop fighting.

Once. I can survive once. I let Pasha violate me weekly for moons before I killed him.

Let. As though I had a choice. There was no choice until I killed him. That was my choice.

Next time, I will kill Arpi before he has the chance. Next time.

My underwear is ripped to the side as he spreads my legs and kneels behind me. I look at my bound hands once more, struggling to breathe, and close my eyes. It’s like when I kill. Disconnect from reality, pretend it’s not me. Except this time, the one dying is me.

Pressure nudges at the entrance between my legs, his fingers or dick, I’m not sure. It’s as dry as the rest of me down there. I hear him spit and try to use it as lubricant. This is it. I don’t need to be here for this part. My rage buzzes loudly through my veins, trying to drown out all sense so I can’t hear him. Can’t feel him.

The sounds of clamoring and screaming override my buzzing disconnection, and I can only assume Arpi hears it as well because he’s fumbling as he stands, pulling up his pants. With a frustrated growl, he grumbles about not being able to shove his—half limp—"dick, inside this dry as dust cunt”. Moments later, he’s readied his sword.

The entrance to the cave darkens as an enormous figure fills it, and my rage wars with uncertainty at the intense size of him. Until I realize it’s not one of the Erdu men here for Arpi. He’s here for me.

Beans.

I roll over to my side and catch Beans’ eyes. He roars so loudly that dust shakes loose from the cave wall, and Arpi runs at him, the clash of their swords almost deafening.I hastily roll back onto my stomach and work the piece of broken ceramic over the last of my bindings, not caring about my fingers bleeding this time.

The rope falls from my wrists as I hear someone being disarmed. I’m relieved to see it’s Arpi and not Beans. Arpi pulls a knife from his belt to rearm himself, as I’m running toward him. My rage is an enormous beast battling in my chest, and I let it free.

Beans sends Arpi’s knife flying across the cave to my left as someone else comes crashing into the cave behind him. It’s one of Arpi’s men with an axe. With not even a second to take in the scene in front of him, the man—who I now recognize is Kino—swings the axe at the side of Beans’ head.

The sound of the weapon connecting with its target is horrifying.

As though time slows, I watch blood splatter into the air and Beans tip to his left. Kino, obviously surprised, releases his axe and it flies across the cave in the direction Beans is falling. I can’t be sure if I scream.

I drop to one knee, sliding myself across the cave floor toward the carnage. Arpi, standing dumbstruck and unmoving, has a small blade handle poking out of his boot. Still sliding on my knee, I grab the blade and take less than a beat to understand the size and weight before lobbing it into my other hand.

Pressing down, I use my foot to push myself up, stopping the slide and turning it into a forward lunge. I pass Arpi and aim myself at Kino. I bring the blade up with focused speed, directly under his jaw to lodge it into his throat, all before Beans even hits the ground.

Not waiting to confirm the blade killed Kino, and knowing it would be too slippery to pull back out, I use his body as a springboard and twist around to face Arpi.