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Something about the tone of her question sets me off.

“Why didn’t I tell my dad?” My voice is rising, and I can feel my heartbeat speeding up. It’s not like I haven’t been asked this question before, but the way she asked makes me feel stupid and weak.

“Because my mother would threaten to starve and beat us if we did! Before he came home from a trip, she would be all sweet with us. Pretend to be the perfect mom. She would stop drinking the day before he came home. WE WERE CHILDREN, Charlie! The person who was supposed to take care of us hurt us almost every. Single. Day. She would gaslight us, manipulate us. So, she was not only physically hurting us, but she was also emotionally abusive. I obviously didn’t know the terms for all of it until I had to go to counseling, but that’s what she did.” I pull my hands from under hers and stand.

“So, what happened then? When did she go to jail? I’m trying to understand the timeline of all of it. Help me understand so I can help you.”

She reaches for my hands again, but I pull away.

“Helpyouunderstand? To this day,I’mstill trying to understand how a mother could do this. And you want me to help you understand?! It’s taken me years of therapy to get over some of the stuff we went through. I thank God every day that Brooke doesn’t remember as much as I do.”

I start to walk away, but she grabs my arm. I can’t look at her right now. If I do, I might start crying.

“Charlie, you just don’t get it. You. Casey. Your family. And, hell, football. All of you helped me forget. You allowed me to have a place to push the past behind me, but now she’s out. My past has collided with my present, and there’s no going back.”

“Let us be that for you now. We’re still here for you.”

I pull my arm out of her grasp. I shake my head and clench my jaw.

Seeing my mom today, looking into her cold eyes, brought it all back. It doesn’t matter that, on the outside, she looks like a typical suburban mom. She had the fucking nerve to smile and act like she was the nervous one when, really, I was the one trembling on the inside. Just one glance, and I could feel her hands on me as she’d pummeled me with pain. The scars on my hands were on fire, and there was nothing to do to put them out. My mother—my very own mother—is the one who did this to me. Who made me hate myself for merely existing.

It’s been years since I’ve seen her. I did a great job of keeping that hatred inside me away, but one encounter with her, and it’s all back.

I’m nothing.

I’m bad.

I’m not worthy of love.

I claw at my scar as I pace in front of Charlie, trying to explain the basic fact that we will never be the same.

“You and Casey grew up with two parents who loved you unconditionally. And I’m so glad you didn’t have to go through what we did. But you won’t ever really understand.”

“Beck! I’m sorry, okay? I don’t know what to say. I feel absolutely sick that you guys went through that. You’ve never told us anything about her, so I’m trying to process it all. I’m sorry. Please stay and talk to me.”

She’s pleading with me, but I need to be done with this conversation.

Charlie is all things good in this world.

She doesn’t deserve to be brought into my nightmare.

“Charlie, go back to your room. We’ll talk when we get home. I need some space right now. Seeing you standing next to her? All I could think was that the best part of my life was standing next to the worst part of my life. I thought maybe it was a sick joke or a hallucination from all the adrenaline from the game. But there she was, poisoning just one more good thing in my life.”

“Don’t let her destroy what we have. She was a horrible mother, but you’re an amazing man, Beck. Please don’t let anything she said or did ruin who you are.”

“It’s everything I am. Don’t you get it? Even you never thought I was good enough or else you would have never believed Britney. Which she was sure to remind me of when I saw her after the game against Chandler.”

“Wait,what?”

“You thought the worst of me once too.”

“Beck, please. That was two years ago, and we already hashed that out. I told you I was sorry.”

“There was a reason you believed it. I was never worthy.”

“NO. Please. You can’t think that about yourself.”

She grabs my arm again, but I pull away.