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“I love you so much, angel.”
“I love you too,” I whispered as I stroked his bare chest.
“I want to talk to you about something.”
I lifted my head and looked at him. “What is it?”
“If anything should ever happen to me, I want you to move on and find someone who will love you as much as I do.”
“Baby, why are you talking like that? Nothing’s going to happen to you.”
“You never know, and I just want to make sure that you won’t stop living life.”
“Seriously, stop it. You aren’t going anywhere. We’re going to grow old together and watch our children and their children have children. We’re going to be around for a long time.”
“Paisley, I’m being realistic. Shit happens. You never know what life will bring.”
I wiggled out of his grip and climbed out of bed. I slipped on my silk robe and went out onto the lanai.
“Life gave me you, and you’re not going anywhere. I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to you. It’s not even an option.”
He got up, wrapped his arms around me, and rested his chin on my shoulder. “Sometimes we don’t have a choice. Paisley, all I want is for you to be happy. If you’re not happy, then I’m not happy, and it kills me to see you sad. You can do this, angel. You’re a lot stronger than you know. Don’t be afraid.”
Suddenly, I found myself standing in the sand, looking around and wondering how I got there.
“Where are you? This isn’t funny, baby,” I yelled as I looked around.
“I’m in front of you,” I heard his voice say.
I turned my head and saw him standing in the water a few feet in front of me. “What are you doing?” I smiled.
“I need you to do me a favor, Paisley. I need you to promise me something.”
“You know I’ll promise you anything.”
“Embrace our memories here. Aside from the day I married you, our time spent here was one of the happiest times of my life. Let these memories heal you. Can you promise me that?”
“I’ll try.”
“That’s not good enough. You’ve never broken a promise to me. You’ve always kept your word, and now’s not the time to doubt what I’m asking you. Do you promise?” he asked, holding his pinky finger.
“I promise,” I whispered as I held up mine.
My heart was pounding out of my chest, and my eyes flew open. I lay there for a few moments, trying to catch my breath and calm my racing heart. Maybe coming here wasn’t a good idea. I slowly climbed out of bed and stared out into the crystal blue water. The sun was just rising, and the waves were huge. I grabbed my wetsuit from my luggage and slipped into it. Grabbing the surfboard I had rented when I arrived, I ran down the beach and put it in the water, paddling my way out to hit the next big wave, but I didn’t ride it. I sat up on my board, gripping it tight and letting the waves crash over me and drag me along the ocean floor. I let them have their way with me and gave in to their full control. When I surfaced, the adrenaline racing through my body was astounding. It felt like it had breathed life into me. That was the only way I could describe it. Another surfer paddled her way over to me.
“Are you okay? That wave was crazy. I didn’t think you were coming back up.”
I looked at her with a small smile. “Yeah. I'm okay for the first time in a very long time.”
She nodded and smiled as she paddled away from me. I swam back to the shore and went to the cottage. After changing out of my suit and putting on a sundress, I made a cup of tea and took my laptop out to the lanai. As I opened the Word document, I couldn’t stop thinking about that dream, although it didn’t feel like a dream. I could feel his arms wrapped tightly around me and his lips on my skin. His words consumed me, and I couldn’t stop hearing them in my head. It felt like he was reaching out to me. Like somehow, he knew how sadness and despair had taken over my life since he died. My fingers began typing the words that I couldn’t bring myself to type over the last year.
After I showered, I put on a pair of khaki shorts and a black tank top. Today was the day. The day I had dreaded for a longtime. Not only would it have been our second anniversary, but it would also be the first anniversary of his death. I kept hearing his words: “Let these memories heal you.” He wanted me to remember our time here and be happy that we got the chance to share it. I promised him I’d be okay, and that was what I was setting out to do. I would go to all the places we visited and do all the things we did.
Spending the day horseback riding and stand-up paddling left me tired and hungry. After freshening up and changing into one of my dresses, I walked to Ola Restaurant and sat at a table on the beach, just like we did on our honeymoon. I ordered a glass of wine and watched as the sun set over the bay.
“Here’s to you, my darling husband. It’s just as beautiful as it was when we were here together.” I raised my glass.
It was funny how the most dreaded day of my life had turned into one of the best. The memories we made here were some of the best. I finally realized that no matter what I do or who I love, those memories will always be with me. After I ate dinner, I walked back to the cottage, where I soaked in the deep marbled tub and then sat out on the lanai, listening to the whispers of the ocean and the laughter of the waves as I wrote more of my story.