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“We’re having a nice night. I’m almost scared to ruin it.”

I turn to look up at him in surprise. “Okay, well, now you have to tell me whatever you were about to say. I don’t care if you ruin it.”

He hesitates for a moment, and I wonder if he realizes he even said that out loud. “This kind of feels like how things felt before, you know?”

The word “before” hits me hard, all the different ways he means it is evident.

Before we slept together and changed everything.

Before we spent every spare moment of a year talking, talking more than our friends, who are in a committed relationship.

Before I treated him normally one day in Indianapolis, only to hate him with everything in me the next day.

Before, before, before. I miss the before.

“Yeah, it does” I admit.

“You have to throw me a bone here, Mia,” he pleads. “I can’t fix things between us if I don’t know what I did, and I promise you I don’t know what I did.”

I swallow, and try to find the words, but they simply won’t come.

Which is ridiculous because I can vividly picture the day everything changed.

The day I heard those awful things he said and knew I’d never be more than a hookup to him.

If he wasn’t willing to defend my best friend, there’s no way in hell he’d defend me.

“All I know is that we were fine that first day in Indianapolis,” he recalls. My heart drops to the pit of my stomach. “I was signing autographs with Bryce, who was having a small fight with Josie. We were fine. Then, after they worked everything out, you and I suddenly weren’t fine.”

God, he knows. He knows exactly when everything happened. Remembers it eight years later.

“I heard you.”

His head tilts. And despite those words sliding out of my mouth without my permission, the look is pretty freaking adorable. “What?”

Well, I guess there’s no turning back now.

I inhale a long breath. “I had gotten up to stretch my legs. I was walking around, and I saw you watching the meet with a couple of college kids I didn’t recognize.” His eyes are wide. He knows . “I was going to come down and sit with you, but stopped when I heard what you said.”

A panicked look crosses his features. “What did you hear, though?”

“They were talking shit about Josie, Ronan. Somehow, they’d figured out that she and Bryce were sleeping together and were being horrible to her.”

“I didn’t say anything bad about Josie!” he defends, holding his hands up in mock surrender. “I would never say anything bad about Josie.”

Frustration bubbles inside me, almost to the boiling point.

“That asshole called my best friend desperate and said no one in their right mind would want her. You didn’t correct him!

You said, and I quote, ‘ people are entitled to fuck who they want.’ I left when he said he’d never sleep with a whale. ”

“And if you would have stuck around for even thirty seconds longer, you would have heard me tell him to shut the fuck up!” Ronan’s voice has risen with mine, emotions running high between the both of us. “Do you really think I wouldn’t jump to her defense, Mia? Are you kidding me?”

“You didn’t initially!” I challenge.

“Yeah, because it was their secret!” he spits back. “They wanted to keep it quiet. I was in a pretty hard position there; I couldn’t let them know they were right. And it wasn’t even for Bryce, he could handle it. I didn’t want idiots like that ruining things for you .”

“What are you talking about?” I cross my arms across my chest, trying to stabilize myself as yet another thing I thought I had figured out was suddenly on shaky ground. “We didn’t need your protection.”

“Oh, believe me, I know that. The blog was starting to pick up traction. You were doing well; I didn’t want some asshole kid ruining that for you by starting rumors.

Josie didn’t deserve to have her name dragged through mud, and I didn’t want them to spread something about how you’re nothing more than groupies looking for sex. ”

It all crashes around me, this illusion I had of Ronan for the last few years. Everything I thought had been wrong. It’d been a lie. He wasn’t the villain of the story. And he only came across that way because I decided to cast him in that role.

“I was protecting my friends.” He’s taking deep breaths, in through his nose and out through his mouth.

“All of them. I never agreed with Bryce wanting to keep things quiet. I told him he’d risk losing everything, but I respected his wishes.

Carter and I were put in a weird place because people asked us all the time.

Fans, the media, other swimmers, and even random strangers wanted to know if Bryce and Josie were together.

So yeah, sometimes I had to laugh at some cruel jokes, but I never let it get personal. ”

That…That’s something I never thought about.

