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He literally leaped into his car.

"I've got to take you for a ride in this. It's like a little airplane." he said. He started the engrine and smiled as he gunned it. "I'll get you some moo goo gai pan," he said and spun the car around me. "Be back before you can say kung fu in Chinese."

I couldn't help but laugh at him. After all, why should I be mean to him or unfriendly?

He waved and shot down the driveway too fast, slamming the brakes on at the end to let a slow, latemodel station wagon go by. He looked back at me, smiled, raised his hands and then turned back to driving off.

"This is a mistake." I said. "But it's not all my fault. In fact, none of it is my fault."

I went into the house, my emotions twisting and turning in torment and confusion. Just when and how would truth come by and finally sweep all the lies from this family?

4

Secret Pain

.

After I took a shower and quickly washed my

hair. I put on a plain white blouse and a light blue skirt with a pair of blue and white tennis sneakers. It was all right to do exactly what Brady proposed. I told myself. It was fine to get to know each other better, but I had to be very careful about the level of expectations I encouraged. Under no circumstances could I permit him to leave this house tonight still believing he and I could become romantically involved. He might leave disappointed or even angry, but when his parents finally told him the truth about all of us, he would understand.

As I ran a brush through my hair. I admitted to myself that if the situation were different. if Brody were just another young man, it would be easy to fall in love with him-- and not only because he was so good-looking. He had sincerity and sensitivity. He was perceptive, too. He didn't pretend his family was something other than it was. He knew our mother's weaknesses and he was certainly objective about Alison. I thought that took maturity. How I wished my secret was out and he and I could truly become brother and sister. I felt confident that when that occurred. I would have a wonderful new friend.

Despite my self-imposed restrictions and concern. I couldn't leave my vanity table without putting on a little lipstick. I smiled to myself, recalling a conversation tha

t had grown into a little argument with Leslie and Catherine, the two precocious sisters from France who had eventually seduced my boyfriend. Randall Glenn.

"Women are always conscious of their appearance. cherie, Leslie insisted.

"We are always on a stage," Catherine added. They laughed. "That is why we are more natural in the theater. eh?"

"Men can be just as vain," I countered. It was annoying how they would giggle and hide their faces after some of the things I said as if I was so naive about sex.

"You're not such experts," I snapped at them. They stopped smiling.

"Even as little girls, we worry about our looks." Catherine said. "We want our papa to think we are lovely. We flirt before we can talk."

'Oui. We know natural-- is that how you say?" Leslie asked her sister.

"Naturally." she corrected.

"Naturally, yes. It's who we are. . . la femme," she cried and laughed. "You cannot be ashamed. cherie. No, no, you cannot help it," she asserted. "Even those men you don't like, even those you still don't want to see you... how do you say?" She looked to her sister.

"Before breakfast." Catherine said laughing. "Oui, before breakfast."

"That's silly. You're both just... obsessed with sex," I accused. That made them laugh harder.

"Oui, Oui, but of course," Leslie said.

Afterward, often. when I caught some man looking at me, even a teenage boy, I felt the heat rise to my face. My posture improved, my eyes shifted away and then back. Then I would growl at myself for being so... so French.

Maybe it was time to admit to myself that it felt good to be appreciated, admired, to simply be a woman. I would never admit it to those irritating, confident sisters. but I didn't have to admit it to them for them to know.

Just be careful. I warned my image in the mirror when I finished putting on the lipstick.

I went down and set the table for us and then waited in the sitting room. Brody was taking so long I began to wonder if he hadn't changed his mind or called our mother and been told to get back

immediately. I couldn't help but wish that was true. It would make it all so much easier.