Page 92

“Every day,” Emma said quietly.
I gritted my teeth. “How would you know?”
“Because I can smell it on you, Samuel. I thought you wanted to confide in me?”
I sighed, not liking feeling cornered like that. I felt the strong desire to lock her out again and raise my protective walls. “I don’t keep track, but you could be right. I have been drinking a bit more than I should in recent months.”
Emma nodded, her eyes soft and understanding.
“Alcohol kept me company and listened when I couldn’t open up to anyone else. Now that I have you to confide in, that won’t be an issue anymore.”
Emma gave me a small, hopeful smile, but I could tell she wasn’t quite convinced. Neither was I, but I had survived torture and several attempts on my life. Alcohol really wasn’t an opponent I was worried about.
“My father asked me about children today,” I said. “After the thing with Serafina, he’s always concerned something could happen to me too. I suppose he needs to make sure our bloodline continues.”
Emma regarded me with wide eyes. “Okay.” She tilted her head curiously. “Your mom got really emotional over photos of you, Serafina, and Sofia as babies. Maybe that’s why he feels like grandchildren would be good, to cheer up your mom, you know?”
I nodded. “She’s made peace with having lost Serafina, but sometimes it catches up with her again. That’s why I knew it was a bad idea to look at those photos. Are you still against kids?”
She frowned. “I was never against having kids, Samuel. I’m just worried. Do you want children now because it’s expected of us?”
I sighed. Of course, it was expected of us. “It’s expected, but that’s not why I want children.”
“Then why do you want them?”
“Family is the only place in our world where you can really be yourself.”
Emma bit her lip, her eyes warm and loving. “I know. With you, I don’t feel different. I just feel like me because you only see me.”
I cupped her cheeks. “I feel the same with you.” I knew I still wasn’t the epitome of emotionally available, but I wanted to let Emma in.
“I want children. I have always dreamed of having my own family one day. For a long time, I didn’t dare dream it could become a reality,” Emma whispered. She searched my eyes. “Do you want them now?”
I shrugged. I wasn’t sure if it was the right time for kids yet, but would there ever be a right time? Getting Emma pregnant would definitely get some people off our backs, and maybe it would help me focus on the present and not let the past catch up with me so often. Perhaps it would help get a better handle on my drinking habits too. Emma was right. They had become a little erratic over time.
“I think you should stop taking the pill, and we should let fate decide if we’re ready for kids.”
Emma blew out a breath, her eyes nervous. “Okay. I only have five more pills, and I won’t start the new prescription after that.”
I wrapped my arms around her tightly, my heart speeding up. I knew this was a monumental step that would change everything, even more than a marriage had.
“Can you try to drink less if we do this? Not during the day and maybe not every day?” Her face filled with anxiety over my reaction, and my first instinct was to get angry because I didn’t want anyone to tell me what to do, but in this case, I understood Emma’s reasoning.
“I’ll drink less, don’t worry.”
Emma was concerned I had lost control over my drinking, but I would show her that I never relinquished control.
For our first wedding anniversary, Samuel and I decided to head out to the Mione lake lodge about two hours outside of Minneapolis. I had never been there, only at the Cavallaro lodge, but that had been years ago.
The wooden lodge sat tight on the edge of the lake without any other houses in sight. Across the lake, I spotted another similar lodge, but apart from that, the location provided solitude.
I was equally excited and nervous about our trip. My period was overdue by five days, but I hadn’t dared take a test yet. The last two times I’d been overdue by a day and tested, the result had been negative. I didn’t want to get my hopes up again. Samuel and I had been only trying for six months, so I knew it was still early, and I couldn’t expect to become pregnant right away. I had packed three pregnancy tests butwasn’t sure if I should really take them. If they were negative, that would overshadow our trip, and I really wanted to enjoy our anniversary.
“You’re very quiet,” Samuel said as he helped me into my wheelchair. A ramp led up to the porch that went around the house.
I smiled at him. “That’s usually your part.”
He chuckled. “It is, which is why I notice when you don’t talk to me.”