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Lill y

“Drive, please.” I beg, my fingers anxiously fidgeting as I glance around to see if Kyle followed us.

“He got into his car and drove off.” Greyson announces.

I let out a shudder of a breath, glancing around the parking lot once again to see that Greyson’s correct, Kyle’s car is gone.

The words I said to Kyle repeat in my mind like a whirlpool. It slipped out so easily, and the consequences were anything but simple. All I wanted was for him to leave me alone, to stop trying to get me back because I can’t be that girl again, the one who always goes back, and always gets fucked over.

And now I’ve pulled Greyson into a situation he shouldn’t even be part of.

My breath comes out in short, shallow gasps. The edge of my vision blurs as I stare at the tree in front of me. I could feel the tears welling up, but I blink them back, refusing to let them fall.

Don’t let him see how much of a fuck up you are .

How weak you are.

How pathetic you are.

How insecure you are.

Greyson shifts in the chair beside me, and it’s like a thunderclap, blaring louder than the thumping of my own heart. I can’t look at him. I know I need to apologize, but the words get clogged in my throat.

He hates me, doesn’t he?

I don’t blame him if he does, I hate myself too.

“What the fuck was that?” His voice is softer than I expected it to be.

“I’m sorry, I panicked.” My voice shakes.

“You panicked, so you blurted out to—who even was that?”

“My ex boyfriend.” I let out a breath.

“Your ex boyfriend…” he scoffs. “So, you panicked and implied we were dating?”

I nod, unable to look at him. His hand suddenly grips mine, and when I look down, I understand why. I’d subconsciously started picking at the skin on my nails.

I hate how this is the second time he’s noticed me doing this and stopped me. But at the same time, my stomach tightens at the thought that he’s known me for less than a month but pays closer attention to me than my boyfriend of almost five years did.

“Why did you do it?” He asks, his thumb gently caressing my finger.

Because I’m an idiot who has a habit of fucking everything up?

Swallowing hard, I try to find my voice. “I—I just wanted him to leave me alone,” I confess, my voice sounding weaker than intended. “And I thought that maybe if he believed I moved on, he would quit bothering me.”

I’m fighting with myself to not push his hand away so I can pick at my nails.

“When did you guys break up?”

Is this a therapy session?

“Back in June.”

A soft laugh escapes his lips, and as much as I want to look at him, I don’t. Instead, I keep my eyes focused on our hands. “June, that was like four months ago.”

I nod.

Why can I never seem to get things right? I’m such a fuck up. Every little mistake, and every little insecurity plays on a loop in my mind, each one a reminder of how I never seem to be good enough.

My own mother doesn’t love me.

My own boyfriend cheated on me multiple times.

I try to take a deep breath, but it feels like there’s a weight on my chest weighing me down.

I’m not good enough.

I’ll never be good enough.

The words echo around in my head, louder and louder until I can barely hear anything else.

I can’t breathe.

The car feels like a cage, thick and suffocating.

Don’t let him see how pathetic you are.

Letting go off his hand, I lift my feet into the chair and wrap my arms around my legs, cocooning myself for comfort. I’m trying to hold it together, but the tears are threatening to spill over, and I don't know how much longer I can keep them at bay.

I wanted to disappear, to fade into the background where no one could see how broken I was. Where no one could see how fake I was by trying to put on this facade of pretending to be happy, when in reality, I’m anything but.

“You should’ve told me, we could’ve worked something out together.”

I snort, finally glancing at him. He’s looking at me, but I can’t decipher the emotion. “And when exactly could I have done that? In the one point three seconds it took before blurting out that we were dating?”

He smiles. “I think it was more like zero point one second.”

“I’m sorry.”

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry… I’m so fucking sorry !

Turning my head toward the window, willing the tears not to come, I take a deep breath in.

“We started dating when we were fifteen—high school sweethearts is what everyone said we would be,” I don’t know why I’m even telling him this. “We were inseparable, nothing and no one could break us.”

I really thought we were going to be forever.

“We weren’t meant to go to the same college, but he changed his mind last minute, saying he couldn’t bear the thought of going to college without me by his side.”

I was ecstatic about that, because who wouldn’t want their boyfriend to join them on their college experience?

“It was the first Friday of October in freshman year, I finished a lecture early, so I decided to surprise him in his dorm room ,” my cheeks puff out as I remember the first time my heart got shattered. “The door was open, and I was expecting to walk in on him studying, or even playing a game,” a bitter laugh falls from my lips. “But instead I walked in on him fingering another girl.”

