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I don’t tell him no. I simply don’t answer. I’ve spilled enough lies to last me a lifetime, and the hurt that flashes across his dull gray irises tears my heart in two.
“You were,” he shakes his head and backs up until he stumbles, falling into the cushions of the couch. Running his hands down the short stubble on his cheeks, he sighs loudly and slowly closes his eyes before looking back up at me. “Zeke, I told you. I told you to let me help you. I told you we do this together. You and me. And here you are, lying to me. Again. Cutting me out.”
“And I told you it’s not your fight baby boy.”
“Don’t. Don’t you dare. Don’t you fucking baby boy me,” his eyes well up with unshed tears and his nostrils flare as he slowly shakes his head. “Why Zeke? And don’t give me any of this shit about it not being my fight, because your fight will always be my fight. And besides that, I can handle myself and you fucking know that. So what is this?”
“I - I have to do this on my own,” I mutter, looking down at the ground. I stare at the cheap vinyl flooring, because I can’t bear to look him in the eyes right now. I can’t face him, because all of this is my doing, and I deserve whatever he’s going to dish out.
“Why do you do this? Why do you shut me out?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about Riot,” I run my hands through my wet hair while I sharply suck in a lungful of air. But it feels like I’m suffocating and I just can’t inhale enough.
“Yes you do,” he moves to stand. “What is it? I’m not good enough for you?”
Lifting my head, I meet his gaze with confusion written all over my face.
Is that really what he thinks?
“It’s not that,” I whisper. “It’s not you.”
“Then what is it? What is it, Zeke? Because from where I’m standing that’s what it looks like. You started this whole fucked up thing between us. You called it a game and I rolled with it at first because I was scared, and I thought to myself, no strings… perfect. But brick by fucking brick you dismantled all of my walls. You forced me to let you in. And now what? Now you shut me the fuck out just when I fall?”
He raises his voice as the first tear falls, and I don’t know what to do to ease his pain because he’s right, but at the same time he’s wrong. He’s so fucking wrong. Internally, I snap and all the emotions bubble over like a can of soda that was shaken too much before the tab was depressed.
“I don’t fucking deserve happiness Riot!” my voice is at the level of a scream, but I make no efforts to lower it. “That’s why. It’s not you. It was never you.”
“Oh, so it’s her?” he asks, the tears now free flowing.
“Everything is, don’t you fucking get it?”
Riot doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t utter a single word. A deafening silence hangs between us, and it’s so goddamn loud that it’s taking over all of my senses.
“I kissed Cole.”
“Excuse me?” my face twists, and now I’m just fucking puzzled.
“I mean - he kissed me, but I didn’t stop him. I kissed him back. And at first I hated myself. I really fucking hated myself. I thought, how could I do that to Zeke? But then I was reminded that there is no Riot & Zeke. It’s just this undefined thing. A convenience for you. I’m here when you want me. Anytime you want me. However you want me.”
“Th-that’s not -”
“It is Zeke. It’s exactly how it is.”
Riot’s words cut me deep, and I know everything he says is right, but again it’s all so fucking wrong. I know how it looks and now I get how it must feel. But he’s everything. He’s fucking everything. I’m the one who’s nothing.
“And you know why I keep going? Why I come back every goddamn time you shove me away? Every time you slip out of my bed and leave? Every time you refuse to stay?” he’s sobbing now, and my chest is cracking wide open. “It’s because I fucking love you Zeke!”
My breath halts within my chest, and this time it’s my eyes that are filling with tears.
How did this happen? How did we get here?
“There. I said it. I fucking love you. And loving you is down right painful, because I know you’ll never actually let me love you, and you’ll damn sure never love me in return.”
Stepping forward, I reach out and touch his face, swiping his tears away but he pushes my hands from his face.
“Tell me what to do,” I choke out as I try to keep the tears from spilling over.
Every nerve beneath my skin is glitching. My wires are all crossed and I feel like crashing software. Everything is crumbling and even the fastest fingers can’t stop the disruption between the program and the hardware. I need to be patched, I need to be fixed, but instead I just press reset and hope for the best.