Page 23 of Wish You Were Her

Jonah saw Kerrie as a friend. A good friend. He didn’t want to hurt her, or take advantage, or let anything go too far.

But it had been an awful night, a confusing summer, and he was lonely.

The girl in his inbox was out of reach, the girl he thought about more and more with each day thought he was a story no one wanted to hear, and everything felt impossible.

So, when Kerrie kissed him a second time, he allowed it. He kissed her back.

She shifted so that she was about to straddle him, rubbed the waistline of his pants and slid her other hand under his button down.

He let the physical sensation carry him away.

His imagination joined the two of them on the bed and, as their kiss became deeper, he began to picture a different face in his mind.

It belonged to a person he had struggled to stop thinking about since her arrival in town.

She had become a fixture in his mind. And, before he could bring sense along with fantasy:

“ Allegra. ”

Kerrie’s hand froze on his stomach and her lips stopped moving against his. He pulled back, horrified.

“Kerrie. I’m… fuck, I’m sorry. I’m an asshole. That’s—that’s just, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine,” she said, in a tone that categorically confirmed that it was not. “Honestly.”

“I’m sorry. It’s nothing. I just, Allegra and I—we had another argument earlier, she’s in my head. Not like that. I mean, yes, like that, but I’ll get over it. I’ll get over her . I’ll get through it. I will.”

“Who are you convincing, you or me?”

“I didn’t mean to think of her, it just happened. It happens a lot, it’s a problem, but I—”

“I don’t want to hear you talk about how you were thinking about some other girl while kissing me, Jonah.”

“I know, that sounds bad. Sorry. It just came out.”

“Jonah!”

“Kerrie, I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine, Jonah.” She sat back and sighed.

“I’m sorry,” he repeated, sick of hearing himself say it but incapable of stopping.

“Everyone’s in love with her. You know that, right? Simon is. He’s going to ask her out once the festival is done. It’s practically official. Plus, she’s dated a rockstar. She’s probably got a bunch of boyfriends in the city.”

Jonah said nothing.

“ I get silly around her, for God’s sake,” Kerrie said, spluttering out a disbelieving laugh.

“She’s amazing. She’s beautiful, and she’s sweet.

She’s stupidly, annoyingly perfect. But…

but she’s not one of us. She never will be.

And I… I don’t want you to get hurt. She’s like a cold.

We’re all going to get it at some point.

You’ll be immune once the summer is over and she goes back to dreamland. ”

Jonah almost believed her.

“But still,” he eventually said, “it doesn’t excuse what I just did. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.”

“Of course you didn’t,” she said gently, swinging her legs from the bed and sitting up straight. “It’s fine. Um… I’m going to go home, actually. I’ll see you at the festival tomorrow?”

“Okay,” Jonah said, also sitting up. “I’m… I’m sorry, Kerrie. Let me walk you home.”

“No, it’s fine. Honestly. I’m good.”

“Kerrie… can you…? No, never mind.”

“Can I not tell anyone about this?”

“Yeah.”

“You really think that I want people knowing about this, Jonah? Do you know how human beings work? Like, at all?”

He flinched as if she had hit him and waited in the dark as she moved silently out of the room.

He waited for at least ninety seconds before getting up and doing the same.

Allegra couldn’t move. She didn’t release her breath until Jonah had left the room. There was a beat of silence once he was gone and then Grace sat up.

“Fuck.”

“Yeah,” Allegra whispered, her voice hoarse. “That was a ride.”

“What happened in Pete’s Cafe?” Grace asked with urgency. “What on earth went down between you two? Obviously enough to make him groan out your name when another girl is kissing him.”

Allegra suddenly felt like crying. She smacked her hand to her lips, as they trembled and her jaw grew painfully tight.

“I was really mean to him,” she said. Grace’s sympathetic silence gave her room to breathe out all of her regret. “It wasn’t like me. I was so mad about getting it all completely wrong… But I wasn’t mad that he wasn’t Simon.”

“Mm-hmm,” Grace said softly, a touch of something mischievous entering her voice.

“Should we find Kerrie?”

“I’ll do it,” Grace said. “The sight of you might be a bit raw for her right now.”

