Page 31

CHAPTER 31

Sage

I jerked, my eyes flying open as agony screamed through my body. Everything hurt. My face, my arms, my chest, my legs. Father, I was dying.

“Sawyer, open up!” an angry voice yelled, followed by banging on the wooden door to my room in the Black Tower. “Sawyer, we’re coming in.”

My pulse lurched.

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.

There wasn’t a lock on my door. I had to get up. Were my breasts flattened or had the fabric binding them loosened while I slept? I needed to put my jerkin on. Get as covered as possible, and covering myself with my blankets would only make me look weak and make them ask more questions.

I scrambled off the bed. My body screamed in protest and my legs gave out. I hit the floor with an oomph just as the door opened.

“Shadows!” Kit gasped as he strode the two steps to me and helped me sit on the edge of my bed. He glared over his shoulder at Payne. “I told you not to yell.”

Payne returned his mate’s glare. “He wasn’t answering.”

“And now you’ve scared the life out of him,” Kit shot back before grabbing my chin and angling my face so he could look at my bruised cheek.

The handsome fae winced at what he saw, and before he could check out the rest of me, I crossed my arms over my breasts — realizing, thankfully! that I still wore my jerkin. I’d been so tired after running the trail, I hadn’t changed out of my sweaty, grimy, vomit-smelling clothes. I’d just passed out.

At least I had that. I was disheveled and sore, but I didn’t immediately look like a girl.

“Pretty sure Rider already scared the life out of him,” Lewin said as he pushed Payne into the small room and entered himself.

Grefin leaned against the doorframe. “The runt is still alive. Can we get breakfast now? I’m starving.”

“ You can go get food,” Payne said to Grefin before jerking his chin at me. “You, stand.”

What? Was I in trouble?

I glanced at Kit. He looked… worried? Although his expression could be angry instead of worried. Was he also pissed that I’d threatened Mikel and his cronies?

Everyone had to have heard what had happened. It was the only explanation why Kit and his team had barged into my room. What I didn’t know was if they were as angry as Rider had been.

“Sawyer,” Payne growled. “Stand and show us how bad it is.”

“How bad?—?”

“Jeez guys. He finally gets a day to sleep in and you bang down his door.” Grefin rolled his eyes. “We heard what Rider made you do. These three need to know if they have to carry you to Flint for healing or if a soak in a healing pool and walking it off will do.”

Oh.

“Really. I’m fine.” I rose on shaky legs and tried not to grimace. I should have let Zinnia heal me more. I hadn’t realized how stiff and sore I’d be, but I sure as hell wasn’t going to let them take me to see the healer. “See. Nothing that a few days of rest can’t fix.”

Payne narrowed his amethyst eyes. “You need at least a long soak in a healing pool.”

“Except you’re not using the pools.” Lewin picked up the towel that I’d draped over the sink yesterday morning to dry. “Are you?”

“Why aren’t you using the po—?” Payne started but his eyes flashed wide then narrowed with realization. “It isn’t safe.”

“I wouldn’t know.” I sagged back onto the bed. “I didn’t want to find out.”

“Probably for the best,” Kit said as my stomach growled.

“All right. That’s it,” Grefin huffed as he shoved Lewin and Payne deeper into the room, crowding Kit against the wall by the window. He grabbed my arm and hauled me to my feet. “We’re getting breakfast.”

But Lewin blocked Grefin from dragging me out of my room. “Not smelling like that. I won’t be able to keep anything down.”

“You’ve eaten covered in shadow bear guts,” Grefin said.

“Only because I was starving.” Lewin opened my trunk and pulled out my second pair of pants and shirt. “Change first.”

I took the offered clothes… and no one moved.

Swell.

With the four men crowded into the narrow space, the only place for me to change would be to stand on my bed, but there was no way I was taking off my heavy jerkin, let alone my shirt, in front of them.

“Not sure there’s enough room to change my mind, let alone my clothes,” I huffed.

Payne barked a sharp laugh, his eyes bright with surprise. “You better be out in a moment.”

“How about I meet you in the great hall?” I suggested.

“Not happening.” Kit nudged Grefin, who bumped Lewin, who pushed Payne out the door into the hall. “In your condition you could fall down the stairs.”

