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He hates me, and I hate him, I try to convince myself.

I can’t…breathe.

He hates me, he has to.

I hate him.

He’s a liar.

I’m a toy, something to take, something to play with.

He wants to use me.

I don’t deserve more than that. And certainly not someone like Riley.

He deserves better than a monster like me.

I hug my knees, resting the side of my head on them, and attempt to distract myself by asking Tovi a question I've been trying to ask the last couple of days: “I’m not ready to talk about last night. But maybe you could tell me about Amarilyss?”

Tovi’s eyes snap open, and I can see the decision warring behind them as she raises her eyebrows. She moves her arms from behind her head to cross them over her chest as she takes a deep breath.

“Lyss? Uhhh…I think there’s a similar age difference between you and I, as Lyss and I,” she begins, her eyes lighting up and cheeks warming.

“I knew her well. We hung out a lot in secondary.” She shrugs, but the smile on her face belies her attempt at nonchalance. “I was eighteen or nineteen, and her coming-of-age season was approaching, so I was getting nervous. We hadn’t ever really talked about guys. I’d been with them before, but it just wasn’t a topic we spoke about. I didn’t even know if she was into girls. But I thought this was going to be the last I ever saw of her.”

She laughs and rubs her face. “I kissed her! And it was awful. She laughed! Mika, I cannot tell you how hard she laughed.” Tovi shakes her head, still grinning. “You’re probably wondering whether we talked about it, right?” she says but doesn’t wait for a response. “Well, we didn’t. We pretended like it was this funny thing that happened. Then she was gone. Sold to Nemoris.”

“You didn’t know how she felt?”

“I wore gloves all the time back then. Feeling everyone’s feelings all the time was overwhelming, so no. But even then, if I was ever not wearing them, I made sure not to touch anything she’d touched recently. Because I didn’t want to know.”

Tovi continues her story with a little less humor now. “A couple revs later, my coming-of-age season was upon me. I wasn’t exactly a Junky, but I also didn’t have a desirable Gift. They sent the notice out for me at least, but I didn’t think there’d be any bids.” Tovi leans forward. “But there was one from Nemoris.”

“Did you know she was a princess by then?” I ask her.

“No!” she laughs. “I had absolutely no clue. But I was excited to maybe get to see her. And off I went.”

The water is getting too cold, so I let it drain and step out to dry off. We pause the storytelling so I can get dressed. I meet Tovi in our sitting room to eat dinner, and she continues.

“So, I’m brought into their receiving hall where I can see the royal family up on the dais, right at the end of the impossibly long room. I keep my head down as I walk toward them. When I reach them, I curtsy and look up. Mid-fucking-curtsy, I see Lyss sitting there next to the queen, beaming at me! She squeals and runs at me for a hug.” Tovi laughs, shaking her head. “I panicked a bit, trying to see what Queen Neo thought, but she was smiling and said it was nice to finally meet me. That’s when I learned she was a fucking princess.”

I laugh at how fantastical it all is, like a children’s story. Tovi’s demeanor changes, and a darkness descends around her. We finish our dinner in silence in the dying light of the day, but I raise my eyebrows at Tovi after a while as a subtle prod.

“Okay.” Tovi takes a deep breath and holds it, letting it out slowly before she continues. “I was doing odd jobs for the crown, like seeing if people had ill intentions by touching their cutlery after dinners. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t of any real help, and I only had the position because of Lyss. So, I had a lot of free time. Lyss and I spent all of it together, and it was wonderful. Until I fucked up.”

Tovi groans. “We slept together. And instead of being with her, like I actually wanted, I panicked and asked the queen if I could take a position in her army.”

“You what?”

She nods. “I bolted. Didn’t even talk to her. Left to go and train with Beans almost immediately. I mean, eventually, we talked. She said I broke her heart, and she didn’t know if she could forgive me.”

“Oh Tovi…You idiot!”

Tovi laughs. “Yes, I am aware of that, thank you. We managed to be friends again, and she allowed me back into her life, though she keeps me at arm’s length. It probably didn’t help that I started sleeping with her brother.” She grimaces, scratching one of her sharp eyebrows.

The silence hangs heavy, and I don’t know what to say.

Tovi blurts into the long silence. “Mika, she’s the most beautiful woman you will ever see in your life. Not because she’s gorgeous on the outside, and believe me when I say she is. But she has a light about her, she makes everything around her feel magical. She’s wonderful and caring and…” She chokes, unable to continue.