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I didn’t want to spread rumors, especially because I’m still not sure they’re true, but Kat has a point.

Hiring Ronan could affect her life as well, and she has a right to know.

“Back when Josie and I first started the blog, Ronan O’Brien was pretty famous in the swimming world.

He was a hell of an athlete, charismatic, and pretty fucking gorgeous.

He’s the kind of guy who knows how pretty he is and isn’t afraid to use it to get what he wants. ”

Understanding fell over her face. “The most dangerous kind of pretty.”

“Exactly. He was a player and never really seemed to take anything too seriously. He had this air about him that said everything came easy and he didn’t have to put in much work.”

It’s no secret that those are the kind of people I like least of all.

That kind of behavior is one of the biggest reasons Bianca and I broke up.

There was always something different about Ronan, though.

Something I wanted to understand, because it felt like an act.

He never let me get close enough to see the real him.

Her eyebrows crawled up her forehead. “And you were friends with him?”

“He was different with us.” I’m not really sure how to explain what I mean to Katrina. “He never acted that way with us, or even around us. It was something we saw from the outside looking in.”

Kat takes the seat across from me, tile samples forgotten as she gets more into the story.

“We all got along pretty well. He and I even spent some time hanging out alone after the 2016 Trials,” I continue, forcing myself not to think back to those memories.

They are more dangerous than anything else I’m about to tell her.

“The following summer, though, something changed. I overheard Ronan say something to some younger swimmers, and it proved to me he’s exactly the kind of person people always thought he was. ”

“Well, what did he say?”

A twisting feeling settles in my gut. I can still hear the way his deep, warm voice curved over each of the ugly words he said that day—the ones I wish would stop haunting me. “It’s not important.” I wave her off. “What is important is what happened next.”

She sits completely enraptured as I finish off my tale—how that meet in 2017 was the last time we ever saw or spoke to Ronan.

How less than a year later, he had refused to take a drug test, and all these doping scandals started surfacing, ruining the reputation he had left.

He never denied them or fought against them; all he did was quietly announce his retirement on social media before they could formally pursue any allegations.

The retirement post didn’t make a single mention of the drama surrounding him.

By the time I finish, Katrina is staring at me with wide eyes. “Holy shit.”

“Neither Josie nor I ever thought he was doping, not really,” I say. “But when those rumors persist for years and there’s no one around telling you the truth, it becomes kind of hard not to believe them, you know?”

“Do you really think Carter and Bryce would let him come out here if that were true, though?” That’s the question I’ve been wrestling with since Bryce made the announcement, and the reality is, I don’t know. “Or do you think maybe he’s lying to them, and they don’t know the truth?”

“Absolutely not.” Ronan may be a lot of things, but a liar has never been one of them. “I think they know the truth of what happened, but don’t feel like it’s their story to tell. I guess I have to respect that.”

“Then why are you so upset with him?”

I try not to let my frustration show. “Because, whatever happened, Josie and I deserved to know. We were all friends, and we deserved more than to have him fall off the face of the earth.”

“But I thought the two of you weren’t really talking at that point.”

We weren’t, but I still deserved to know. I would have listened if he reached out to me then. “That’s true, but it’s still something we should have known. ”

“That makes sense,” she replies. “Can I ask you one more question? It’s pretty personal.”

Worry creeps up my spine, wondering how much more personal we can get. Still, I nod.

“Does Josie know you slept with him?”

“W… What ?” How did she possibly guess that? It happened almost ten years ago; how could she possibly know that? “I…I don’t have any idea what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t act so surprised. I guessed about it last night, solely based on your reaction. Then this whole conversation kind of confirmed it for me.” Even more panic claws its way up my throat. “Don’t worry, though. I genuinely don’t think Josie or the guys know.”

“And they can’t know, Kat.” There is no denying the truth now. Instead, I need to focus on making sure my secret is kept a secret. “It was almost ten years ago. I never told them, and I know he didn’t either. It was one of the biggest mistakes of my life.”

Worry passes over her gaze. “Mia, what does that mean?”

“Nothing like that,” I quickly assure her. “It was consensual, fully consensual. It wasn’t something I expected to happen, but it led to me thinking he’d be different and all that got me was heartbreak.”

I still dream about that night in Omaha—the way he walked me back to the hotel with an arm around my shoulder.

How he kept pulling me in closer, the warmth of his breath against the top of my head.

At nearly five-ten, I was used to being as tall as or taller than all my dates.

The way he pressed a kiss to my head and how we agreed to watch a movie…

something I never thought Ronan would be into.

It had been me that initiated everything that followed that night.

Less than an hour into a movie I’d already seen, I’d gently taken the tablet from his hand and demanded to know why he wasn’t trying to sleep with me.

I wanted to know why he wasn’t living up to the reputation I knew was true.

His green eyes flashed with hurt before he admitted he thought I deserved better than him.

I’d swung a leg over his lap and was straddling him in seconds, wanting to know what his response was if I said all I wanted was him. The kiss he pulled me into still haunts me. No one has been able to kiss me like Ronan.

Katrina is staring at me expectantly, waiting to hear the rest of the story. “Look, I pushed him to give into his reputation because I wanted him. He wanted me, too, at least in that moment. Everything that came after, though, just proved to me I would never be good enough long-term.”

“And that’s why you don’t want to see him? Because you don’t want to relive that past?”

“I don’t want to see him because Ronan O’Brien runs away.

When things get hard, he bolts. The second something he doesn’t like happens, he leaves.

His way of handling things is not handling them.

He might be a good person most of the time, Katrina, but reputations are created for a reason.

Don’t let him make you think otherwise.”

I don’t know if Katrina is willing to take my response at face value, but she nods and opens up a notebook, instantly bringing the conversation back to a safe area: work.

Work, for us, means I don’t have to think of Ronan or the way he humiliated me.

Or the reality I’ve chosen to wear as a burden to protect the people around me.

I saw the real him that day in Indianapolis, but it wasn’t my place to share that with everyone else.