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"I don't know if I should," I nearly sobbed. Just the thought put ice in my blood.

"That wouldn't be nice," she said. "You are Brody's sister," she reminded me with relish.

"I don't think they'd want me there," I said.

"No one has said such a thing. If you don't come, you'll look like you are responsible," she emphasized.

That terrible thought curled up in my heart like a vicious, evil worm.

"It will generate more nasty gossip about you and the family and will hurt Grant even more," she continued. "You come, stay in the background, but show your face and express your sympathies," she ordered. "It's all arranged. Just dress properly.

"I've got to go. I'm the only one who can get Grant to take in a morsel of food. He's a shadow of himself. The house is full of mourners, most of them very important people. The story has been in all the papers. As dreadful as it all is, in the end. Grant will emerge even larger."

"How horrible." was all I could say to her, but she wasn't prepared to hear anything that she didn't want to hear, especially from me.

"Out of tragedy, the truly great emerge. Make every setback a lesson and search for something to gain from it," she recited. "My father taught me that and I have never forgotten it. If you're wise, you'll listen to me."

"I've got to go. Good-bye," she said.

Mama would say, "That woman's got a chunk of coal in her chest where her heart should be."

Without Jake I wouldn't have been able to make it through the funeral. As we drove to the church that day, he talked about my grandmother and her ability to maintain her stature and class regardless of the situation.

"I must say," he told me. "I rarely, if ever, saw her flustered. Even when she told me she was pregnant, she spoke from strength."

I know he was telling me all this so that I wouldn't be afraid or panic, but when we approached the church. I couldn't believe the size of the crowd. Brody's former high-school teammates had all come down, dressed in their varsity blazers. Those closest to him were now his pallbearers.

Aunt Victoria greeted me and took me down the aisle to sit in the pews reserved for the immediate family. All eyes in that church had turned to me. I could feel the curiosity, the questions, the surprise pouring from them and washing over me. I tried to keep my own eyes locked on the altar, but the sight of Brody's coffin choked me up. I couldn't swallow; I could barely breathe.

Oh God. I thought, please don't let me faint or do anything to bring any more attention to me.

Grant did look gaunt, thinner, with dark circles around his eyes. My mother was obviously packed full of drugs. She wavered, barely moving under her own strength. Victoria told me the woman beside her was a special duty nurse she. Victoria, had decided to hire.

"Grant thought it was a very good idea," she whispered as we moved into the row.

I must admit Alison looked terribly afraid and smaller to me. When she gazed at me, at first she didn't react. She watched Aunt Victoria and me settle in and then she turned away. Gazed at the coffin, and finally looked back at me, her eyes now full of daggers.

My mother never lifted her head. The minister didn't attempt to make any sense of the tragedy. He confined his remarks to how lucky we all were to have had Brady with us for as long as we had. Except for Alison who smirked throughout the sermon, no one showed any reaction or emotion. Grant stared stoically ahead and my mother kept her head down, her eyes closed like someone just enduring, waiting for the pain to end.

The pallbearers took the coffin out of a side entrance and the funeral procession continued on to the cemetery. After Beneatha's death. when Mama and I had some quiet time together, she told me that you really don't believe someone you love is gone until the moment you see them lowered into the around.

"It's that dust unto dust." she said. "That's what brings it home here," she explained slapping her palm against her breast so hard I winced anticipating her pain. "In church you keep thinking it's just a ceremony for someone else, but once you gaze into that grave, all denial falls away like some fortress wall you had built around yourself"

How those words rang true for me when we drove through the marble arches and stopped at the Hudsons' section. My mother crumbled. Grant fell to his knees and Alison became hysterical. Brody's teammates stood by. stunned by the reality, every young man's face turned back into a boy's face fill of fear and shock. It couldn't end fast enough.

Aunt Victoria stood behind Grant. When his friends helped him to his feet, she was there trying to hold his hand. My mother had to be carried to the car. Finally, the worst was over. The long trip back to their home was a blessing. They could sleep in their limousine and restore some strength.

I wanted to go back home, but once again. Aunt Victoria insisted I go with the rest of the family.

"Either you're going to be a part of this family or you're not," she snapped at me when I started to protest. "You pay your respects decently."

I felt like I was being whipped around, but she made sure to add more guilt on my conscience.

Of course. I had never been to my mother's home. It wasn't as large as Grandmother Hudson's, nor was it on anywhere near as big a tract of land, but it was a very impressive estate of nearly seventy-five hundred square feet with a pool that had water cascading over fieldstone. There was a large gazebo and a long circular driveway lined with hedges and old-fashioned lamps. The house itself was a threestory Georgian. The entryway opened to a curved staircase on the left. To the right was a large living room, filled now with mourners. Aunt Victoria had arranged for the food and service. Grant had a large office toward the rear of the house and that was where he was greeting his friends. My mother was upstairs in bed.

I saw no point to my being here. I didn't know anyone, and most people had no idea who I was. They didn't even know I had been living with Grandmother Hudson, I imagined they thought I was one of Alison's friends. She had a group from her school gathered around her in the den-library. I glanced in at them and quickly went by before Alison saw me. I didn't want to speak with her. if I could help it.

I wasn't sure I should say anything to Grant, but Victoria seized my hand and told me I should.