Page 78 of WitchCurse
Panic, as I had when Zephyr had nearly killed him. Die of loneliness? It was too much to contemplate. I’d lived a long time alone, running from one battle to the next, basking in the occasional break with a lover who would walk away, but not Nick. He was mine.
“He is,” Toby agreed, dragging me toward a door he crafted. “Maybe tell him that? Wesley was right, you kitsunes do tend to mess stuff up. This relationship stuff should be easy. You love him.”
If the word meant that I needed him, then yes.
A smile lit up Toby’s face as he opened the door, yanking me through to the yard of the camper. “Good start, now go.” He shoved me toward the door of the camper. “I’m going to get more cake. Because if I can’t have sex right now, then cake made by the omega is the next best thing.”
I hesitated, worried that letting him go was bad? Toby waved a hand at me. “Go. I’ll bring cake. Tell Nick pretty things, let him fuck you, us mortals need words and physical affection. I can wait my turn.” He created another door, opening it and stepping through before I could protest as my heart hammered with the idea that inside the camper was Nick. I felt him there. His presence a bit harried, worry tugging at the bond even though he seemed to still have shields locked down. Since we were bound, it wasn’t like he could run away, even if the darkness and the monster I had become, frightened him.
It was better to clarify. If he didn’t want my affection then we’d make it clear to the wolf and I’d step aside to give them a chance to find what they needed together. I’d been alone a long time, what was forever when I’d already lived hundreds of lifetimes?
CHAPTER25
Kiran
Nick sat in the main part of the camper, which still appeared mostly the same despite the extended walls and many doors. He had a book in hand, but I could sense he wasn’t reading it as much as staring at it. His gaze lifted when I entered the room, but his eyes were filled with a chaos of emotions, and I didn’t know where to start.
Minutes ticked away, Nick silent, troubled and still, me frozen, wondering what to do. Finally, I decided to begin with Toby’s insistent claim of a need for words. Born and raised fae I knew words could be binding, but I suspected in the mortal realm, their weight was more of an anchor to emotions than obligations of fate.
“I love you,” I said.
Nick blinked; his expression confused.
“It’s okay if you don’t feel the same, or if seeing the truth of my past has tainted your view of me. The darkness is a monster, and can make me do terrible things. It is why I have kept it from you. No one wants the person they care for the most to see the worst of themselves.” It was really the only thing I kept hidden from him, other than the many abusive moments of my past. No reason he had to suffer those memories when I wished they would all fade into oblivion myself.
“I have long considered you mine, and while my affection is not easily earned, you have it,” I continued. What did all the mortal stories of romance say? Things about dying for the one you loved? Romantic in concept, but fatal in reality. I would, in truth, sacrifice my life for Nick. Death, however, was a brutal stop to any fairytale romance for both of us. “Tell me what you seek and if it is in my power, I will provide it.”
He sighed and set the book aside. “Provide. Like it’s some obligation or responsibility. That’s not love. At least Toby is useful to you here, what do I offer? In Underhill I could better shape your magic, here it’s a struggle to open a door. You should let me take the darkness, burn myself out, and free us all from my presence.”
I frowned at him trying to decipher all he was saying. I was confessing my heart and he wanted to die? “I’m not sure giving Toby the darkness was a good idea. Did you see what he became? I can’t imagine what it would do to you. I never wish to bring you pain or discomfort.”
“But you do,” Nick said shortly, irritation rippling through him, bringing rise to tension in his shoulders and a firm set to his jaw. “I want you. I don’t care about the fucking magic, or the fae, the darkness, or any of it. If I could live the rest of my life reading books with you at my side, I’d be plenty happy.”
“I would give you endless books,” I said.
He dry washed his face with his hands, sighing deeply. “Kiran. Do you know what love is?” He put up a hand to stop me from answering. “I mean really, not just the term in the mortal languages, but the actual emotion?”
“I know the little fox loves the alpha.”
“And how do you know that? Their draw to one another? The way they look at each other? Tell me how you know that?”
“The little fox goes mad without the alpha.”
“That’s fate, not love.”
I tried to think of other things that stood out about them. Sebastian had refused me citing love for his mate. They gravitated toward each other. Found comfort when the other was around, or sought out simple touches and more. Sebastian worried about the babe, but took the alpha’s assurance as gospel that they would cultivate that child the best they could. A lot of it was trust, Sebastian leaning into the alpha, and vice versa. But Nick and I had that already, didn’t we?
“You dream of Landon’s touch on your body, think about it being a little like worship, making you feel things physically that you’d never felt before, but deeper…the emotion there, did you feel that? Why you still dream of him, long for his touch, was not because of who he was, or what he was, but because he saw you, wanted to give you pleasure, and made your heart feel what your body did.Love, inside and out. That is what I want.”
For his heart to feel what his body could? Pleasure? Trust? Hope? Love? Outside of my brief affair with Landon, I wasn’t certain I’d ever felt that singing of my heart as well as my body. Part the curses? I’d kept myself separated from everyone, fearing the pain more than longing for that freedom. It felt like a lie to confess that I could magically give him everything he wanted when I didn’t know if it were possible.
“I don’t wish to break what we have,” I said, trying to find the words to explain. “But I want you to be happy, and I need you close.” I remembered what Toby said about Nick being ripped away. The idea made my heart flip over. He’d almost died, attacked by Zephyr. What if I’d never met Nick? I’d not still be alive I was certain, and if somehow I had managed to break free, I’d likely be that monster again, not caring if I ended the world. In truth, the only reason I cared at all about holding the monster back, was to keep Nick safe.
“I love you,” I said. “Without you I am a mindless beast. Without you, the world would burn. All of them, if I could. None of it would matter. Not the omega or the child, or any mortal consequence.” I could stare into the darkness, that pool of endless rage, and know it stopped before Nick. Everything began and ended with him. My dying mind had sought out his, roped him with seductive dreams and bound him to me. Not because he was some supernatural power, but because he was my anchor, my hope, and my focus. I sucked in a hard breath, realization sinking in of how much I needed him. There was no me without him.
Nick let out a long sigh and stepped in close, wrapping his arms around me, strong and solid. He was my scion…my bondmate. “And, no me without you. Remember you trying to stay behind in Underhill? Fuck that, and fuck you for thinking I’d ever want to be separated from you.”
I trembled in his arms, his embrace warm, but the edge of his anger burning bright in his eyes. I feared and wanted everything in that moment. For him to love me, and to cast me out before I hurt him, to hold me, kiss me, and cage me so I would never be the end of him. My heart hurt with the strain of emotions rolling through me. It was like a tsunami of memories and feelings, all jumbled into one earth-shattering tide. No wonder the wolf had been sundered. How he had survived even a fraction of this madness proved he had to be strong.