While Allegra knew it was true, she couldn’t help but feel dejected, as though she had done something wrong. She would hate for Kerrie to feel as if this was all some sort of cruel joke.

So she said to Grace, “We were never here.”

“Yup,” her friend said, with a tone of complete and utter concurrence.

“Grace?” Allegra sat up and Grace mirrored her.

“Yeah?”

“I didn’t tell Jonah the truth. About me. He still thinks he was stood up.”

Grace didn’t say anything for a moment then sighed. “So, I’m still keeping that secret?”

“Please.”

“You owe me.”

“Sure do.”

Allegra made a hasty exit, leaving the party without saying goodbye to Simon. He was in full host-mode and Allegra always felt acutely different from her peers when it came to goodbyes. She liked slipping away without a word. She was also worried that he would spot her unease and ask about it.

The night air was a cool stroke of the cheek to Allegra, as she slipped out of Simon’s little mansion.

She made for town, scrolling through her mess of messages (completely ignoring her email inbox) only to find a text from her father, informing her via his new (and first) mobile phone that he would be late at the festival site with some authors. He asked if she had her keys.

She confirmed that she did, just as she reached Main Street, with Brooks Books ahead and in her sights.

She missed walking. She didn’t get to do much of it in the city, she was ferried from location to car to location to plane to hotel or apartment. She was never allowed to spend more than a few seconds on the pavement at a time.

Natalie and Allegra’s agent were worried about her being in Lake Pristine without a security detail; both convinced that her new location would be leaked.

Her father’s speech from earlier in the night had left Allegra with a bad taste in her mouth.

The daughter in her was thrilled but the actor was afraid.

Allegra had assured her team that the town was discreet, and that most of its population did not understand social media, let alone partake in it.

That service wasn’t great. That town gossip was considered as ubiquitous as groceries, but most residents had very little interest in communicating with the outside world.

She let herself into Brooks Books, turning on a couple of lights but making sure to check that the “Closed” sign was facing out toward the street. She moved over to the front desk, hoisting herself up onto it and opening her inbox.

There were countless emails, most of them chains that ended in Natalie saying, “Leave it with me, kid!” in her adorably harried fashion. There were people reaching out for meetings and self-tapes. There were lunch invitations.

Then she saw one, sent recently, and it stopped her breath and her heart.

[email protected]

to: [email protected]

RE: Hello

Hi. I hope this isn’t alarming. It’s me.

Disgruntled bookseller, or [email protected].

I thought I would email from my personal account—even though you didn’t show.

If this is unwanted, please tell me or just block accordingly.

I just felt like being brave because I’ve been a bit of a coward tonight.

I wish you had come. I don’t really know what you told Allegra when she answered the phone at the shop and took your message. Did you know you were leaving a message with a supernova? Probably not.

“Why didn’t you ask Allegra?” I hear you ask.

Because I can barely speak to Allegra. And that inability to speak in her presence eventually comes out as meanness.

And I hate meanness. I hate people who try to make others feel small, but I tell myself that I’m not doing that with her.

It’s self-defense, it’s protection, whatever.

She can give as good as she gets, but she’s entitled to hate me.

I’m an embarrassment around her. She takes away all of my sensible qualities and puts me in fight or flight mode.

And I always pick fight because flight would mean no longer being around her.

Anyway. I was alone, waiting for you, when she delivered your message. It’s me. I’m Jonah. The bookseller you’ve been emailing. I hope we can meet one day. I hope I’m not a huge disappointment.

I hope, I hope, I hope.

Have a great evening. Wish you were her.

Jonah

Allegra stared at the last sentence before his name and then a PS suddenly appeared in the thread.

PS SORRY ABOUT THAT, STUPID FINGERS, WISH YOU WERE HERE. HERE. I WISH YOU WERE HERE.

JONAH.

She was typing before reason could take hold.

[email protected]

to: [email protected]

Subject: Hello

I’m so sorry, Jonah. I should have been there.

She pressed SEND on her phone but before the small notification sound was even over, a knock on the bookshop window jolted her out of her reverie.

She looked up to see Jonah and for one mortified moment, she foolishly wondered if he had worked out what she was doing.

She shoved her phone away. He nodded to the door and she nodded back, silently telling him that it was unlocked.