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I hear her, I really do, but I’m not sure that I can do it. I’m not sure I can let my walls down. Of course I haven’t told her all the reasons I’m so bent out of shape. How I can’t let myself be happy right now.
I guess I really am my own worst enemy.
“You don’t need all the answers Zeke. You just need to take things one step at a time, and the first step is showing up. So get out of my fucking bar and go to the club.”
At that she leans in, kisses my cheek and gives my hands a squeeze before she gets up and walks out of the office. Leaving me alone with my decision.
Coasting into the parking lot of The Underground, I pull into a parking spot and search the lot for Riot’s car as I shift into park. Once I spot his silver Mustang, I feel a wave of relief that they are still here.
I’m not too late.
I turn off the engine and slip out of my truck, locking up behind me. Taking slow, deliberate steps toward the club, I rehearse out loud all of the things I want to say, before I chicken out. The words spin around and around, going in circles as I mutter under my breath.
“I care about you. No, no,” I shake my head. “I care about this thing… No, shit not that either.”
Mildly panicking, I turn around and nearly run back to the truck.
Fuck this, I can’t do it. I can’t do it.
Interlocking my fingers, I flex and crack them before I crack my neck and roll my shoulders. My entire body is tense as I reach for the handle of my truck, but I stop myself. Standing frozen in place, with my fingers on the handle, I take steady and measured breaths.
I have to. I have to do this, or I’m going to lose even more than I’ve already lost.
Dropping my hand to my side, I clench and relax my fingers as I turn and walk briskly back across the parking lot. Heading right for the doors, instead of rehearsing the words this time, I just think about breathing.
I can do this.
I step onto the sidewalk just as the doors to the club swing open, and when I reach out to grab the handle, I find myself face to face with Riot and Cole. They’re holding hands and smiling, and they are both so damn beautiful it makes my insides ache. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I open my mouth to say the words, but Riot goes first.
“You came.”
“I, I…”
Speak you idiot.
“I’m sorry I’m late,” my eyes flick between them both. “I guess I was… too late.”
“Not at all, Cole and I were actually just heading out for chili cheese fries and milkshakes at Mimi’s diner.”
“Oh, cool,” I nod. Just bopping my head up and down like a fucking bobble head.
“Yeah, you’re coming right?” Cole chimes in, and he smiles at me. He really does have a nice smile, it’s innocent and sweet.
“Yeah, I just… I think I need to say something?” I choke out.
This is it, now or never.
Riot reaches out with his opposite hand and grasps my fingers, lacing them between his.
“I’m sorry, Riot. For more things than I can spout off right this very minute. I care about you, and I’ll give you anything you need. Anything. So this,” I motion between the three of us, hesitantly. “If this is what you want… I’m in. I’m all in. I can’t promise it won’t take me some getting used to, but…yeah…”
A grin creeps across his face, and he leans in, pressing the most tender, sweet kiss to my lips, melting away every last shred of doubt that existed within my mind. “That’s all I ask for.”
“Let’s go,” I turn, motioning toward the truck. “The roads got pretty bad tonight, so I’ll drive.”
As the three of us head for the truck, Riot in between us, I feel like I’m finally taking a step in the right direction. A baby step, but a step nonetheless. It feels like some weight has finally been lifted from my chest, and it’s no longer such an intense struggle just to breathe. Not all of the weight is gone, but I don’t feel like I’m being crushed beneath hardened cement anymore.
“Honestly, even though it’s freezing, I have been dying for a chocolate milkshake lately,” Cole laughs, spinning around and walking backward toward the truck. He says something else, but it doesn’t register because I’m distracted. I think I just saw the same black SUV drive by once already and it’s creeping by again. It’s moving slowly and the windows are all blacked out, so I can’t see inside. Maybe I’m being paranoid, because it doesn’t stop, it keeps on driving.