It was awful. I remember standing there frozen, not knowing what to do. They hadn’t even noticed me, too caught up in the moment. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, I thought I was dreaming at first. My heart shattered into a million pieces, I wanted to scream, wanted to cry. But I couldn’t move, it’s like my whole body just shut down.

We’d always skip foreplay. It was something I always wanted, but he wanted to get straight to business. Fuck, he hadn’t ever given me an orgasm before neither. And there he was, fingering another girl.

Eventually Kyle noticed me standing there, he didn’t even look guilty, just stared at me right in the eyes while he brought her to her high. I watched. I fucking watched my boyfriend give another girl an orgasm…and I felt a tinge of jealously. But I also felt sick to the stomach, and then it’s like my brain registered everything, and I ran away.

“You didn’t deserve that, Lilly. No one does.” Greyson’s soft voice fills the air.

“Yeah…well, guess what,” I shake my head. “The joke was on me, I guess,” I rub my nose with the back of my hand. “Because I’m the idiot who took him back—the several times that followed too.”

I could feel his heated gaze on me, but I couldn’t look at him. Suddenly, his hand reaches out, his fingers gently brushing against my cheek, tenderly wiping away the salty tears that had slipped from my eyes.

When did I even start crying?

Lifting my head, I look into his eyes from under my lashes. And before I could even think, I’m leaning in and connecting our lips together. His lips remain motionless against mine, not responding, not even twitching. Then like a tidal wave, reality comes crashing back into me.

What the fuck am I doing?

He’s here, comforting me, and I’m…kissing him?

Stupid fucking idiot!

I pull back, slumping into the chair, embarrassment coursing through my body. “I’m sorry.” I mumble, my voice barely audible.

What have I done?

I’m so stupid!

There’s stupid, and then there’s stupid . And I’m the second one.

My hand reaches out to grip the door handle so I can escape, but his hand encloses around mine, stopping me. I don’t look at him. I can’t. I’m too ashamed.

Who kisses someone that’s just trying to comfort them?

Me, that’s who.

I could still feel his gaze on me, but I keep my eyes focused on a speck of dirt on his window. Then suddenly, he’s leaning over me and grabbing the seatbelt, pulling it over my body and strapping me in before the car’s ignition starts, and he’s reversing out of the spot.

“Where do you live?” He asks.

“I can just walk from here, stop the car and I’ll get out.” I don’t want to be more of an inconvenience.

“Where do you live, Lilly?” He ask s, well, more like demands.

“Forty-seven Summers Avenue.” I respond, gulping.

He doesn’t say anything as he drives out of the parking lot, heading in the direction of my house. My phone vibrates in my pocket, and I maneuver to get it out, glancing down at the screen with glazed over eyes, I groan. I can’t take this on top of everything else.

Elizabeth: I invited Kyle to Maggie’s party, he said you broke up with him.

Elizabeth: Care to explain?

Me: There’s nothing to explain.

Elizabeth: You’re ruining your life, Lilith.

Elizabeth: Firstly with this pathetic writing stuff? And then breaking up with the one guy who sets you straight?

Me: Writing isn’t pathetic.

Elizabeth: You’re a disappointment to me.

Disappointment .

Her response shouldn’t come as a surprise, it doesn’t . But it still hurts hearing those words written from the woman who birthed me, the one who’s meant to love me unconditionally.

A tear drops from my eye, but I don’t make a move to wipe it.

Another slips, and then another.

My phone drops in my lap, and I gaze out the window, the world going by like normal. Leave it up to Elizabeth to make my shitty day even shittier. It’s almost like it’s her specialty and she knows exactly the right time to annoy me.

I don’t even know why I texted her back, I should’ve ignored her. Should’ve blocked her number when I moved out. But for some unknown reason my heart still thinks there’s a chance that she’ll change, and she’ll forgive me for whatever I’ve done to make her hate me so much.

“We’re here.” Greyson announces.

I blink, multiple tears falling as I glance around to see we’re outside my house. Turning in his direction, I unplug my seatbelt and open the door, getting out.

“Lilly.”

I can’t look at him. Not only did I throw him into my drama with Kyle and implied we were dating, but I also kissed him! I kissed him when all he was doing was trying to comfort me.

He probably thinks I’m unstable, insecure, and a total fucking train wreck—which isn't far from the truth.

“Thank you for the ride, and I’m sorry.” I say before slamming his door shut and walking up the pathway to the house.