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“No, of course you can’t,” Lena replies, equally defensive. “But since we’ve been together you’ve…well, not exactly shown much interest in me sexually.”

I want to hide.

I want to die.

I want to hide and die.

“It’s only been a few months, Lena,” I tell her, but I still don’t look at her.

“True, but in my experience it doesn’t take that long to get hard when making out with your girlfriend,” she says with a huff. “Look, I’m not…shaming you.”

“Then whatareyou doing?” I ask, raising my voice slightly as I look at her.

I immediately regret it when she flinches.

“I’m sorry,” I say.

She shakes her head. “It’s fine. This is a sensitive topic, and we’ve never spoken about it before.” She takes a deep breath. “We’re both under a lot of pressure right now.”

I nod and break eye contact, looking at her hair instead. “The first semester is always exhausting.”

“I’ve been thinking about it, though,” she says slowly. “Have you heard of asexuality?”

I blink and meet her gaze again. “Yeah,” I say honestly, omitting the fact that I’ve looked it up a dozen times over the last year.

“Maybe you should look into it more. It could explain…whatever you do or don’t feel,” she suggests.

Guilt surrounds me. I grab my laptop and books and start to put them in my bag.

“Ethan, you don’t need to leave,” she insists.

“I should go,” I tell her.

Lena sighs. “Don’t run away.”

I turn to look at her. “I don’t think I’m asexual.”

“Alright. It’s okay either way.” She squeezes my arm.

“You would still want to be with me if I was?” I ask, eyeing her.

She purses her lips. “It would be a new experience for me, but I like you a lot, Ethan. We could figure it out…as long as both of us want to be together.”

I feel like she’s looking at me too closely now.

“I do.” It’s the truth. The idea of losing her makes my stomach hurt.

But so does the idea of fucking her.

Everything is so confusing.

“Good.” She smiles at me. “You can leave if you want to, but you don’t have to.”

“I should get home and sleep.” I continue to put my things away. It’s quiet while I do so, but the tension slowly fades away—at least on her end.

On the drive home I think about what she said.

Asexuality.