Page 48 of Guitars and Cages

As I walked up the steps of my apartment to pack, followed by Morgan and several members of Mark’s band the Desolation Angels, there was Conner in his doorway, watching. He hadn’t been in to visit me since I’d woken up, because I’d told the doctors and the nursing staff not to let him in. I hadn’t known what the hell to say then, but it looked like I was gonna have no choice but to say something now. He watched me with eyes like a storm-tossed ocean, and I was too tired to feel like anything but a giant ass.

“Hey,” I said as I reached the top of the steps. I went to fit my keys in the door, but Morgan nudged me aside, and my moving crew went into my place with a huge pile of boxes.

Conner watched me with arms crossed over his chest and a bit of a scowl. “You had me banned from visiting you.”

“Yeah, I did.”

“Why?”

I tried to think up a good lie, but ever since that flood of honesty with Mark, and then the shrink, I’d been having a hard time lying. “’Cause I barely know you, so having you see me all fucked up was...odd, I guess. I mean, I don’t get why you gave a shit.”

“I already told you, Asher; even an asshole like you doesn’t deserve to be messed up and hurt, even if it’s by your own hand.”

“Yeah, well, uhh...” I raised my eyes to meet his, and saw the way he was steeling himself for another one of my verbal tirades. “Thank you.”

Shock registered in his eyes before he stammered, “You’re welcome.”

“I, uhh, wasn’t in the best of mindsets that night, but I remember being a complete fuckin’ asshole to you when you tried to talk to me. It would have served me right if you had walked away and not come back. I’m sorry; you didn’t deserve the shit I said to you.”

His eyes widened more, and I didn’t look away. Now that I was moving, I didn’t have to worry about running into him every day, which meant I didn’t have to work hard to be a jerk.

“Just tell me one thing,” he said, still eyeing me skeptically.

“Okay.”

“Why did you lie and tell me you’d beaten Rory?”

I huffed and shook my head, knowing that hadn’t been one of my finer moments. “I wanted you to leave me alone, and I figured if I said that, you’d see me as a worthless piece of shit and go.”

He nodded then, studying me.

“It worked,” he said. “At least until I found out the truth. Then, I gotta tell you, Asher, I was scared that I had left you in that alley to die.”

“Yeah,” I said, knowing he was right. I could have, if he hadn’t come back.

“You know, now I gotta wonder about something.”

“Yeah? What?”

“How much else you were saying and doing to try and get me to leave you alone.”

My eyes widened, but I couldn’t think of a goddamn thing to say. He smiled sadly.

“I thought so,” he said, and then turned to go back inside his apartment.

“Hey,” I called out before I could stop myself.

He only half turned around. “Yeah?”

“Look, it—it isn’t what you thought. I mean, that’s, uhh, not why I did it.”

He turned back around then, cocked his head to the side, and looked at me. “You can’t even say the word, can you?”

“Yeah, I can say it. I don’t have a problem saying it.”

His eyes flashed a challenge. “Then say it.”

“It’s not because you’re gay, all right? There, I said it, and I mean it, too. I piss off everyone—ask those guys, they can tell you.”