“He’s a guardsman,” Grefin groaned as he tripped over Lewin’s heels on his way out the door. “Pretty sure he can manage a few stairs.”

“Depends if there’s anyone else around,” Payne grumbled, but he moved farther into the hall so Kit could step out of my room.

I shut the door and pressed my back against it even though my body weight wouldn’t stop Payne if he wanted to get back in.

A smile tugged at my lips and I stared at the gray sky out my tiny window. It was difficult to tell what time of day it was in the gray, but given how bright it was — and how it had been morning in the Garden when Aster had removed the bracelet — it had to be full morning now.

Which meant, since Kit’s team was on a night shift, that they’d just finished their shift and decided to check on me.

I didn’t want to be happy about that. I was supposed to keep to myself so no one would ask questions and I could be a boy for as long as possible. And yet, after everything that had happened, it felt good that someone cared.

A small part of me wanted those caring someones to be Lords Rider, Quill, and Talon, but the rest of me, the smart part of me, knew that would only bring trouble. What little relationship I had with them was already too complicated.

With Kit, Payne, Lewin, and Grefin, I just needed to be Sawyer. I didn’t also have to pretend I was fae or that I didn’t already know them or everything else I needed to keep in mind when I was around Lords Rider, Quill, and Talon.

And I wasn’t going to think about how my time in the Garden had suddenly become more complicated with Sir West, the spirit link, the High Priestess’s plans and?—

“Why are we waiting?” Grefin asked from out in the hall, reminding me that I couldn’t just stand there.

If I didn’t get moving, Payne was going to open my bedroom door and catch me with my shirt off.

I shrugged out of my jerkin and pulled off my shirt. The strips of fabric that I’d ripped from my dress when Sawyer and I had fled Herstind March were loose, and I quickly retied them then pulled on my clean shirt. After that, I dampened a small cloth and wiped myself down.

Lord Quill might have washed me in the Garden, but washing my spirit didn’t translate into washing my body. Just like Zinnia had said that healing my spirit form didn’t completely heal my physical form.

I kept the wipe down quick: to just my face, under my arms, and my hands. It didn’t make me feel clean — I’d have to do a more thorough washing for that — but hopefully it helped with the smell.

I changed my pants, making sure my belt with my sword was tight enough they wouldn’t fall down, but loose enough so I could draw my weapon when I put on my slightly-too-big jerkin. Not that I anticipated I’d need to draw my weapon, but a guardsman was always prepared.

And changing my clothes, even if it was into identical clothes to what I always wore, reminded me of my purpose.

Here I was Sawyer Herstind, a man and a member of the Black Guard.

No one would protect me and I had to be careful to make sure I was never alone with Durand and Mikel, and probably the others in their group. But I also didn’t have to demure to every man and I had two days of freedom. Or at least relative freedom since there was magic binding me to the Black Tower and I couldn’t leave without permission.

Lord Rider had said I couldn’t go to Lehyrst on my lieu time, but I didn’t really want to. All the other novices were there to sleep with the pleasure house girls and do whatever else there was to do in Lehyrst. I was safer if I stayed where I was. All I really wanted to do was rest my aching muscles so I could survive whatever duties I was given in the next rotation.

And I had no doubt, after threatening to murder Mikel, Durand, Hamlin, and Bramwell, and breaking Ambrose’s nose, I was going to be on another, labor-intensive duty once my lieu days were done. Probably laundry duty.

Doing the laundry was just as hard as mucking out the stables. Although with the fae’s soap — and the fact all the guards’ uniforms were black — probably not nearly as smelly since I doubted we’d be using lye to clean things.

“Come on, already,” Grefin called as he banged on the door.

I tossed my dirty shirt and pants in the sink to wash later and limped as fast as I could with my sore muscles into the hall.

“So here’s your reminder,” Lewin said as he tossed a heavy arm across my shoulders. “Sometime today go to the Quartermaster and get clean bedding and clothes. You can toss your dirty stuff in the laundry bin.” He pointed to the narrow door beside the stairwell where the laundry bin was tucked away. “Don’t bother dragging it all the way to the Quartermaster’s office.”

