Page 52

“What do you want to talk about today?”

Over the last several months, Joy and I have started a lot of sessions this way.

Mostly during our sessions when I felt like being stubbornly quiet despite the thoughts and emotions whirling around in my head.

She’d ask the question, a gentle prod to get me to open up, but I rarely ever did.

Today, though, is going to be different.

“Ronan is staying.”

I’m smiling so big my cheeks hurt. I see the briefest flash of surprise on Joy’s face before she’s smiling with me.

She’s not radiating the same elated happiness I am—not that I expect her to, but I can tell she’s happy with the news.

Happy about what it means for me going forward. Which is good, because I’m happy, too.

“That’s wonderful news, Mia.” She sets her pen down on her notebook. “I know you’ve had concerns about his ability to settle down and stay in one place. How are you feeling about this announcement?”

“Like I can finally let the past go and focus on my future,” I admit, which earns me a brighter smile. “The whole time he was in California, I was terrified that was it. Something would happen and he’d decide to stay, even though he kept telling me he was coming back.”

Joy picks her pen up, scratching a quick note across the page. “That makes sense, though. Humans base their fears off experiences. You have had a history of people choosing themselves over you, despite how hard you try and of no fault of your own. Have you talked about these fears with Ronan?”

“We talked about it a lot over the last couple of days,” I tell her. “He promised to be better at giving me the details I need to be assured I’m not getting left, and I promised to work on fearing he won’t come home every time he leaves.”

“Do you know what that sounds like to me, Mia?”

“Healthy communication within a relationship?” This is something Joy and I discussed a lot in the aftermath of Bianca—all the ways she refused to give me that basic necessity of a relationship.

“Yes! Now, talk to me about what this is bringing up for you in regards to your past relationships.”

“Ronan is helping me realize where things fell through with Bianca, like lack of communication,” I explain, picking my words carefully.

“I know I wasn’t perfect in my last relationship, and that she probably views me as the villain in her story, but it’s okay to be both the villain and the victim in a relationship.

As long as you’re willing to admit that, while you were hurt almost irreparably, you also weren’t perfect. ”

“That’s a wise observation.” Joy nods, jotting something down.

“I like how you recognize that you can be the bad guy in her variation and still be the victim in yours. You don’t know what she says about your relationship, and there’s no reason for you to know or care if she’s taking any responsibility.

The important thing is you’re recognizing the parts that hurt you and the parts you might have slipped up. ”

“And I don’t want to make those same mistakes again.

I know our lives will not always be perfect.

This isn’t some fairy tale or movie—it’s life and we both have baggage.

But we want to get better at communication.

We’ve already started discussing couples therapy to help us with that.

I want to stop thinking everyone is going to leave. ”

“I think therapy is a wonderful idea, Mia,” Joy nods encouragingly. “I want to focus on that last bit, though. People leaving. Remind me again who’s left.”

My skin prickles at the shift in topic. “My parents, Bianca, and…”

I can’t think of anyone else, but I know that when she first asked me that question there were four people total, and now, I can only think of three.

She’s smiling knowingly at me. “The first time I asked you that question, you listed some guy you used to know. The absence of that person tells me it was Ronan.”

She’s right, I realize. I used to include Ronan in that last, but I never gave her details or shared how much it hurt. But I guess it doesn’t hurt anymore.

“And you know what that tells me? That even though people sometimes leave, they can come back. Just like Ronan did.”

“I don’t know where I’d be if he didn’t,” I admit.

“You would have been fine, Mia. The dependence of happiness does not rest on him alone. He’s part of your happiness, yes. The same way every other person is and, guess what, those people have left and might come back. Just like Ronan.”

“Josie has never left,” I point out.

“Yes, because Josie is your person. You know I’ve always liked Josie and I’m sure she wouldn’t go even if she was dragged away.”

“No, I know she’s not going anywhere.” It’s a relief to know she’s always going to be by my side and have my back. Just like I have hers .

“Do you want those other people to come back?” Joy questions. “Would they enrich your life if they came back?”

My parents are living their lives, the lives they always dreamed about having once I graduated.

It might have hurt like hell to have them leave, but their happiness matters as much as mine.

I don’t even have a bad relationship with them, and I know how content they are.

I wouldn’t want to take that from them. And Bianca is a simple answer.

Had there been a time I wanted her to come back? Maybe, but it’s long gone.

“No,” I admit. “Definitely not Bianca. My parents coming back would enrich my life, but at the cost of their own happiness, and I won’t do that to them.”

Joy nods, resting her hands on her notepad with a smile. “You’ve found your people, Mia. You don’t need to cling to them; they’re not going anywhere.”

Did I just win therapy?

“Now, we’re out of time for today, but I’ll see you back here in two weeks.”

Nope, I guess not.

A couple of nights later, Ronan and I are surprised to see Emmie sitting at the picnic table when we leave Adair. Practice ended almost half an hour ago, but there she was, reading a book.

“Hey, kiddo,” I greet, moving away from my boyfriend. She turns to smile up at me, nodding when I motion to the bench across from her. “What are you doing here? Where’s Liam?”

She bites back a grin. “He was on a job site with Katrina. Apparently, there was an accident. He’s fine!

