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I leaned my head back against the backrest. I wasn’t even sure when I’d crossed the line from occasional drinker to habitual drinker to alcoholic. What I knew with absolute certainty was that today marked the day I’d stop. For Emma.
After Samuel left the bed, I barely slept. Having seen how hard his nightmare had affected him and how the effects of it had lasted even after he’d woken up had shaken me too. The withdrawal would be emotionally draining, not just physically.
When I woke up after having fallen asleep eventually, Samuel’s side of the bed was still empty. I quickly got ready, then headed downstairs to find him. A small part of me was worried that he’d found a way to drink. When I found him on the sofa, asleep with his chin on his chest and covered with a cozy blanket, guilt overwhelmed me. I needed to trust Samuel. But I knew addiction was a tough opponent.
“He fell asleep thirty minutes ago,” Ines said, startling me in my wheelchair. She appeared beside me with a cup of coffee cradled in her palms. “He was exhausted. Pietro was with him all night.”
“That was so sweet of him. I should have been there for him as his wife.”
Ines touched my shoulder with a gentle smile. “I think it was important for Samuel and Pietro to talk and bond over this experience. And you need lots of sleep. You’re growing a human.”
The concept was still hard to grasp for me.
“Come on, let’s have breakfast. Samuel needs some more rest.”
Ines and I ate alone in the dining room. Pietro had to leave for work early despite his lack of sleep. I had a feeling Samuel would be annoyed that his father had left without him. But considering his pallor, it was for the best if he spent the day on the sofa.
I wasn’t sure if the worst withdrawal symptoms were already over. It was Christmas Eve in three days, and I hoped we’d overcome the worst by then.
Two hours later, my worries were confirmed. Samuel woke shivering and sweaty from another nightmare, and again, it took him several moments to realize he had been dreaming.
His eyes met mine, and he gave me a tight smile. I wheeled over to him and touched his thigh. “Maybe a bath will help.”
He nodded. “I definitely need to shower. Maybe a bath would be even better.” He pushed to his feet, then swayed slightly before he caught himself. His lips thinned, and a look of annoyance filled his eyes. Samuel, like many Made Men, hatedany sign of weakness. “After a few more days, you’ll feel more like yourself again.”
He frowned. “Will I? I don’t even remember what it was like before I started drinking every day.”
“We’ll figure it out together.” Samuel leaned down and kissed the top of my head before he straightened once more.
He shivered. He looked as if he was going to be sick at any moment. He closed his eyes, squared his shoulders, then headed out. I followed him but stopped in the entry.
Watching Samuel like this filled me with pride and sadness. I hated seeing him suffering even though I knew it was necessary.
Ines came toward me and squeezed my shoulder as we watched Samuel drag himself upstairs for a shower. “He’s doing it for you and your child, not for himself.”
“I know. I hope he realizes that he’s worth it too.”
“One day. If anyone can make him see his self-worth, it’s you.”
I’d do my best. I had all the patience in the world. My accident had taught me perseverance.
Despite his frustration with himself and his body, Samuel finally listened and rested on the sofa most of the day. After an early dinner, we went upstairs shortly after eight. I too felt tired from the previous night, so I didn’t mind an early bedtime. Tomorrow, Danilo and Sofia would join us, and I hoped it wouldn’t be too much for Samuel. Danilo had sent me several messages since the accident, and he’d definitely want to talk to me privately tomorrow.
Samuel watched me from the bench in front of the bed as I changed into my nightgown awkwardly. With my growing belly, getting dressed was more difficult, especially as my body took up more room in my wheelchair so I had less space to move. I gave him a smile before I moved into the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face. I hadn’t bothered putting on makeuptoday. When I started brushing my hair, Samuel joined me in the bathroom. He watched me intensely as he brushed his teeth.
Eventually, I put down the brush. Samuel’s intense observation made me feel incredibly hot. He rinsed his mouth, then turned to me. “You’re gorgeous and sexy, you know that?”
I flushed at his praise. “Thanks to you, I often do.”
He came toward me and braced himself on my wheelchair. “Then I’m doing it wrong. You should always feel that way.”
I smiled. “Nobody always feels sexy and gorgeous.” Samuel leaned down and kissed me. One of his hands cupped my face and throat, tilting my head back so he could deepen the kiss. My body sprang to life at the passionate kiss, at the incredible heat he emitted, and the way his tongue played with mine. “I want you. Let me make love to you.”
I hesitated. Samuel had had a hard day. His body had been put through the wringer, and I was worried that it would frustrate him if he didn’t perform like he was used to. Samuel was proud, and he’d definitely see it as a hit to his manliness. But I longed for him. Maybe he needed this to prove to himself that we were still okay and we’d get through this. I wanted to show him that everything would be okay. Perhaps he needed more than words to truly believe it.
Samuel pulled back with a bitter smile. “I guess my performance today wasn’t a huge turn-on.”
I frowned. “That’s nonsense. You always turn me on, Samuel. You’re sexy.” I ran my hands down his chest, then slid my fingers under his shirt and brushed his arms and chest. “I’m just worried that you’re demanding too much from your body.”