“Or better yet, drag it there,” Grefin said as we walked past the seating area in the intersection between halls that was currently empty because it was the middle of the morning. “You’re probably on laundry duty next and will be hauling it there anyway.”

“Rider wouldn’t be so cruel,” Kit said, opening the small side door just before we reached the large wooden doors at the end of the hall and ushering me and Lewin into the stairwell first. “You’ve done a full rotation plus extra time on stable duty. He’s smart enough to know your muscles need to heal. There’s no point in putting you on another hard-labor duty while going through novice training.”

I didn’t doubt that Rider was smart, but I wasn’t sure about Kit’s logic. Threatening to murder someone was serious, and for all I knew running the trail until I threw up was just the beginning of my punishment.

If everyone thought I was a liability, it wouldn’t matter what kind of training I received now or later, I wouldn’t be partnered with anyone or put in a position where someone counted on me to survive.

Maybe getting the physically harder jobs was better. It would be easier to stay unnoticed and the other guardsmen would feel like I was getting my just punishment. If I took care of myself, I might be able to keep my identity a secret indefinitely.

Except I knew that wasn’t going to happen. Mikel and Durand had to be planning their retribution for what I’d said to them. They were probably coming up with ways to make me lose my temper in front of Rider again hoping for an even harsher punishment than just running the trail until I collapsed.

“No point in worrying about it right now.” Lewin released my shoulders and ruffled my hair before hurrying down the steps ahead of me. “The duty list will go up tomorrow at lunch. You’ll find out then what our great Lord Commander has decided.”

“Until then, you’re to spend the next two days soaking in a healing pool and walking around so your joints don’t stiffen up,” Payne said.

We reached the bottom of the stairs and headed straight into the great hall. It wasn’t an assigned mealtime, so the hall was strangely quiet with only a few men sitting at the long tables. The crackling from the fires in the large hearths on either side of the room was loud, the sound sharp and snapping, echoing up to the vaulted ceiling, while light shone through the windows, brighter than usual, making me wonder if the sun was actually out or if the mist was just thinner today.

Grefin walked straight to the kitchen and the others followed. I hung back, trying to put space between us so the kitchen staff wouldn’t think I was with them, but Kit grabbed my arm and tugged me in after him as if he didn’t care if the kitchen staff thought he was a traitor by associating with me or not.

Inside, the fully armed guardsmen prepped lunch and washed dishes and pots. Large chunks of meat turned on spits over the one cooking fire, while steam curled up from enormous pots that hung over the other.

Half the men working in the kitchen looked up, saw us, then turned back to what they were doing, the other half didn’t bother looking up from their work at all.

“You’re late. I was starting to get worried.” The heavyset head cook set down his knife, grabbed a medium-sized pot and ladled stew from one of the enormous pots over the fire into it.

“Is that venison?” Lewin asked as he grabbed a tray from the stack of trays at the front of the counter and a bowl.

“Yep. Came in this morning,” the head cook said as he brought the medium-sized pot over. “Figured you’d want this instead of porridge.”

“If I wasn’t already in love with Vreni—” Lewin flashed the man a brilliant smile and ladled a large helping into his bowl then moved down the line toward the bread.

The others grabbed trays and bowls and moved down the counter. Kit placed a bowl on my tray and nudged me ahead of him. When we reached the head cook, he gave Kit a nod, then turned away, not even glancing at me.

Kit ladled stew into my bowl, I grabbed a slice of bread and moved down the counter to the fruit. All the bowls were full with apples, pears, grapes, and even oranges.

I glanced at the men in the kitchen. No one watched me. They must have forgotten to hide the fruit when I’d stepped up to the counter… or they didn’t want Kit and his team to know that they’d used my love of oranges to remind me of my place.

My fingers itched to take one.

The other guardsmen were going to push me around whether I took one or not.

And yet, I’d encouraged the rumor that I was getting special treatment so Mikel and his group would come after me because I needed to be a better fighter. I’d foreseen my death and, after being attacked by Mikel’s group and Wells and Crane I knew I wasn’t ready at all.

I swallowed back a bitter laugh.

If I was going to die tomorrow, I was having an orange. To hell with what the other guardsmen thought.