We all give Bryce and Josie so much shit for keeping things quiet and refusing to acknowledge what was between them for so long, but I never stopped to think about how their decision affected us.

Me, Carter, and Ronan were pulled into something we weren’t part of.

I only had to worry about Josie, who didn’t have the focus of as many people as Bryce did.

With the eyes of so many people on them, those two went to bat for not only Bryce, but Josie, too.

No one on the outside would look at Josie, or myself, and think that girl is hooking up with a swimmer .

Because it didn’t fit whatever bullshit narrative society painted.

When people talk about the girlfriend of a professional athlete, they have an extremely specific picture in their head.

I’ve always known that, and I’d wanted to protect Josie from it.

“I was up in the stands to watch a few races,” he continues, pulling me from my thoughts.

“When they saw me there, they came over, and started talking, like we were bros, or something. I mostly ignored what they were saying, but eventually, I had to say something. They were being obnoxious. The comment you heard was meant to shut them up, but it egged them on. When their comments started to get more personal and pointed, I got pissed.”

It’s so ridiculous—the need I suddenly feel to defend Josie.

This all happened almost eight years ago, but was the manifestation of all my worst fears.

The rage is still there, even though I know she doesn’t need me to protect her.

In those rare moments when she isn’t capable of handling herself, she has Bryce.

“I don’t think they expected me to start yelling at them about the importance of respecting people and not making comments about someone else’s love life or their personal appearance.

” Ronan’s voice pulls me back from the edge as I’m about to tumble into a spiral, questioning whether, or not I’m still needed.

“They definitely didn’t expect me to tell their coach. ”

I gape up at him. “You didn’t.”

God, the look of pure pride he has shouldn’t be as sexy as it is. “She was pretty mad, which wasn’t all that surprising. She benched them for at least three meets.”

A laugh sputters out of me, and he grins, an amused glint in his eyes. He watches as I finally fall apart. There are tears stinging the corners of my eyes from laughing so hard before he finally joins in. Somewhere along the way, tears start streaming down my face.

I can’t believe I stayed so mad over something I hadn’t fully witnessed.

I disregarded the person I knew and started to believe the rumors because, when I heard those words leave his mouth, I let myself think the worst. I let myself believe that if he could say something cruel like that about Josie, there was no way he didn’t regret what had happened between us.

I let myself believe rumors and facades over what I knew in my own heart and soul to be true. And I have a lot to make up for.

Strong arms pull me against a solid chest. It’s a strange sensation to be hugged while you’re simultaneously laughing and crying. I don’t push him away.

“Does this mean you don’t hate me anymore?” Another laugh escapes him as he steps back, hands resting on my shoulders. “Because I missed being your friend.”

“No, I don’t hate you.” I wipe the corners of my eyes. “And I’m sorry, Ronan. For letting your reputation cloud my own judgment, I knew you better than that. I should have come and talked to you.”

“Why didn’t you? You have to know I’d never lie to you.”

“I…I think I was scared,” I admit. “Even though everything was fine between us, I never let myself believe we’d be okay after what ha ppened in Omaha and, I guess, hearing you say that solidified it for me.”

“Mia.” I turn away at the broken sound of his voice, but a gentle hand grips my arm and turns me back to face him. “Is that why you said that night was the biggest mistake you’ve ever made?”

God, I did say that. There are so many things I wish I’d never said and never done now that I know the whole truth. Or, at least, what I think is all the truth. “I was hurt, Ronan. It’s not an excuse, but it’s my truth.”

“I know, and we can go back and forth apologizing for what we each should have done or said, but it’s pointless. We’re not there anymore; we’re not those people. All I’m asking is for the truth now.”

The way his piercing green eyes stare at me sends a shiver up my spine; it was a gaze similar to the one I got when I straddled his lap all those years ago. “Yeah, I guess it was.”

His bottom lip disappears between his teeth, and I want to free it, to get him to say whatever he was trying so hard not to say right now.

“Whatever you may have thought, I want you to know that I don’t regret that night.

I never wanted to pressure you into anything, but I wanted you then.

That night was pretty great, if you ask me. ”

A faint blush coats my cheeks. “It was, wasn’t it?”