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“I crossed a line, Zeke.”
I’m puzzled. I’m not sure what he means. Does he regret what happened tonight? Did we take it too far? Is this not what he thought it would be?
“Wha-”
He interrupts me, shaking his head, “I did something that I can’t take back. I lost control today. Then I disappeared, trying to think it all out, trying to make sense of why I did what I did, and what the fuck I’m becoming.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I went to the brothers. I’ve been working with them to track down an ex-Reaper, Dante Knight, who stole from both of our organizations. We’re onto him, and I know it’s why you were shot.”
He drops his head and his admission feels like a punch to my gut, because what if he’s wrong? What if I was the target all along because of the things I’ve done?
Because of my lies.
“You can’t know that,” I start.
“But I do. They had one of Dante’s men for questioning. I went into that room, and all I felt was rage, Zeke. Pure fucking unadulterated rage. It seeped into my veins and infected every cell in my body.” He pauses and runs his hands down both sides of his cheeks, exhaling with force. “I kill people, and yeah I get that’s not okay, but I kill when I have to. Today? I killed because I wanted to, and I made it hurt.”
I’m unsure of how to respond because I’ve heard so many un-Riot-like things all in one breath. Rage. Loss of control. Causing pain. None of these are part of who he is.
“You know why?”
I slowly shake my head from side to side, letting him get whatever he needs to off of his chest.
“Because they came for you. They came for what’s mine, and they almost succeeded. Zeke, I swear on everything,” his voice falls to a whisper as his fingers crawl across my neck and he grips my chin gently. “I will fucking kill all of them, but only after making them beg for it.”
Placing one hand on his chest, I walk Riot backwards until his back hits the shower wall. He’s spiraling, I can see it in his eyes. Riot’s involvement in this world stemmed from a life of circumstance, it’s not who he is deep down in his core. He shuts everything off when he kills, and he does it because that’s the way he always survived, but when it’s over the switch flips back and he’s this sweet, gentle soul all over again.
Running my hand from his chest up the column of his neck, I grip him gently, holding him in place against the wall.
“Stop.”
Looking down at the ground, Riot avoids my gaze, but I feel his pulse thrumming violently beneath my fingertips.
“I’m becoming him, Zeke. The rage. He was always so full of rage.”
“Look at me,” I grip his neck a little tighter this time, forcing him to give me all of his attention. “You are not him. You will never be him. You know why?”
His eyes meet mine and he shakes his head gently from side to side.
“He wasn’t good, Riot. He wasn’t kind. He hurt you and your mom so he could feel big, bad, and in control. So he could feel better about what a piece of shit he was. You… You are good. You are kind. You hurt people when you have to, and today? You wanted to hurt someone, yes… but it was because you were protecting someone you love.”
Lowering my face, I bring my lips close to his, hovering, living for the feeling of his warm breath scattered across my flesh. “Riot…”
“Yeah,” he breathes, grazing his teeth across his bottom lip.
“I need you to hear me right now, because I don’t think I’ll be able to say it if I wait.”
“Yeah?”
“You are the best person I have ever known. Some days Riot, I feel… I feel defective. I feel like I’m broken. I feel like my insides are plagued with sickness, so I push everyone away, including you. The thing is though baby boy, I may be sick, but you… you’re the cure. I love you. I fucking love you, the killer inside of you and all.”
“I fucking love you,” he murmurs just as I crush my lips against his.
I may still be broken, but I won’t push him away anymore, and just like that this massive weight is lifted from my chest. I feel lighter somehow. The secrets I keep have been weighing me down, swallowing me up like quicksand, but one by one I give them all to Riot, and suddenly the burden isn’t so great anymore.
Chapter twenty-six