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"You can't blame yourself for this. Rain"' he said. "You did the right thing. They had no right leaving the burden on your shoulders. Don't you go blaming yourself, Rain. Hear me?"

"Yes, Jake."

"I gotta call Victoria and tell her the house isn't on fire or anything. I'll make you some tea. okay?"

"That's a switch," I said laughing. It wasn't really a laugh. It was a different sort of cry, a sob disguised. 'Someone making me tea. I'm a MIF," I called after him.

He stuck his head back in the door. "Pardon?"

"Milk in first." I said.

"Oh. Right,' he said and I laughed again and again until I was gasping with those dry sobs. I finally ran out of energy even for that and lay still, staring up at the ceiling.

"Mama," I whispered. "Still thinkI'm going to bring good luck? Still think you should have named me Rain for good things, for blossoming and growing goad things?"

I'm a mistake. I thought. I was created in error and my whole life is just a mistake.

Jake practically spoon fed me the tea. My body didn't want to cooperate. It didn't want to be a body anymore. It wanted to disappear and the best way to do that was to stop eating and drinking and caring, but Jake was persistent.

"You're not going to do this. Rain," he said. "You're not going to fall apart now. This family, for better or worst, needs strength, not weakness around it. No one is going to blame you. No one who knows the truth is going to hold you responsible for any thing,"

"Except me," I said.

"What could you do? Submit. pretend? You wouldn't have had any easier time living with yourself. I want you to get yourself up, get showered and dressed. Victoria will be here this afternoon and you'll have to deal with everything that's coming."

He looked around.

"This was Frances's room. Just think about your Grandmother Hudson. Imagine what she would want you to do and do it," he urged.

"I'm tired. Jake."

"You're far too young to be tired," he replied. "Me. I can say that. Not you. You've got too much living to do.

"MIF," he said smiling and shaking his head. "Some MIF."

He got up from the bed and took the empty teacup with him.

"I'll be downstairs, waiting for you," he said. "I'm hungry and I expect you are too. Let's make us both something to eat."

I watched him leave and then I glanced at Grandmother Hudson's picture on the dresser, the one where she was standing by the lake pointing to something and smiling. I could almost hear her say, "Jake's right. Get a hold of yourself and help me deal with my ridiculous family.

"Remember what I told you about self-pity. Remember that now, more than ever."

I lifted myself out of bed, my body running on reflex and memory alone. I did what Jake had told me to do. I showered and dressed and went downstairs to make us something to eat. I prepared some tomato soup and toasted cheese sandwiches. I was surprised I was able to hold any of it down, but I did. Jake and I sat at the kitchen table and talked softly about what had happened.

Before we finished. Victoria charged into the house, her eyes full of shock, anger and confusion. She glanced sharply at Jake, who rose to put his dishes in the sink.

"I'll be out front if you need me," he said, more or less to both of us.

"What happened. Rain?" Victoria demanded after he walked out. "I can't make any sense out of what Megan is saying and by now, she's probably sedated. Grant won't come to the phone. They tell me he's beside himself, locked in his office,"

I stared at the floor. No matter what had been done to me and what this family would like to do to me now. I couldn't stand hearing about their terrible burden of sadness. It brought back vivid memories of Mama after Beneatha's violent murder.

"Grant is destroyed," Victoria declared, sitting at the table. "I don't know if he'll be able to come back to himself. Megan will be of no help. She's worse than a lead weight around his ankle now,"

I lifted my head and looked at her. She was and at me not because of what had happened to Brody, but because of how it affected Grant.

"I didn't do anything deliberately to harm him," I began. I told her how Brody had been so insistent about having dinner with me. I told her about his expressions of love for me and how it was getting far too serious and I had to do something to end it.