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I squeezed his hand. “Yes. Which was an outcome they had taken into consideration.”
I nodded. I stroked Emma’s hair away from her back and traced a few scars on her back. “For me to forgive myself, I’d need their forgiveness first, but I can’t get it. With every milestone I reach, I’m aware of the milestones they won’t ever experience.”
“They would have forgiven you eventually.”
“What about you? Would you have forgiven the man who was responsible for the accident?”
Emma’s brows puckered, but eventually, she nodded. “I have forgiven him.”
I couldn’t understand how she could be so forgiving. Maybe it came with being a Made Man, but forgiveness didn’t cross my mind when I heard Emma’s story.
“Because he paid the ultimate price?”
“Even if my family hadn’t killed him, I would have eventually forgiven him. What he did was wrong, but he didn’t mean to hurt me. Nothing of what happened was his intention. It happened. I didn’t want his death, but nobody asked me. He was already dead when I woke from my coma. Danilo killed him before I could forgive him.”
I doubted that was all that Danilo did, just kill him. Knowing him, he’d probably made him suffer before. I would have donethe same if someone had hurt Sofia or Fina like that. Fuck, I wanted nothing more than to hurt Remo like that and then kill him.
“You lost a lot because he drank and drove,” I said merely. Remembering how I’d drank and drove today, and how I’d even done the same with Emma in a car with me, I wondered how Emma had felt. While I hadn’t felt intoxicated, I knew that accidents were more likely to happen.
“I lost something, yes, but my life isn’t less because of it. It’s different. And I would have wanted him to get punished, but I would have forgiven him if he’d asked for forgiveness.” She paused. “But this is still different from your case. I didn’t have a choice. I didn’t even know he was drunk. But your friends went into the mission knowing the risks.”
I knew Emma was right. Sometimes I got close to making peace with myself. Emma pushed herself up and kissed me lightly. “You should forgive yourself.”
“I’ll consider it,” I said ironically.
“Maybe we can go to their graves together? If you share the burden of your guilt and grief, maybe it’ll be easier to let go.”
My first instinct was to say no. I preferred to be alone at their graves. Renato was the only person I could tolerate there on occasion. But I actually liked the idea of having Emma’s calming presence with me one day. Maybe not yet. We still weren’t there yet, but she was definitely a person who I could imagine allowing this. “I’ll consider it.”
Emma snuggled closer to me, and I could sense her contentment. She wanted to help me to defeat my demons, and she was happy that I finally allowed her to try.
I fell asleep in Samuel’s arms and didn’t wake until morning. When I did, Samuel was still in bed with me. I smiled and rolled closer to him. I was fairly sure Samuel would have spent the night in his office getting drunk if I hadn’t taken the initiative. It had taken all my courage, but I was pleased with the outcome. Not only had the sex been amazing but Samuel had finally opened up to me as well.
Fifteen minutes later, Samuel was under the shower, and I checked my messages. Ines had written late last night, letting me know that the priest had invited me to visit the community center where today’s meetings were held. I was excited about the prospect of finally helping Made Men who struggled with their disabilities. It was rare for men like that to accept help at all.
I got out of bed, and after a moment of hesitation, I slipped into the bathroom. Samuel had left the door ajar, so I assumed he didn’t mind me being in the bathroom while he showered. My eyes were drawn to the shower, where Samuel rinsed off the shower gel from his body. His eyes met mine as he washed his half-erect cock and abs. Swallowing, I moved to the sink and brushed my teeth. I was supposed to be at the community centerby ten. That wouldn’t happen if I got sidetracked by having sex with Samuel.
Samuel stepped out and wrapped a towel around his waist.
“I’m going to meet our priest today to discuss how I can help the Made Men with disabilities.”
Samuel nodded, but I got a little distracted by the droplets of water rivuleting down his chest. “Leo will take you there. I bought a Mercedes Vito and had it modified so you can enter the back with your wheelchair. That way, you won’t have to rely on him to help you into the car.”
My eyes widened in surprise. “You did?”
He nodded as if this wasn’t a big deal. “You like your independence, and this will make traveling by car far more comfortable for you.”
“Thank you,” I whispered, wheeling over to him and touching his hand on the counter.
He gave me a small smile.
“Regarding Leo… I’m not sure if his presence at the meetings will always be helpful. Some Made Men won’t feel comfortable to share their struggles when he’s around. They’ll put up a tough front.”
Samuel shook his head, his expression resolute. “I want him with you at all times, Emma. I need to know you’re protected.”
I nodded reluctantly. Samuel glanced at his watch. “I need to leave. There’s a meeting with our Captains.”
He pressed a quick kiss to my lips before he headed out.