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Could we be more?
I think I want that.
Like my mom always used to say, “It’s okay to want what you want.”
I want him.
The guilt loops endlessly in my mind, like a rollercoaster I can’t get off. This journey that led me to Nathan has been beautifully disastrous and unpredictable.
Laying my palms flat against the tiles, I let the water run over my skin and release a large breath of acceptance that I want to be more than just his secretary.
I step into the decision and let it settle in my bones. It’s time to shake the hand of unpredictability.
Hello, courage. I think the roads are about to get even more bumpy.
21
ARI
It’s Saturday, and instead of walking along the beach like I hoped, I’m standing in an exclusive fashion boutique.
“I don’t think I like this one either,” I call out to Joseph, who was determined to come with me, along with my best friend, Maeve, to pick a dress for the ball.
“Show us.” Maeve encourages me to step out of the changing room.
I turn around awkwardly and hike the trailing dress up to one side then slide back the curtain to reveal the bright teal dress that’s much too long for me.
“Nope.” Joseph shoos me back into the changing room. “That’s drowning you.” He takes a sip of champagne that was offered to us when we arrived.
Maeve tilts her head to the side; confusion lines appear across her forehead. “Try on the gold.” She points to the one hanging up.
Who knew dress shopping would be so difficult.
“I’m not sure I like the back on the gold one.” The plunging cowl back won’t hide my scar.
“Kill my curiosity, go on.” Maeve makes praying hands, pleading with me, giving me huge puppy dog eyes.
“Okay.” I give in and close the curtain again, annoyed that after trying on over a dozen dresses, I don’t even have a maybe. They’ve all been a no so far. “I won’t be able to wear a bra with it.” I point out the obvious.
“They do those stick-on bras. Let me ask the assistant,” Joseph says, eagerly willing to help. “Size?” he asks, and I give him my cup size as I struggle to get out of yet another dress and rehang it, then take my bra off.
“I’m not sure gold is my color.” With my hands on my hips, I stare at it. As stunning as it is, I really wanted to wear a dark colored dress, not one that looks like sunshine.
“Here you go, sweetie.” Joseph pushes his hand through the small gap in the curtain and hands me a delicate-looking stick-on bra that’s slightly padded in a natural color that might actually work.
“Thank you.” I take the bra out of his wiggling hand and laugh at him. Joseph is a ball of energy every single second of every day and he’s a breath of fresh air in the office.
Even after I leave Hart Law, I hope we remain friends, but he may not want to if I expose my findings.
Not that I’ve found anything.
I spoke to Julie, my contact atThe Golden Telegraph, again via email last night and she said she finally has some concrete evidence coming her way and would send it to me once she had it in her hands. She wasn’t sure how long it would take, it could be days, weeks or months, but she’d found something, and I’ve been waiting for years already so another few months won’t matter.
Whatever it is, I hope it’s enough to finally put an end to the torment I’ve been feeling since I was old enough to investigate the case myself but have only been able to get so far.
If I’m not careful I’m going to drive myself stupid. My obsession is becoming just that: obsessive. I push the thoughts of my family aside so I can focus on the task at hand… finding a dress.
“Why the hell did I say I would be his date?” I ask out loud, knowing full well it was because the thought of Nathan with another woman curdled my blood.