” She adds the last part when Ronan, who had taken the seat beside me, and I exchange worried looks.

“Something about paint exploding all over him. He got stuck there longer, texted to tell me what happened, but I told him to stop by the apartment to change and shower. I know Coach Bryce is here for at least another hour, usually, so I told Liam he approved it.”

I suck my bottom lip in to keep from laughing; Ronan is fighting his own amusement.

“Next time, come tell one of us, okay?” he says. “I know you can navigate this whole city on your own, but we have a responsibility and want to know if you’re staying on property late.”

“Ronan’s right,” I add with a nod. “Did you want us to give you a ride home?”

“No, it’s okay. He should be here in like ten minutes. Can I ask you something, Coach?”

“Of course,” he replies immediately.

“I saw some articles about what you were like when you were younger.”

A hot flush works its way up my boyfriend’s cheeks, and I reach out to grab his hand. He clears his throat. “What about them?”

“Were you really that big of a jerk?”

“He was never a jerk,” I cut in before he has the chance to say anything.

Emmie’s eyes drift to me, clearly confused.

“Josie and I met these guys for the first time in 2015, so I’m a trustworthy source.

He was young, popular, and talented, and he fell into some partying.

The newspapers got a hold of it thanks to his popularity and blew it out of proportion. ”

“I’m not going to pretend like I don’t have a past, Emmie,” Ronan jumps in.

“Sticking to this sport for the fame and attention and sticking to it for love and passion have two different outcomes. I’m proof of that.

There are things I did in my early twenties that I regret, but I can’t change them.

That’s why I always want to make sure you guys are doing this because you want to.

Along the way in my career, it became a job I dreaded going to, and I didn’t have the opportunity to regain my love for it until I couldn’t compete. ”

“The accident,” she murmurs.

He must have told his team about the accident. Since his parents erased every trace of their golden boy’s fall, there’s no way any of us would know he was involved without being told. He did everything right, and a drunk driver took his career from him, and the life of his Uber driver.

He sighs. “Yes. A couple of stupid actions turned into who I was in the eye of the swimming world. There were times I leaned into it—because having a reputation means you’re less likely to disappoint people—but it’s not who I was.

Just like with any sport, especially at a level you’re aspiring to be at, it can have its downfalls and its dangerous areas.

You’ll be faced with choices, and I can’t make them for you.

I can only remind you, and every one of your teammates, that your past follows you.

You can’t run from it because it will outrun you.

So, try to make choices you can always be proud of.

It won’t be perfect, but owning your decisions makes them yours. ”

“And if you ever need someone to talk to, your brother is there for you,” I add, reaching out to squeeze her arm.

“Ronan, Carter, and Bryce have all faced the choices you’ll have to face, so use them as the resources they are.

They’re going to do their best to guide you, but they can’t help you with what they don’t know about. ”

“And you?” she asks, surprising me. “Can I come to you for advice? I know it may be weird, but I’m a girl surrounded by a ton of testosterone. I need girl power.”

“Absolutely. But you want to know a secret?” She perks up and nods. “These guys aren’t fazed by anything, and they may surprise you. They’re hardcore feminists, all three of them. ”

Her eyes go comically wide as she turns to Ronan. My boyfriend nods. “Screw the patriarchy.”

She beams at me. “That’s really cool.”

I wonder what it must feel like to be her age and know there are men out there who are as pissed off as we are.

That are willing to stand up and help us fight until our voices are heard.

Women and young girls are ignored every single day, especially in their sports and in their jobs; and every single day, Emmie gets to come to a club that will fight for her right to be there, to be seen, to be heard, and to be taken seriously.

At Adair, her role in her sport is as important as any of her male identifying teammates.

It warms my heart to know I get to be part of it.

“But I’m still not asking Coach Ronan if he has a tampon.”

Ronan’s face turns bright red at the out-of-nowhere statement, but clears his throat. “They’re always in my bag.”

“Really?” Even that surprises me. I was about to tell her where she could find them in our office.

“Yeah, of course,” he replies. “Being a coach means showing up for my entire team, no matter what.”

A car horn blares as it pulls into the parking lot. Emmie barely glances at it before standing and darting toward it. She waves over her shoulder with a shout that she will see us tomorrow.

I lean into Ronan’s side. “You’re pretty incredible, you know that?”

He kisses the top of my head. “It’s nice to be reminded. I looked at what you brought over when you stayed; my bathroom is stocked, by the way. Pain relief supplies, too.”

I squint up at him. “Are you sure you don’t have a little sister hiding somewhere?”

“My parents hated me. Why would they have another? ”

It’s so easy for him to make light of the situation, and I have to respect that, but with each self-deprecating joke, I need to remind him of how loved he is. I kiss his shoulder, looking up at him through my lashes. “If anyone ever calls you a jerk again, they’ll have me to answer to.”

“Oh, thank god. I was getting so tired of defending myself. I’ve been waiting for a badass woman to come into my life to do it for me.”

“You joke, but I know there’s a part of you that feels that way.”

He kisses me, laughing against my lips. “We’re the kind of couple that fights for each other.”

Yes, we are. Him and me against the world. Plus, a family that we sort of adopted tagging along. Still, us against the world.